Regrets
by Svart Jasmin
Summary: What if Christian believes someone else over Anastasia? Someone who is determined to break them apart. What if Ana is going through her own hardships? Will she be able to open up to Christian again? This story is dark, and will include mentions of mental and physical abuse.
1. Chapter 1

I sit on my piano bench, my fingers running over the keys, but not hitting any notes. It's been the same for me every night since she left. I would wake up in a cold sweat, my throat hoarse from screaming in my sleep, and my heart breaking more each night as I reach for her side of the bed, only to find it cold an empty.

The same way it has been for weeks.

Having nightmares is not something new to me, but she made them stop. She chased away my demons. I was only ever able to sleep when she was beside me, but now that she's not there anymore, the nightmares returned, changing, becoming worse with each passing night.

A long sigh escape my lips as I think about her, about us, and about that argument that got us to where we are now.

Away from each other.

I know I will never be able to forget the way she looked at me as I spoke those words, the way her eyes were suddenly devoid of any love she once had for me. At the time, I believed that I was right in what I said. That I was protecting myself and my heart from more hurt.

At the time, I didn't know that someone out there was doing their damn best to separate us.

A shudder runs through my body as I remember that package I had received that fateful day, and I feel my blood boil again, even when I now know that the pictures were fabricated to make it look like she had cheated on me.

 _Flashback_

 _"_ _Sir, there's a delivery for you." Taylor says from the door of my office, making me only reach out my hand, my eyes not leaving the laptop screen. Once the envelope was between my fingers, I realize that it's too light to be any sort of papers related to work, and I let my eyes roam the brown parcel._

 _"_ _Who is it from?" I ask when I see that nothing is written on it. No return address, no name, nothing._

 _"_ _A delivery boy brought it an hour ago. He specifically asked for me by name, and requested that I give it to. He didn't know who hired him, he just said that a woman came up to him, gave him 100$, and asked him to drop this off here." Taylor says before taking a pause. "The guys down at security say it's safe to be opened. I haven't had the chance to look at it as I was debriefing with Sawyer in regards to Ms. Steele's protection."_

 _"_ _Everything going according to plan?" I ask, a small smile decorating my lips as I thought of the plans I had for the weekend._

 _"_ _Yes, Sir." Taylor says, his own face betraying his smile._

 _"_ _Very well." I say as I tear the envelope open. I realize that the envelope only holds pictures and a small note, and the first thing I reached for was that._

"I hope this opens your eyes about the woman you think you love."

 _I feel my body begin to shake as I read those simple words, and with shaking hands, I reach for the first picture that was face-down on my desk. My hand shook more as I flipped the picture over, and the scream that left my lungs at what I saw brought Taylor barraging back into my office._

 _"_ _Sir?" he asks and I see him walking towards me in my peripheral vision, as I can't bring myself to tear my eyes away of the one picture that managed to shatter my world in mere seconds._

 _I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe. I flip through the pictures; there were only 4 of them, but each one showed Ana in different poses of intimacy with a man I couldn't identify._

 _I don't remember what happened after that, because when I finally calmed down enough to realize that Taylor was holding me back from the door, I noticed that my office was in a state of complete destruction._

 _"_ _Calm the hell down, Christian!" Taylor says, holding me back from the door. "There has to be an explanation to this nonsense, and going down to Grey Publishing to confront Ana while you're in this state is only going to cause you an embarrassment you don't need."_

 _"_ _What explanation is there?" I yell at him and move back to grab one of the pictures that clearly show her tattoo. The one she got for me. The one that simply said_ Christian's. _"This proves that this is her! I can't believe I've been such a fool!"_

 _"_ _I don't know what explanation there is, but I'm sure there is one." Taylor says, his eyes avoiding the picture I have in my hand. I can't tell if he's not looking at it because he doesn't want to believe that Ana would actually do this, or because he doesn't want to see Ana in such a state of undress._

 _I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath. Taylor's right. I don't need the scene that I'm sure to cause if I go an confront Ana down at GP._

 _"_ _Have Sawyer take Ana ho-" I begin, but stop myself from uttering the word_ home _. It's not home anymore. Not after this. "Have Sawyer take Anastasia to Escala in 20 minutes. Call Gail and ask her to pack all of Anastasia's things. I don't want to see anything of hers in my bedroom when I get there."_

 _"_ _Sir…"_

 _"_ _Do it!" I scream, making him flinch, probably for the first time since he came into my employment. Once he realized that I was not going to change my mind, he gave me a stoic nod and left me alone in my office._

 _Alone with my thoughts._

 _End flashback._

That was probably the beginning of our downfall. The minute I was left alone with my thoughts was the minute I began destroying what we shared.

Taylor had come back to my office after making the call I demanded, and he had tried to reason with me, but with every word he said, I started believing that he was defending her, and I ended up firing him then and there.

Unfortunately, Taylor was used to my temper, and he was waiting for me by the SUV when I left for Escala.

Unfortunately, he had quit on the spot after he witnessed the way I had treated Anastasia that night.

Actually, both he and Gail quit.

Sawyer followed the day after.

After I had left my office that day, I had texted Gail, asking her to keep Anastasia's packed things in one of the guests bedrooms, and she was only to bring them out when I told her.

Then I texted Anastasia. My message holding the destruction to our relationship.

 _Playroom. 15 minutes._

I had timed things in my head so that she received the text only 15 minutes before she arrived there, not giving her a chance to realize that her things were packed. I had wanted her to suffer the same way she made me suffer when I saw the pictures.

But first, I was going to punish her the only way I knew how.

Now, I simply wish I had not gone into the office that day. Maybe if I hadn't, then I wouldn't have received the pictures.

 _She would have sent them to Escala, you moron!_ A voice screams inside my head, and I know I can't deny that.

To this day, I still can't believe the things I had done and said to Anastasia that night. I know for a fact that she had realized something was wrong the minute I stepped into the Playroom, but she never flinched, never moved, never faltered.

Until….

 _Flashback_

 _I walk into the Playroom, my blood boiling again as I see her kneeling in the sub position in nothing but her panties._

 _The idea of someone else having seen her like this makes me crazy with anger and pain, and I know this is my only chance to make her feel the same way I'm feeling._

 _I notice her body stiffen when I walk by her, still fully dressed, and I know that in that exact second, she realized something is wrong._

 _I walk to the wall that once held my canes and whips, the ones I threw away for her, her hard limits, and for a fraction of a second, I wish I still had them._

 _Then a cold shiver runs down my spine, and I realize that I can't physically hurt her. I still love her too much to do that to her, even when she has hurt me in the worst way imaginable, I still love her too much._

 _"_ _Stand." I command, my voice strong and dominating, unlike the way I am feeling inside._

 _She does as she is told, but she keeps her head bowed down._

 _"_ _Move to the spanking bench." I say, and her head whips up to look at me in question. "Eyes down!" I snap, and she immediately obeys. "Spanking bench, now. Don't let me repeat myself."_

 _Without uttering a word, she moves to the bench, and stands there, her eyes still cast down._

 _"_ _Bend over."_

 _She does as she is told, and I stand there, battling with myself about what to do next. One part of me wants to wrap my arms around her, to hold her close, and the other part, the sadistic part of me, wants to demean her, and hurt her just like she hurt me._

 _The monster in me finally wins, and I reach for the belt that is holding my pants against my waist, fully knowing that with one strike of the leather, she will not have a doubt about what I am doing._

 _"_ _Count, Anastasia." I say as I hold the belt between my fingers, repeating the words I had once told her the night she left me. I take a deep breath before I bring the belt down to her still covered ass, and the gasp she lets out tells me that my fury is showing in my strike._

 _"_ _Count!" I yell when she doesn't say anything, and I strike again._

 _"_ _Two, Sir." She gasps, the pain obvious in her voice._

 _"_ _Do you know why you are being punished, Anastasia?" I ask before I deliver another strike._

 _"_ _Three, Sir." She gasps her answer. "No, I don't!"_

 _"_ _I'll answer that for you." I say, the belt connecting with her ass again._

 _"_ _Four!" She now yells, probably because she knows what I'm going to say next._

 _"_ _I found out, Anastasia." I say, delivering yet another strike._

 _"_ _Five!" She says. "Found out what?"_

 _"_ _I did not give you permission to speak other than to count!" I scream, now raging with fury and delivering yet another strike._

 _"_ _Six!" She calls out. I can hear the tears in her voice, and for the first time in my life, I find myself unaffected by them._

 _Serves her right._

 _"_ _I found out about him." I say through gritted teeth, the belt connecting with her ass yet again, and I can see her body tense up._

 _Yes, Anastasia. Your secret is out in the open._

 _"_ _COUNT!" I say, and I deliver another strike, one that is probably stronger than the others._

 _"_ _RED!" She screams, and stands up, her face wet with tears and her eyes filled with fear._

 _I let go of the belt as if it is a piece of burning coal. It's engrained within my head, when a safeword is called, you stop, no matter how angry or frustrated you are, you stop._

 _"_ _You don't get to safeword on me, Anastasia!" I say and step towards her, making her take a step back in fear. "You don't get to safeword when YOU broke my heart!"_

 _"_ _What the hell are you talking about, Christian?" She asks, and I feel myself boil with anger even more._

 _"_ _You have some nerve, Anastasia!" I snap and she visibly flinches. "I saw the pictures of you two together!"_

 _"_ _What pictures?" She asks, her eyes filled with fake confusion. "I don't understand a thing! Who are you talking about? What are you talking about?"_

 _"_ _Stop denying it!" I scream and pull at my hair. "I saw you with him! Riding him! Am I not enough for you? Do I not satisfy you enough that you had to go to someone else?"_

 _"_ _Christian, baby." She says and takes a small step towards me, but I step away from her._

 _"_ _Don't come near me!" I say and turn around. "I can't even look at you!"_

 _"_ _Christian!" She cries out, obviously realizing that this is it for us. That there's no way around it. "Christian, what are you saying?"_

 _"_ _Isn't it obvious?" I ask, and I suddenly feel all the anger and energy leave me. "We're over. Gail packed your things. Get dressed and get out. I don't want to see you, or talk to you ever again."_

 _I hear a sob leave her throat and she calls out to me, but I don't look back as I walk out of the Playroom. I feel my heart breaking into even more pieces, but I don't dare turn around._

 _I have to be strong. I won't let her do this to me anymore. I won't let her hurt me anymore!_

 _I walk down to the kitchen and I grab the bottle of vodka that is in the freezer, taking a quick gulp, not even bothering with a glass. This is the only thing I can think about that could numb the pain._

 _It worked when I was younger, there's no reason that it won't work now._

 _I hear Anastasia's footsteps running down the stairs towards the kitchen, but I don't turn to face her._

 _I really can't look at her!_

 _"_ _Christian, baby, I don't understand what you are talking about." She says and takes a step closer to me._

 _"_ _Stay where you are!" I snap, and she freezes in her spot._

 _"_ _What pictures?" She now asks, making me reach into my pocket where I kept on of those damn papers._

 _I take it out and throw it at her, having it fall at her feet. That's when I realize she's only dressed in a robe, and not in her clothes like I had told her._

 _"_ _I told you to get dressed and leave! I don't want you here!" I yell, but she ignores me as she bends down to pick up the picture, and once she sees it, a gasp or horror leaves her lips._

 _"_ _What the hell is this?" She screams, her whole body shaking._

 _"_ _Are you fucking serious?" I scream back and smack my hand on the countertop. "That's you, whoring out and cheating on me!"_

 _"_ _Christian, you can't seriously believe this!" She gasps and looks up at me with shocked eyes._

 _Is she for real?_

 _"_ _What did he offer you that I didn't?" I ask as I take a longer gulp of vodka. "It can't be money, there's no one richer than I am. What did he give you that got you to whore yourself to him?"_

 _"_ _Christian!" She gasps my name, her pain evident and her tears visible._

 _Good!_

 _"_ _I would wonder if he has a bigger dick, but I'm fortunate in that area, so I can't imagine that is it." I say, realizing that I can probably hurt her more with my words than I can ever do in the Playroom._

 _I can do words. I'm good with words._

 _I've sent grown men crying out of my office. I can do the same with her!_

 _"_ _Christian, please. You can't believe this! This is not me!" she cries, her shoulders now shaking with sobs._

 _I can feel my heart begin to soften towards her tears, but I can't allow that. Not after what she has done._

 _I square my shoulders, and stand a little bit taller, going into full dominant mode. I revert to the man I am at the office, the CEO, the ruthless bastard, and I look at her, knowing that that asshole can break her heart more so than anyone else._

 _Just like she broke mine._

 _"_ _If it's not money, nor his skills in the bedroom, the only option that remains is that you are simply a whore." I say and look her straight in the eyes, showing her just how much I mean those words. "I told you to get dressed and leave. I will not have another whore ruin my life."_

 _"_ _Christian! I'm begging you. Listen to me!" She begs and moves towards me again, but I still move away from her. "You can't believe that I'm the one in these pictures. Someone did this! Someone wants to break us apart!"_

 _"_ _Why should I not believe it? You gave me your virginity after having known me for 5 fucking seconds!" I yell and I see her eyes grow in horror at what I said. "You went into my Playroom just because I asked you to!"_

 _"_ _I did that for you!" She screams._

 _"_ _Doesn't mean that you wouldn't do it for someone else!" I scream back at her. "I flashed my money at you, and you spread your legs for me! If I had known it doesn't take that much to get you into bed I wouldn't have bothered!"_

 _She freezes at my words then, her hand flying to cover her mouth in a poor attempt to hide her cries as she shakes her head continuously._

 _"_ _Get dressed and get the fuck out of my house. You have five fucking minutes. If you're not dressed by then, I'm throwing you out in your robe!"_

 _At that second, I can almost physically see something snap in her, and before I can stop her, she charges at me and starts smacking my chest and kicking my legs._

 _"_ _You fucking asshole!" She yells, her tears never stopping as she delivers weak punches to my chest. "How can you believe this? After everything we've been through, how can you fucking believe this?"_

 _"_ _Stop fucking denying it and don't fucking touch me again!" I say as I grab her arms and push her away from me, making her fall back on her ass. I see her wince, probably from the pain of both the belt and the fall. "You don't get to touch me ever again!"_

 _"_ _I hate you!" She screams as she moves to stand up. "I fucking hate you!"_

 _"_ _Right back at you!" I say and move to grab her arm and drag her towards the elevator. "Your 5 minutes are up! I'll have Taylor send you your things."_

 _Suddenly, I see Taylor standing in front of me, his face and eyes filled with fury._

 _"_ _Let go of her." He says, making Anastasia stop her struggles against my hold._

 _"_ _Move away, Taylor." I say, but he takes a step towards me, holding his hand against my shoulder._

 _"_ _I said let go of her, Christian." He says through gritted teeth. "I will escort her out. There's no need to manhandle her."_

 _"_ _Fine." I say and let go of her arm so strongly that she stumble forward, only to be held back by Taylor so that she doesn't fall. "I want her out of here within five minutes."_

 _"_ _She will be." Taylor says, and I notice Anastasia looking up at him in horror, not believing that he is not deceived by her act. I see him whisper something in her ear, making her shoulders sag in defeat, before she goes up to the room where Gail has placed her stuff._

 _"_ _Thank you, Taylor." I say, all my energy leaving me in a sigh as I sit back on the couch with a thud._

 _"_ _Don't thank me, you fucking prick." Taylor says, and I'm shocked by his words, making me jump to my feet again._

 _"_ _What did you just say to me?"_

 _"_ _You heard me!" Taylor snaps, losing his stoic demeanor for the first time ever. "Gail and I will be leaving with Ana. Consider this our resignation, effective immediately!"_

 _End Flashback_

That was the last time I saw the three of them, not that I haven't tried. God knows I have, but neither Anastasia nor Taylor are taking any of my phone calls, nor are they replying to my messages or e-mails.

I can't track them because they left their cellphones at Escala before they left, and no one that knows them would let me know where they are. Even Welch refuses to tell me anything about Taylor, and I know that the two of them are thick as thieves.

Kate and Elliot keep telling me that they haven't heard anything from Anastasia, and I don't have a chance but to believe them. At least Elliot, because he can't keep a secret to save his life.

I contemplated contacting Ray, but I left that as a final resort, simply because I didn't want to be on the other end of his shotgun.

I had realized just what a terrible mistake I had made a week after that night. For that first week, I just drank. I didn't go to the office, and I didn't even shower. I simply sat at the piano, drinking, and playing. I only managed to eat for the first few days because of the leftovers in the fridge. Once those were gone, and since Gail wasn't there anymore, I replaced food with alcohol.

Then my mother showed up at Escala one day, and she basically ripped me a new one. She had yelled, and screamed, and even swore at one point or another, but I didn't pay attention to what she said.

Until she told me that she knew Anastasia had cheated on me, because Elena had told her.

That was when I froze where I had been standing.

I never spoke to Elena, didn't tell her anything, and I'm welling to bet my entire fortune that neither Anastasia nor Taylor had told her.

That only meant one thing.

She was the one who sent the pictures!

I remember running into my office where I had the pictures kept in a box in my safe. I had kept them there to work as a reminder why I had kicked Anastasia out, in case I ever thought about contacting her again.

I heard my mom come after me, but I don't remember anything she said as I reached into the box and looked through the pictures again.

Then, I felt like time stood still, like my world froze, then was suddenly shattered into a million more pieces.

The girl in the pictures had three earrings; three piercings in her ear.

Anastasia only had one.

That was when I finally broke down in tears. Gut-wrenching sobs rocked my body, and I didn't even react when my mother wrapped her arms around me.

I had ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, because I didn't pay close attention to the fabricated evidence sent to destroy us.

That night, my mother stayed by my side. She had asked Rayan – one of the only three CPOs that stayed – to help her take me to my room and she helped me into the shower. She then cooked me a warm meal, forced me to eat, then stayed with me as I fell asleep.

I woke up the following day and found her in the kitchen making breakfast, and without having her even ask me anything, I spilled my guts out, explaining everything.

And when she asked me that one dreaded question, about why Elena would do that, I answered her honestly, telling her everything, going back to that first time I started working at the Lincoln's.

I told her every sordid detail, even the kind of lifestyle Elena dragged me into.

I begged her not to blame herself, and held her in my arms as she cried. She swore she would destroy Elena, and I told her I would help her.

I had called Ros then, demanding that she buys out the entire Escalva chain, then liquidating it and selling it off in pieces to the highest bidder. Then I called Welch and had him do an FBI kind of digging on Elena, hoping to find anything that would destroy her.

What he found was far beyond what I had hoped for. The amount of child-pornography and 'insurance policies' of underage kids she had on her computers was staggering, and for the first time in my life, I finally realized that I had indeed been a victim of hers.

I finally realized what Anastasia had been telling me since day one.

Elena Lincoln was a fucking pedophile who had molested me when I was 15 years old.

I didn't want to contact Anastasia until I made sure that Elena was taken care of, because I wanted to prove to her that I believed her and that I took our revenge against her.

Luckily, process "Destroy Elena" only took a couple of days after the day I realized just how much of an asshole I had been.

Unfortunately, by the time I summoned up the courage to contact Anastasia, I was told that she had quit Grey Publishing on the following day of our fall out, her resignation being effective immediately. Of course, having stayed out of the office for a week after that night, I wasn't informed of her resignation.

All the more reason to hate myself.

I'm brought out of my thoughts with the sound of my phone ringing, and I frown, realizing that the time is only 4 a.m. now.

 _Who the fuck would be calling me at this hour?_

I reach for my cell phone, and my heart sinks when I see Elliot's name displayed on the screen, and I quickly hold the device against my ear.

"Elliot? Is everything OK?" I ask, my mind going on overdrive with the possibilities of what might be wrong.

"Christian." The way he says my name makes my heart plummet further, and I grip the side of the piano bench, waiting to hear what he has to say. "It's Ana."

"What happened?" I ask, my voice barely coming out in a whisper.

"She's back." He whispers, and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "She just arrived here 30 minutes ago. I thought you would like to know."

"I'll be right there." I say without bothering with pleasantries and quickly hanging up.

I don't know how I functioned. All I know is that within 5 minutes, I'm dressed and in my car heading towards Elliot and Kate's apartment. I know I kept praying on the way there that she would listen to me, that she would hear me out. I know I drove like a bat out of hell.

There is only one idea going through my mind as I drive there.

 _I have to show her just how much I'm sorry, and how much I love her. I have to beg for her forgiveness._

Maybe two ideas.

As I park my car in front of the building where Elliot lives, I realize that it only took me 6 minutes to get there. I run into the building, and when the elevator's door doesn't open up immediately, I run up the stairs, taking them two stairs at the time.

By the time I get to the 14th floor, I'm a breathless mess, and I can barely bang on the door. I'm about to bang on the door again, when the it flies open, and a pissed looking Anastasia stands on the other side, shooting daggers at me with her eyes.

"What the fuck do you want?" she asks, her voice dripping with venom.

"Baby, please, hear me out." I beg as I try to catch my breath still.

"You don't get to call me that anymore, you fucking asshole." She snaps at me and moves to slam the door in my face, but before it bangs shut, I see a small hand holding it back.

I'm shocked to see it's Kate's.

"Why don't you come in, Christian?" Kate asks, and I notice Anastasia looking at her best friend with her mouth gaping open.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Anastasia yells at Kate. "Did you fucking brainwash her to believe you lies?" She throws at me, and I can't help but wince at her words.

"Baby-"

"I said you don't get to call me that!" She yells, her voice not threatening to wake up the next-door neighbors.

"Christian, come in. Ana, keep your yelling until I close the door. We don't need a scene at this ungodly hour!" Kate snaps, making Anastasia move away from the doorway, allowing me to step in. Once Kate closed the door behind me, Anastasia releases all her pent up anger at me, yelling, screaming, swearing, and even throwing in a couple of punches against my arms and chest between words.

Kate and Elliot have disappeared somewhere, giving us a semblance of privacy, but I'm sure Anastasia's yelling cancelled that out. She swears at me and my lifestyle, cursing the day the agreed to go into my playroom. She yells about trying to be a sub to satisfy me, even when both of us know that there isn't a submissive bone in her body.

For 20 minutes, she yells, and cries. When she finally stops, she lets out a gasp of horror as she realizes everything she has said and that Elliot and Kate must have heard it all.

"It's ok." I tell her, making her eyebrows meet her hairline in surprise. "They know."

"They know?" She asks, obviously unable to believe me.

Not that I blame her.

"They know." I repeat with a shrug.

"What the fuck happened while I was away?" She asks after a few minutes of silence, settling for that one simple question to answer the dramatic change in my life.

"How about we sit down for this. It's going to be a long conversation." I say, and I see her contemplating her options. Finally, she gives a small nod, and heads towards the kitchen, only to come back with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

"I have a feeling we will need this." She says as she sits down on the couch. I move to sit beside her, but the minute my ass touches the leather, she stands up and moves to sit across of me, and I can't hide the pain that flashed over my face because of that one simple move.

"We might need something stronger, but this will do for now." I say and reach for the glass of wine she poured me. I down it in one gulp, contemplating on where to begin with my explanation.

For a few minutes, I open my mouth, wanting to say something, then I close it, nothing coming out. Finally, she huffs out in frustration and stands up, making me start to panic that she's leaving again.

"If you have nothing to say, I suggest you leave and let me rest up." She says, obviously annoyed with my hesitance.

"I was molested by my mother's best friend when I was 15 years old." I begin, and upon hearing those words, she sinks into her chair with a thud, and stares at me with wide eyes. Those words were like the small crack in the dam, and with every passing second, that crack grew, and the words stumbled out of my mouth without filter.

I told her everything, pretty much the same explanation I gave my mother in regards to Elena fucking Lincoln. Then I told her about the day I received the pictures. I saw her flinch as I explained that day, and the week after, and by the time I told her how I had figured out that Elena sent them, she had silent tears streaming down her face.

I told her how I began the motions into destroying Elena, that she now faces pedophilia and molestation charges waiting for trial. I told her how I told my mother everything, and how I then told my family, realizing that she was right all along, and that my family does love me unconditionally.

I told her how I tried to reach her, and Taylor, to no avail. How I had been desperately trying to contact her, to tell her everything. To beg for her forgiveness. To tell her just how much I love her.

That she's my entire life.

My heart.

My more.

"I had to go away." She whispers, and I can only nod in understanding. "I couldn't stay here and work in the same building you work at, share an apartment with your brother, be in the same city as you. I couldn't risk the chance of running into you after what you had done to me. So, I had to go away."

"Where were you?" I ask, curious as to where she had been hiding. I knew that Taylor must have had a role in her disappearance, but that was a story for another day.

"Not that it's any of your business, but Taylor arranged for me to go to Italy. He paid for my trip, his way of apologizing for having an asshole boss." She said, and again, I wince at her words.

"I'm sorry." I finally say after a few minutes of silence. "I should've listened to you when you said it wasn't you in the pictures."

"Yes, you should have." She says and looks away from me, obviously trying to fight back her tears. "But your apology is too little too late, Christian."

I feel my heart stop at her words.

"What are you saying, baby?" I ask, struggling not to let my voice shake with fear.

"Don't call me that!" She snaps at me again, and I only nod, not able to find the words to reply. She takes a deep breath, maybe trying to calm her temper, then reaches for her forgotten wine.

"I only came back to Seattle to finalize my affairs, one of those affairs being you. I had planned to meet with you, to talk to you, but at a later point in time, preferably right before I left again, but I guess I have to thank Elliot for your presence here now." She says and takes another deep breath.

 _She's leaving again? NO, NO, NO!_

"You probably already know that I quit my position at GP." She says, then rolls her eyes. "Who am I kidding? Of course you know. Anyway, I found a job in Rome. I'm starting in a couple of week. I came back to tie up loose ends before moving there permanently."

"What? No!" I yell and jump to my feet. "You can't leave me!"

"I didn't leave you, Christian. You kicked me out, remember?" She asks, and her words stab at my heart like a knife. "You kicked me out after you beat me, and humiliated me. You kicked me out after you believed that I would cheat on you, even after everything we have been through. You. Kicked. Me. Out!"

By the time she finishes her words, she's in tears, and when I move towards her, trying to comfort her, she moves away from me.

"Don't touch me!" She snaps, and the knife twists deeper into my heart.

"You broke me, Christian. You were the love of my life, the one person I loved more than anyone else. The only person I would have gladly moved heaven and earth for." She says as she tries to wipe away her tears. "But I can't let you do that to me again. I can't be with you if you can't trust me."

"I trust you!" I say, but the look she gives me freezes any other word I might have wanted to say in my throat.

"You're a wealthy man, Christian. You have numerous enemies. How can I know that you won't react the same should one of those enemies decide to use me to get to you? I can't take that risk. I won't take that risk."

"I won't, I promise you!"

"You promised you would never hurt me." She said and looks at me straight in the eyes. "You promised you would never _physically_ hurt me again. You promised you would never leave me. Yet, here we are."

That damn knife keeps twisting deeper and deeper.

"You know what hurt me the most of that night?" She asks, and I don't dare answer, because I know a rhetorical question when I hear one. "Don't get me wrong, it all hurt, the humiliation, the mistrust. But the one thing that stands out the most, the one thing that I don't think I will ever be able to forgive or forget, is the belt."

I feel the breath get knocked out of my lungs as realizations sinks, and with it I sink to my knees before her.

"You promised you would never punish me again. Funny thing is, I might have been able to understand a punishment had I actually done anything, but I didn't, and you refused to believe me. You refused to hear me out."

"Anastasia…" I say her name, but I don't know what else to say. She looks at me, her eyes red from crying, but still the most beautiful shade of blue.

"Like I said, I had planned to see you, because I wanted closure. I guess you gave me that before I came asking for it, just like everything else you have given me. Unfortunately, you were never able to truly understand that it was never about material things for me. All I wanted was your love and trust. I guess I never had either."

"That's not true! You know I love you with everything I am." I say defensively, and reach out to hold her hands. Thankfully, she lets me, and I my breath hitches at the first physical contact we've had in weeks.

"If you had truly loved me then you would have trusted me. You would have trusted that I would never do something so vile and ugly as cheating on you." She says and moves to take her hands away from mine, but I hold tighter on them, refusing to let go. "You know what my opinion on cheating is, how strongly I feel about it because of my mother, yet at the first accusation, you believed them over me. It's either that you never loved me enough to trust me, or that you never knew me enough to believe me. Sometimes I think it's both."

"That's not true, Anastasia. I love you with everything I am. You brought light into my life, you helped me realize what living really is. Before you, I merely existed, but you came into my life and showed me what love is. What more is. You taught me how to love."

"I'm glad I was able to do that, but it's not enough. Maybe you will realize that before you get into a new relationship. Maybe what we shared with make you a better boyfriend for whomever captures your heart next. But that won't be me, Christian."

"I'm begging you." I say as I rest my forehead on her knees. I feel tears prickling the corners of my eyes, and the minute she runs her hands through my hair, I break down. "I'm begging you, Anastasia. I'm sorry. You can't even imagine how sorry I am. I'm begging for your forgiveness. Please, please, give me another chance."

"I can't." She says after a few long seconds of silence, her voice obviously heavy with tears. "I have to protect myself and my heart."

"What can I do to show you that I'm sorry? What can I do to prove to you that I will never mistrust you?"

"Christian, don't make this harder than it already is. God knows my heart is breaking with every word I'm saying, but you broke it first. I can't work on healing myself only to have you break it again."

"I won't!" I yell and my head snaps up, silent tears streaming down my face. "Why won't you believe me!"

"It hurts, doesn't it? That the one person you love the most doesn't believe you." She says, and this time she manages to free her hands from mine before she stands up. I can hear her walking around the room, but I can't bring myself to look up and watch her.

"I've only come here because I can't check into my hotel until later today, but I guess I should head out now." She says, making my head snap towards her.

 _She's leaving!_

"Anastasia, please!"

"If you're still her when Elliot and Kate wake up, would you tell them that I'll stay in touch?" She asks and grabs her purse. "And Christian, please don't try to find me. Just let me go."

With that, she leaves the apartment, leaving me on my knees.

I stay in my position staring at the door for long hours, or maybe there were minutes, I'm not sure.

All I know is that she left, and she took my heart with her.

I don't even react when I feel a hand rest on my shoulder, nor do I react when I feel Elliot help me up. I feel numb, and for the first time in 24 years, I feel like the weak 4 years old boy again.

She left.

She's not coming back.

She's moving overseas.

She doesn't love me anymore.

I did this. I broke us. I broke her.

For a while, I sit at Elliot's couch, not saying a word, just going over every word she said.

Analyzing them. Dissecting them. That's what I do best. I break things down, and from the broken pieces, I build something better and bigger.

I take a deep breath, and close my eyes. When I open them, I decide on two things.

One, I will win her back.

Two, I will build something better from this. We will be better.

Anastasia and I belong together, and come hell or high water, I will prove that to her. I will show her just how much I love her.

I will show her that I am nothing without her.

I will prove it to her.

I will win her back.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I know I said I wouldn't add to this story, but the influence of two amazing women out there won me over. Carol and Alner, I'm dedicating this to you, and to your insistence.**

 **This chapter has mention of abuse, both mental and physical. Consider this your trigger warning. If you don't want to read about it, I completely understand and respect your decision, but if you do read it, please don't complain to me about it. Again,** ** _this chapter will include mentions of physical and mental abuse._**

 **I'm not sure how many chapters I'll be adding to this, but I guess I'll let you know when it's done. Let me know what you think!**

 **Ana POV**

I sigh as I apply the last of my makeup. I've never been one to apply heavy layers of makeup, but my current situation requires for such measures. Another sigh leaves my lips as look myself over in the full-length mirror in my, _our_ , hotel room, and I think I look good enough.

Then his voice rings in my head, reminding me that no matter what I do, I'll never be anything more than below average.

He's right though. I am below average. Everyone in my life have abandoned me at one point or another, except for him, and he always makes sure to remind me of that fact. He always reminds me of how my mother didn't care enough to save me from husband no. 3, and how Taylor and Gail haven't contacted me in long months because they probably think of me as a distant memory. He always reminds me how Ray is always busy with his fishing trips and his life that he doesn't care about me anymore, and how Kate now only cares about Elliot and about their upcoming wedding.

And he always makes sure to remind me that if I weren't enough for a hot-shot millionaire, I should be lucky that I'm enough for him.

If I were above average, wouldn't that have been different? I mean, wouldn't have my mother cared enough to attend my graduation? Wouldn't Taylor and Gail send me a postcard from wherever it is they live now? Wouldn't Ray have come to visit me in Rome? Wouldn't Kate try harder to keep our friendship alive even if we lived in different countries?

Well, at least she invited me to the wedding. We always said that we would be each other's bride's maids, but I guess, when you're below average, you only get an invitation.

"We should head out." I hear him say from the doorway, and I only nod at him, not knowing if I should say something or not. I can see him through the mirror as he approaches me, and my body instinctively stiffens at his proximity. "Relax. You haven't done anything that requires a punishment, have you?" He asks, and I quickly shake my head at him, knowing that there's a hint of fear in my eyes as I look at our reflection in the mirror. "Then relax."

If there's one thing I learned during my time with him, it's obeying his every word. I know that he loves me, and that he only has my best interest at heart, but sometimes, his way of showing that love can be on the painful side, and I don't want to receive that now.

Not when I'm all dressed up and ready to go.

"As much as I would've loved it if we stayed back in Rome, I know you would've hated me if we didn't come today." He says, making me nod weakly at him. "Now, you know _he's_ going to be there tonight, and I want you to stay away from him. I don't want you talking to him, I don't want you dancing with him, I don't want you to even look at him. Do you understand me, Anastasia?"

"Yes." I say, my voice coming out weak and my eyes cast down.

"Good girl." He says as he places a soft kiss on the crown of my head before he takes a step away from me. "I'll wait for you downstairs. Don't be long."

With that, he leaves the room, allowing me to let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

Today is Kate and Elliot's wedding, and I know that Christian will be there. I haven't seen him or talked to him since that night I walked out of Kate's apartment a little over a year ago. I've thought about him a few times, but somehow, Jose was always able to tell when I did.

And when that happened, I always ended up crying myself to sleep.

That's why I forced myself to stop thinking about him altogether, because Jose is right. Thinking about my ex when I'm seeing someone else might as well be emotional cheating.

And I'm not a cheater.

I will never be a cheater.

As I make my way out of our hotel room, I remember the first time I saw Jose in Rome. I was shocked to say the least, but then he told me that he got my address from Kate and he wanted to be there for me after everything that's happened with Christian. He didn't want me to be alone in Rome. He said that I needed someone with me to help me get over Christian.

He was so sweet and caring and helpful, and I couldn't tell him _no_ when he asked me out 5 months after he first arrived to Italy. We dated for a few weeks before we made love for the first time, and he was amazing; so amazing that I had tears in my eyes as he made love to me.

It took me some time to be able to open my heart up after what Christian did to me, but I was already in too deep when he slapped me the first time. I don't blame him though. I deserved that one. I was looking at old pictures on my laptop, and I came across one of Christian. I guess I lingered a bit longer than I should have, and that got Jose upset. He apologized profusely after, and I knew that I'm the one who pushed him towards it.

By the time I make it out of the hotel's front doors, I find Jose waiting in his rental car. I slide in as graciously as I can, slightly wincing at the old bruise on my thigh that is now fading.

"I'm sorry." Jose says as he drives away from the hotel, looking at me with apologetic eyes. "I'm really sorry baby, but you seriously pushed me this time."

"I know, and I'm the one who's sorry." I say as I smile weakly at him. "I shouldn't have asked you about finding a job. I already make enough money for the two of us. You need to focus on your photography."

"Yes, I do. Once I find my big break, I'll be able to support the two of us, but I won't be able to do that if I get a job." Jose says with a sigh, and I just nod at him before looking out the window.

As we drive down the Seattle streets, I realize that I've actually missed it here. I haven't been back since I started my job there. At first, I didn't want the reminder of Christian, then Jose and I started dating, and I had to focus my entire attention on our relationship.

I didn't want things to end with Jose the same way they ended with Christian, and even though Jose tells me that he'll never leave me, he also always reminds me that I'm lucky that he still loves me and that he didn't mind dating me after Christian did.

I guess I am lucky. I mean, Jose has loved me since we were in college. Any other man would've long since moved on, especially when I knew how he felt about me and still chose someone else over him.

Jose has been nothing but great to me during this year we've been together. Yes, he does have his bad times, but I know that he wouldn't have them if it weren't for me doing or saying something stupid.

I've been trying real hard not to push his buttons, but sometimes, it just happens. I've kept track of what usually triggers his bad moods, and I've stayed away from those, but sometimes, something new triggers him, and it then gets added to my list.

The hardest thing I have to do about these bad moods of his is trying to hide the aftermaths from my colleagues at work, simply because they wouldn't understand. They wouldn't understand that I'm lucky to have Jose in my life. That maybe, if it weren't for him, I'd still be moping over Christian. Who knows what would've become of me if Jose didn't come into my life when he did.

Before I know it, we arrive at Bellevue, and I have to take a deep breath to calm myself down. I can't let anything affect me now, because I don't want to upset Jose. He doesn't deserve that.

We make our way to the entrance where we're greeted by Grace, Carrick, Eamon, and Jessica. As soon as Grace sees me, she embraces me in a strong hug, and I have to stifle the wince I feel as she pushes against my bruised ribs.

 _Serves you right for pissing him off, stupid ass._

I shake my head at the voice screaming at me, and I focus my attention on Grace.

"Oh sweet, sweet Ana." Grace says as she holds me at arm's length to look me over, then she frowns. "You've lost weight, sweetie."

"I've been exercising." I lie, knowing that she won't like it if I tell her that Jose likes my body this way. It's not her place to judge, so I just leave that information out.

"We've missed you around here." She tells me after a long silence, as if she's telling me that she doesn't believe me. "Christian has been trying to reach you."

"Well, he should move on." I say, my tone cold. "I did."

Hearing that, Grace's frown deepens, and she looks back to see Jose wrapping his arm around my waist. What she doesn't see is that Jose is gripping my waist in a tight vice, and I'm sure it's going to bruise before the night is over.

 _I should've just said hi and moved along. I shouldn't have given her the chance to bring up Christian!_

"Jose, you remember Elliot and Mia's mother, Dr. Grace." I say, reminding him of when they met back when Christian's helicopter crashed. I intentionally ignore the way Grace's eyes grow at the fact that I didn't mention Christian's name, but I'm doing out of respect to my boyfriend.

It's bad enough he's here with me at Christian's parent's house and he will have to see him too. I don't need to have people rub it more in his face that Christian and I were together.

We quickly greet the parents of the bride and groom then make our way to the back yard where two huge tents are set up. I'm guessing one is for the ceremony and the other is for the reception. We make our way through the first tent that we're ushered to, and I give out a small sigh when I find that it's almost full. That means that we don't have to wait long before the ceremony begins.

I really hope that Christian has moved on, not because I want him to find happiness. He can rot in hell with a broken heart for all I care. I just don't want him to come seek me out to talk. I promised Jose not to talk to him or even look at him, but I won't be able to do that if he corners me.

Jose deserves better than me breaking my promise.

I try to busy myself with my phone, because Jose is doing the same, but when I hear voices at the front of the tent, I look up and my breath hitches in my throat.

Elliot has just walked in to stand at the altar, and right beside him is Christian and some other guy who I don't know.

Before I can stop my mind from thinking it, I find myself admiring the way he looks, because I've never seen him look this good. He's wearing a black tux with a white crisp shirt, and his hair is unusually tame.

I gasp when I feel Jose pinch my thigh, hard, and when I look at him, I cower in my chair.

"I told you not to even look at him. Is that too much to ask for?" He whisper-yells at me, and I feel my heart plummet to my stomach. "And don't you dare lie to me and tell me you were looking at Elliot!"

I cower even further back in my chair, and I immediately look at the floor, not wanting to risk my eyes catching Christian again.

When the wedding march begins, we all stand up and I turn to look towards the back of the tent. I see Mia walk out first, closely followed by Kate's cousin Stephanie. I don't keep my eyes on them to see them as they reach the altar, but keep my eyes fixed on the back. Seconds later, Kate emerges with her dad, and I feel tears sting the back of my eyes at how beautiful she looks.

Our eyes meet, and I see her face split in a booming smile, when I can only smile weakly back at her. This time, I keep my eyes on her. However, when she reaches Elliot, my eyes seem to have a mind of their own and they turn to Christian, as if he was a magnet.

That's when our eyes meet, and I can see his face lose all its color when he sees me.

Once again, I feel Jose strongly hold my arm, and he pulls me down to sit forcefully. I'm sure that if a chair wasn't behind me, I would've ended up on my ass.

"Sorry." I mumble under my breath, not daring to look at him for fear of the anger I'm sure to find in his eyes.

"I'll deal with you later." Jose hisses, making me take a deep breath to try and tame down my tears, with one thought in my mind.

 _It's going to be a damn long night.  
_

* * *

The ceremony was beautiful. Well, at least I think it was. Kate never does anything half-assed, so I can only assume the same about her wedding. Me? I couldn't focus because for one, my mind was reeling with all the possible scenarios of how Jose will be dealing with me later, and two, I never looked up at the alter for fear of having my eyes drift to Christian again.

I never should have agreed to come to the wedding. I could've come up with a million excuse of why I couldn't make it. As much as I hate to admit it, not coming to the wedding would've been the better bargain of having Jose upset with me. I love him, with all my heart, but at the end of the day I'm only human, and I'm in the same proximity of the first man I ever gave everything to. It's only natural for my eyes to catch him, even if I didn't want to.

I keep my eyes down as Kate and Elliot make their way out of the tent, closely followed by their wedding party. I feel my entire body stand to attention when Christian walks by me, but I don't dare look up, and keep my eyes on my suddenly interesting shoes.

"We're only staying for one hour for the reception, you hear me?" Jose whispers beside me, and I only nod at him.

It's not like I don't want to get out of here as soon as possible. If I knew that Kate wouldn't be pissed, I would leave now.

We move to the next tent, where the reception will be held, and I stay close to Jose as we wait for the bride and groom to arrive. I could do a happy dance that Kate didn't invite my father. He doesn't know I'm back for a visit, and I would like for it to stay that way. If he did find out, I'll have to go see him and I don't want to spend any minute away from Jose. Besides, dad will never understand the kind of relationship Jose and I have, and he'll try to break us apart.

I suddenly feel shivers go up my spine, and I can literally feel eyes on me. When I look up, I don't see anyone close, but upon further looking, I find Christian standing towards the other end of the tent with his eyes fixed on me.

I quickly look away, praying that Jose didn't see that. When he doesn't say anything, I let out a small sigh of relief and focus on my drink. It doesn't take long for the DJ to announce that Kate and Elliot are making their entrance, and I make sure that my eyes stayed fixed on the newly-weds.

For the second time tonight, I feel tears sting the back of my eyes at how happy Kate looks. She seems to be on cloud no. 9, and for a split second, I envy her.

 _No, I don't. I have that with Jose. One day, that's going to be us._ I silently tell myself as I take a long sip of my wine.

After the first dance is over, I watch as people start to join the bride and groom on the dance floor. Everyone seems so happy, while I'm just standing towards the back of the tent, trying to blend in the background.

As people start to realize I'm here, I see them looking at me with either sympathetic eyes or angry ones. I can understand the sympathy, but why the anger? I'm not the one who broke up with Christian! He's the asshole who broke my heart.

"Let's dance." Jose suddenly says, and by his tone, I know that I don't have the choice. I place my glass on the table beside me, and I take his offered hand as he leads me to the dance floor. I notice that the music is for a slow number, and I smile at Jose as he pulls me close to him. We don't say anything as we dance, but I can tell by Jose's stiffness that he can't wait to leave.

"Baby…" I start, but he cuts me off with an angry glare.

"Not now, Anastasia." Jose says through grit teeth. "I don't understand why you just won't listen to what I tell you! Do you think I don't want you talking to him because I hate him? Well, I do, but that's not the reason. I worry about you, and I want what's best for you. That asshole broke your heart. He used you. He believed someone else over you. I want you to stay away from him because it's best for you!"

"I know, baby." I say, my voice coming out in a weak whisper. "I swear I didn't mean to look at him. I don't feel anything for him anymore. My heart belongs to you."

"It better." Jose says, and I know not to say anything else. I just rest my head on his shoulder as we continue to dance, until I hear someone clear their throat besides us. I look up, and I'm rather shocked to see Carrick stand there with a soft smile on his lips.

"May I cut in?" He asks, the smile never leaving his face, but I can see a hint of worry in his eyes. I can also tell by Jose's facial reaction that he wants to say no, but being the polite man he is, he only nods and places my hand in Carrick's.

For a few long seconds, neither one of us say anything as I try to look at anything but Carrick.

"We all miss you, Ana." He says, his voice warm and fatherly. "How have you been?"

"Great." I say with a smile on my face. "I love my job in Rome, and my new life is amazing."

"I'm glad to hear that." He says with a nod as he places his hand on my waist to guide me through the dance, and I can't help but wince as he touches the exact spot Jose kicked a few days ago. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I just bumped against the table a few days ago." I say, looking over his shoulder at Kate as she dances with Mia and Stephanie. "You know how clumsy I can be."

Carrick doesn't say anything, but I can tell that he's studying my face for any signs of insincerity.

 _Thank God for heavy makeup. I would hate for him to see the bruise I'm sporting on my cheek._

"Christian has been miserable without you." He casually says, and I have to try very hard not to let my true feelings show on my face.

"Well, he shouldn't have believed Elena over me." I say just as causally.

"She's rotting in prison."

"So I've heard."

"Aren't you going to forgive him?"

"Would you?" I ask, making Carrick chuckle at my question. "I didn't think so."

"I never said I wouldn't."

"What would you do?" I ask, just to humor him. I know I will not be doing anything about Christian. He's just a part of my past, and after tonight, that's where he will stay.

"I'd hear him out."

"I did that, and nothing came out of it." I say with a small sigh. "What he did is unforgivable, Carrick. I can't just forget that."

"I'm not saying that you should. I didn't say that you two should pick up where you left off either. All I'm saying is that you should give him a chance to prove to you that he's a changed man."

"A man like Christian can never change."

"I thought so too, we all did. He proved us all wrong. He's not the same." Carrick says with a sigh of his own. "On the one hand, he's a better man. He's worked on himself and his issues after you left. He's opened up more to us. On the other hand, he's a man who has everything but yet has nothing. Like I said, he's miserable without you. He won't give any other woman a chance, and I know for a fact that he still loves you. Now, as much as I hate to say this, maybe you two breaking up was a good thing, because I never thought I'll ever see Christian hug his mother willingly or hang out with his brother and myself without being forced to, but he can't get over you, and that piece of my son will never be repaired if you don't give him a chance."

"I have a boyfriend, Carrick." I say, my tone edging on irritation.

"I repeat, I never said that you two should pick up where you left off. Maybe this time around you can be friends."

"I don't think that's possible, given our history." I say, already tired of the conversation.

"Won't you even talk to him?"

"What's there to talk about?" I ask with a shrug.

"I don't know. Maybe he'll tell you." Carrick says, and I see him look over my shoulder. I feel my heart drop as I hear Christian's voice, and I'm sure my face is the epitome of panic at the moment.

 _No! Just go away!_

"May I cut in?" Christian asks, and my eyes immediately find Jose's, which are filled with murderous fury. I then look at Carrick, and silently plead with him to say no. If he says yes, I'll be forced to dance with Christian, because I don't want to make a scene in front of everyone, but at the same time, I don't want to upset Jose more than he already is.

"Maybe later, son." Carrick says, making my whole body relax. I don't see Christian's reaction, because I'm not even looking at him, but I can only imagine how upset and angry he is at the moment.

"Are you ok?" Carrick asks once Christian is out of earshot.

"Yes, I just don't think is very respectful to my boyfriend to be dancing with my ex." I quickly say, earning a questioning look from Carrick. "Excuse me, I need to you the ladies' room."

"Outside in the boathouse." Carrick says, but his eyes are still looking at me questioningly.

I simply smile at him before I make my way to Jose, and my face immediately sobers up at the way he's shooting daggers at Christian with his eyes.

"Baby, I need to go to the bathroom." I tell him, making him look at me with equally angry eyes.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" He asks, making my eyes go wide. "You're going to talk to him, aren't you?"

"What? No!" I gasp, making a few of the other guests look at me. "No, I'm not." I say, my voice a bit calmer now. "I really need to use the bathroom."

"I'm coming with you." He says as he yanks my arm and basically drags me out of the tent, making people look at us with confused eyes.

"Jose, people are looking." I say as I try to slow down my steps.

"I don't give a fuck! They should look at what a stupid bitch you're being."

"I didn't do anything! You're the one who allowed me to dance with Carrick!" I say as soon as we step out of the tent, making Jose freeze before he turns to look at me. I know it's coming, I can see it in his eyes, but for the life of me, I don't move to dodge his hand before it connects with my face.

"Did you want me to make a scene in front of everyone? I wouldn't have minded, but I didn't out of respect to you, you ungrateful bitch." He says as he grabs my hand once more, and I'm actually worried that if he presses a little more strongly on my wrist, he's going to break it.

He continues to drag me forcefully to where the bathrooms are, and I'm actually lucky that no one is out here to witness what is going on. I don't know how I'll be able to explain it without angering Jose more. He's just upset and needs to calm down, then he'll be back to normal.

Once we reach the boathouse, Jose pushed me through the door forcefully, making me stumble and fall on my knees. I cry out as I fall and my right hand takes all my weight.

"Stop being a cry baby and stand up." Jose yells as he kicks my legs, making it more difficult for me to get up. After a few failed attempts, I finally manage to get to my feet after supporting my weight on my left hand, and when I look at my right one, I notice it starting to swollen.

"Jose, I think I broke my hand." I say as I try to hold back the tears. "Maybe we should leave."

"We're not going anywhere, slut." Jose says as he takes a few menacing steps towards me, making me take a few steps back until my back is against the wall. "We're going to stay here, and you're going to avoid Christian at all costs."

"But my hand…" I begin, but I cry out when he grabs my injured hand and presses on it.

"Your hand is just fine." He says as he brings his lips up to my ear. "It's perfectly fine compared to what I'll be doing to you after we leave. Now go to the bathroom, and fix your makeup. You have 5 minutes. If you're not out by then, I swear I'll break down the door."

I only whimper as I scurry off to where I know the bathroom is, and as soon as I lock the door behind me, I break down in tears.

When am I ever going to learn? I'm a stupid bitch who doesn't learn! I knew Jose didn't want us to come to the wedding, but I insisted. Stupid me insisted! I should've known that he wouldn't handle seeing Christian! I'm so fucking stupid!

Knowing that the clock is ticking, I quickly use the bathroom while my tears are still streaming down my face. Once I'm done, I walk up to the mirror and wince at the way my makeup is smeared all over my face.

 _This is going to take a lot longer than 5 minutes with a broken hand!_

I go to the door to tell Jose that I'm going to need more time, but just before I open it, I hear someone talking to Jose. I press my ear against the door, and I'm able to hear a bit more clearly, although I can't identify who the other person is.

"Are you waiting for Ana?" the person asks, but I don't hear Jose say anything in response and I assume he just nodded. "I've been meaning to talk to you about something." I hear, and my heart sinks.

 _Who is that and what do they want to talk to Jose about? No one but Kate and Elliot's families know Jose._

"What?" Jose asks, and even through the door, I hear the anger in his voice.

"I've been meaning to do a photoshoot of my practice, some sort of a new advertisement campaign. Kate swears by your talent, and I want to hire you to do it." The man says, and I'm suddenly washed with relief. "Why don't you come to my office so we can discuss the details?"

"You want to talk business now?" Jose asks, and I can tell that he's surprised. "At your son's wedding?"

 _Carrick! Damn it!_

"Well, I haven't been able to reach you in Italy, and I don't want to risk you going back there without at least hearing what I have in mind."

"Fine." I hear Jose say, followed by the sound of their footsteps as they leave the boathouse. I let out a sigh of relief, knowing that this gives me more time to make myself look presentable, and I walk back to the mirror to start working on that.

10 minutes later, and after many failed attempts of fixing my makeup, I let out a loud groan, followed by a loud wince as my hand touches the counter.

I'm trying to figure out what to tell the ER doctor when I go there after the wedding, because no matter what, I know I have to go. My hand is turning to a blue-purplish color, and even though it's almost impossible for me to wiggle my fingers, I try, and a tear escapes my eye at the pain.

I yelp in surprise when I hear someone trying to open the door, and I realize that I've been here too long. Someone must be waiting outside to use the bathroom, and I curse at myself for being so ignorant.

"Just a minute." I call, my voice laden with pain as I put away my makeup using my good hand. "I said just a minute." I call again when the person on the other side of the door tries again. When my things are all back in my purse, I open the door with the intention to apologize to whoever is standing on the other side, but the words die in my mouth when I find Christian standing there.

"What are you doing here?" I ask as I try to push my way out of the bathroom, but he just blocks the way.

"I need to talk to you." He says, his voice sincere and calm.

"There's nothing to talk about." I say as I try to hide my hand behind my back. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go back to my boyfriend."

"Your _boyfriend_ is busy with my father." Christian spits out as he takes a step towards me, making me back up, which in turn gives him room to close the door and lock it.

"You set this up!" I gasp as I realize that he must've done that.

"Yes, I did, because you wouldn't talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about!" I insist as I try to walk to the door, but Christian just grabs my arm and pulls me to him, making me cry out in pain because he grabbed my right one.

"What the fuck is this?" He asks as he looks at my swollen hand. "What happened? Did he do this to you?"

"I fell." I say as I try to pull my arm away with as little pain as possible, but failing miserably. Next thing I know, Christian is holding my chin between his fingers and he forces me to look at him. He then moves his thumb against my cheek, wiping away my makeup and exposing the fresh bruise Jose gave me minutes ago.

"And what happened here? You walked into a door?" Christian asks through grit teeth.

"That's none of your damn business." I say as I step away from him. "You don't have any right to interfere in my life."

"I know I lost that right a year ago, but you have to realize that this is wrong!" Christian snaps as he tugs at his hair. "I'm going to kill that son of a bitch."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I snap and turn to look at him, the anger burning in my eyes. "He's been nothing but great to me. He helped me when no one was there for me. He's the only one who cares about me!"

"Oh my God! What has he done to you?" Christian asks, his voice now coming out in a shocked whisper. "You've lost weight. You look like crap. There's no spark in your eyes anymore."

"You took that spark away." I say as I turn back to the mirror to try and fix the makeup that Christian ruined.

"There was more life and spark in your eyes that day you left my crying on Kate's floor than there is now." Christian points out, making me freeze for a split second. "He's brainwashed you."

"He saved me."

"He destroyed you!"

"No, you did!" I snap again and turn to face him. "You destroyed me, and he picked up the pieces and put them back together. I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for him."

"You'd be healthy and safe!" Christian yells. "I won't believe it for one second that the Ana I knew would let this happen to her! What did he do to you? FUCK! I'm going to kill him!"

"You think your reaction is going to make me forgive you?" I say with a huff as I try to reapply my make up, but again, it's very difficult with my hand. The pain is becoming borderline unbearable, but I can't do anything about it now. Jose said we'll staying until the end.

"I'm going to get Mom." Christian says, but before I can even protest, he leaves the bathroom.

"Fuck." I swear under my breath as I quickly fix my face. I need to get out of here before Grace finds me. I don't need her inquisition to add to that of Carrick and Christian's.

I quickly finish my business and make my way to the door, my eyes studying my very painful wrist, and I don't realize that Jose has come back until I'm suddenly pushed back so hard that I fall on my back, my head slamming against the bathroom floor.

It takes me a few seconds for my vision to unblur, but it quickly becomes blurry again from the pain I'm feeling as Jose straddles the top half of my body, resting his knee and his entire weight on my broken wrist.

I cry out in agony when he presses on it, and I can actually feel the bone shatter, and through my tears, I see Jose's furious face looking down at me.

"Did you fuck him, slut?" He asks as he holds his hand against my throat, making it hard for me to breathe. I struggle against him, trying to kick him off, but he's much stronger than I am. "Did you arrange for Carrick to come get me so you can fuck him?"

"Please." I beg, my voice barely coming out. "I didn't…"

"Liar!" He screams, his voice booming against the bathroom walls. I shake my head strongly at him, my legs still kicking behind him, but he punches me in the face, making my head slam against the tiles again. The pain that explodes in my face is terrible, and I soon feel warm liquid against my cheeks. Once it reaches my lips, I know it's blood, and I realize that he must've broken my nose.

My movements falter after his punch, allowing him to reach back and hike up my dress. My whole body stiffens before I start kicking again, but he pins me down with his legs, squeezing my body between his thighs as he presses on my bruised ribs. His fingers reach my panties, and within seconds, he rips them off and shoves his fingers inside me so hard that I cry out in pain again.

"You're not wet. You've washed yourself, haven't you, whore?" He screams as he pulls his hand out forcefully, and I feel his ring catching my flesh and ripping it out. "I told you not to talk to him!" he screams again as his fist connects with my abdomen one, then two, then three times.

He grabs my throat again, and I can feel my head spinning with the loss of oxygen. When I stop struggling, I feel him get off me, and for a split second, I think he's going to leave me alone.

That thought quickly disappears when I feel his foot connect with my side, sending me across the floor and both my body and head hit the wall. I don't have any energy left in me to fight as I feel one kick after another, and just as I begin to feel myself get numb, I hear screaming in the background and I don't feel any more hits.

My face is facing the wall, and for the life of me, I can't turn around, but I can distinctly hear Christian and Carrick's voices screaming and swearing, and I cry out in pain when I feel a pair of hands touch my body.

"Christian, I need your help!" The person closest to me yells, and I can identify the voice as Grace's.

"Fuck!" Christian swears as he kneels beside me. "Ana, baby. Shit!"

I scream out in agony again as Christian and Grace flip me over to my back, and when I open my eyes, the first thing I see is Carrick punching Jose in the face.

"Christian, call the police and security." Grace says as she looks me over, careful not to apply any pressure on my body as she does so. "And get your father off of the asshole. We don't need him to end up in jail for murdering him."

Christian ignores Grace's last comment and just pulls out his phone. I feel myself go faint as I hear him talking to the police, and by the time he hangs up, I feel like I just want to sleep.

"No, Ana." Grace says as she rubs her hand over my hair, but then I hear her curse as she rubs against the spot I hit on the floor and wince. "Keep your eye open for me, sweet girl."

I'm too weak to voice my protest, so I just shake my head weakly at her, as much as I can with the pain I'm feeling.

"Ana, baby. Please, keep your eyes open." Christian now whispers, and I think I hear tears in his voice, but I'm too tired to open my eyes. "Baby, I'm begging you, open your eyes. Let me see those beautiful blue eyes."

"Sleep." I weakly say, and I can feel my body begin to relax as I feel sleep claim me.

"Baby, Ana, please." Christian says, his lips now next to my ears. "I love you, you have to stay awake. You need to stay awake to kick my ass."

Hearing that, I want to tell him _no_ , but instead I get a coughing fit, and I can taste blood on my lips.

"Mom, what's going on?" Christian's panicked voice asks. "Why is she coughing up blood?"

"She must be bleeding internally." Grace says as she tries to flip me to my side, but I whimper again in pain, too weak to make a stronger sound. "Help me get her to her side so she doesn't choke on the blood."

I vaguely hear sirens in the distance, but my brain is getting too foggy for me to concentrate on anything.

"Ana, baby. Stay with me." Christian says as he too rubs his hand over my hair. "Focus on my voice. Stay awake and focus on my voice."

"Sleep." I whimper again, and I suddenly feel something wet dripping on my face. I can't open my eyes to see what's going on, and for the life of me, I can't keep myself awake.

"I'm so sorry, Ana." Christian says before he sniffles, and I realize the wetness I felt on my face were his tears. "I'm so sorry for everything I've done. I'm so sorry for pushing you into his arms. I'm so fucking sorry."

I can't bring myself to say anything or even make a sound as I finally feel my body relax, and the last thing I hear before I let the darkness claim me is Christian telling me that he loves me again.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This chapter was first written on August 3** **rd** **, and unfortunately, real life stood in the way of me finishing it. I was either too busy or too tired to add to it, but then I got a serious case of writer's block.**

 **Today, I received a small piece of news that unblocked the dam. Add to that, today is the birthday of one of the very dearest people to my heart! So, this is my birthday present to you, dear! You know who you are. Happy birthday!  
**

* * *

 **Christian POV**

I'm sitting in the ER's waiting room, my elbows resting on my knees as I hold my head in my hands, and I'm numb. That's the only way to describe how I'm feeling at the moment. Numb.

Ana lost consciousness on the bathroom floor, and there was nothing Mom or I could do to bring her to. Luckily, the paramedics didn't take long to arrive. The police, however, took longer, and I'm almost thankful for their delay.

It gave Dad and Elliot the chance to show Jose what it really means to be on the receiving end of a punch, or many.

Elliot came running to the boathouse as soon as he saw the paramedics rushing into the house. I don't think I've ever heard him swear as much as he did when he saw Ana lying on the floor and Dad beating up Jose. Mom joined Ana in the ambulance, but since I wasn't related to her in any way, shape, or form, I had to follow in my own car.

I'm grateful that Mike, my new head of security, stopped me from driving and brought me to the hospital. I'm not sure I would've been able to get here in one piece given the state of mind I was in.

Still am in.

I got here just in time to see Ana being rolled into the ER, and Mom didn't even glance at me as she stayed beside her.

That was an hour ago, and I still haven't heard anything. No one would tell me anything because I'm not related to Ana.

I need them to tell me something. Anything!

My head snaps up as I hear commotion at the door of the waiting room, and I'm shocked to see Kate standing there in her wedding dress, closely followed by Elliot, Mia, and Dad.

"Where's Ana?" She immediately asks, her eyes looking around the room as if she'll find Ana sitting on one of the chairs. "Where is she?" She now yells.

"They're still working on her." I say, my voice strange to my own ears. "No one would tell me anything."

"Where's Mom?" Mia asks, and it's obvious that she's been crying.

"With Ana."

"Jose was brought here." Dad says, and I stiffen at the mere mention of the asshole's name. "He has two police officers with him. He won't be getting anywhere near Ana."

"You're not going to get in trouble, are you?" Mia asks, exchanging looks between Dad and Elliot.

"Don't worry." Dad says as he pulls Mia close to him. "Nothing is going to happen to Elliot or myself."

"Has anyone called Ray?" Elliot asks, making my eyes go wide.

 _Fuck! Ray! He's going to kill me!_

Everyone looks expectantly at Kate, and she just nods as she reaches her hand out to Elliot, silently asking for his phone.

"Tell him that I'll send him Charlie Tango." I tell Kate as I watch her dial his number. "He doesn't have to drive down here."

"Thank you." Kate says with a warm smile on her face.

I only nod at her before I pull out my phone to call Mike. I give him instructions to have Charlie Tango flown to Montesano to pick up Ray and fly back immediately. I tone out Kate's voice as I hear her talk to Ray as I sink back into my own head.

 _Fuck, this is all my fault. If I had only contacted her as soon as I ditched Flynn and started seeing Josh, maybe this wouldn't have happened. But no! No! I had to make sure that I'm a better person before I reached out to her!_

 _FUCK!_

 _I pushed her into his arms! I got her into this situation!_

 _FUCK!_

Then another thought crosses my mind that makes me sick to my stomach.

 _Jose must've seen me leave the boathouse. That asshole went crazy on her because he must've seen me leave the boathouse!_

 _FUCKING FUCK!_

"How are you?" I hear Elliot ask, and when I look up, I find him sitting beside me.

"Shit." I answer as honestly as I can, not having a better word to describe how I'm feeling.

"This is not your fault, C." Elliot says, and I have to look at him with wide eyes.

 _Did I say that out loud?_

"It's written all over your face. I'm your brother, and I know how your mind functions." Elliot says with a sad smile. "None of this is your fault."

"He must've seen me as I was leaving the boathouse." I say, my voice catching in my throat. "Dad says that Ana panicked when I approached them on the dance floor. She must've known he would do something and she was trying to avoid me, but I didn't take the hint. I should've taken the hint, E."

"Jose is a sick bastard who would've done this back in the hotel room. We're lucky he snapped at the wedding. Who knows what would've happened to Ana if he didn't." Elliot says, and I literally shudder at the thought. "Maybe you should call Josh."

"Later." I say as I run my fingers through my hair and tug at it. "I need to make sure that Ana is fine for now."

"Ray wanted me to thank you for sending the helicopter." Kate says as she tries to sit down next to Elliot with her huge wedding dress.

"You two should head out for your honeymoon." I say, earning deadly looks from both Kate and Elliot.

"We're not going anywhere until we make sure Ana is fine." Kate says and reaches to hold Elliot's hand, and for the millionth time since Ana left for Italy, my heart twists in jealousy over what they have.

This should've been us, Ana and I, but I had to fuck up. If I had only paid closer attention to those forsaken pictures, then maybe we wouldn't be here today.

Maybe Ana and I would've already been married.

"Kate, maybe you should at least go home to change then come back." Dad says from where he's still standing by the door. "Grace is in there and she won't leave Ana's side unless it's absolutely necessary."

"Stephanie is bringing me some clothes." Kate says with a sigh. "I'm not leaving this waiting room until I hear from the doctors."

"As you wish." Dad says with a nod, and the room is soon engulfed in silence. I don't know how much time passes without any of us saying a word, but when the door to the waiting room slams open, we all look up to find a furious Ray standing there.

"Where is my Annie?" He says, his eyes never leaving me.

"The doctors are with her." I hear Elliot say, being rendered speechless from Ray's angry stare.

"No one would tell us anything because we're not family." Kate says as she stands up, and I see Ray's eyes soften as he realizes that Kate is still in her wedding dress.

"Would someone take me to her?" He asks before his eyes fall on me again. "I'll deal with you later." He then says as he points his finger at me, but before I can say anything, I see my dad steer him out of the waiting room as he takes him to the nurses' station.

"What the fuck was that supposed to mean?" Mia asked, obviously irritated by Ray's last comment. "Why would he want to deal with you? You saved her!"

"Mia, cut it out." Elliot says sternly before he looks at me and silently shakes his head, as if he's telling me once more that it's not my fault.

 _Yeah. That'll be easy to believe._

Once again, the room is engulfed in silence, and I find myself slowly feeling claustrophobic. I suddenly feel the need for fresh air, so when I stand up, Elliot moves to join me, but I just tell him that I need to be alone for a bit.

I walk aimlessly through the halls, not really knowing where I'm going. I had intended to go out of the building, but it's like I lost all control over my legs as they led me through the ER halls. My mind can't stop imagining all the possible scenarios of what could've happened if Jose hadn't snapped at the wedding, then I start imagining the kind of life Ana must've been living for however long she's been with him.

I should've kept tabs on her. I never should've abandoned my controlling ways of making sure that she was safe. I should've appointed a covert CPO to follow her around in Italy. Maybe I would've been able to keep her away from him, even if I weren't a part of her life anymore.

I freeze in my tracks as I hear Ray and my Dad's voices, obviously arguing over something somewhere down the hall, and against my better judgment, I take a few steps closer, making sure I stay away from their line of vision.

"For crying out loud, Ray, calm down." I hear Dad say, obviously trying to get Ray to quiet down.

"It's all his fault! He pushed her to move away! He broke her heart!" Ray says, making my heart drop to my stomach.

 _He's right, though. It is all my fault._

"I understand where you're coming from, Ray. Believe me, I do. But this is my son you're talking about." Dad says, and I can tell by his tone that he's seriously trying to keep his anger at bay. "No one is at fault here but Jose. He's the one you should be blaming, not Christian. He's the asshole who's been beating Ana around for God knows how long. That girl was terrified today. Terrified! Today was obviously not the first time he's laid his hands on her."

"You don't know how she was when she left, Carrick. She was so broken. She was a shell of the Ana I raised." Ray says, his voice breaking down. "He did that to her."

"And he's regretted it every second since." Dad says, and I have to rest my head against the wall because I feel like my own legs won't hold me up anymore. "Christian knows that he fucked up, and he's been working on making it better since then. He's kept his distance because he was respecting her wishes."

"I should've never believed Jose when he kept telling me that Ana was fine." I hear Ray say, and my head snaps up at that. "I only spoke to Ana a handful of times in the past months, but whenever I called, Jose would either tell me that she's forgotten her phone at home or that she was busy. He always said that she was doing great, and I believed him. I fucking believed him!"

"Ray, listen to me!" Dad says, his tone firm but softer. "It's all Jose's fault. It's not yours, it's not Christian's, and it's definitely not Ana's. We don't know to what extents he went to get her to stay with him. I'm a lawyer, I've seen this more times than I'd like to. It's Abuse 101. Alienate her from her closest friends and family, brainwash her, and she'll take every punch willingly. Their being all the way in Italy played greatly in his favor too."

"I didn't raise her to be like that!"

"I'm sure you didn't, but we can't be sure of the details until we talk to her." Dad says and I hear him take a deep breath. "What did the doctor tell you?"

"He said that they stabilized her for now, and that they'll be taking her up for surgery in a bit for her wrist." Ray says and I can hear his voice catch in his throat. "The bastard shattered it. The doctor said that she will need intensive physiotherapy."

"What other injuries does she have?" Dad asks, and I dread hearing Ray's answer.

"A concussion, two broken ribs, broken nose, minimal vaginal tearing, and internal bleeding. They were also able to identify old bruises on her body. Some were weeks old."

I close my eyes and clench my fists, silently praying for the willpower to stop me from marching to Jose's room and finishing what Dad and Elliot started on him.

 _Weeks!_

 _That asshole has been beating her for weeks, if not months, and she took it all!_

 _What the fuck did he do to her? What the hell did he tell her?!_

 _Ana would've never put up with that. Not the Ana I know. Not the Ana I love._

 _I'm going to kill him with my bare hands._

My head snaps as I hear footsteps approaching, and I quickly walk away, not wanting Dad and Ray to know I was eavesdropping on them. My mind is spinning with what I heard, about what that bastard did to Ana, and before I do anything stupid, I pull out my phone and call Josh.

The phone rings for a couple of times before I hear Josh's groggy voice coming from the other end, and I silently curse for not checking the hour before calling.

"How can I help you at 2 a.m., Christian?" Josh asks, and even though I know I woke him up, there's still a hint of humor in his voice.

"I saw Ana." I blurt out, not knowing what else to say.

"I assumed she would be at the wedding. Kate _is_ her best friend, is she not?" Josh asks as I hear shuffling from his end of the line.

"Yes, but that's not why I'm calling." I say and take a deep breath. "Ana has been in an abusive relationship, and her boyfriend, who was with her at the wedding, beat her to a pulp after he saw her talking to me. I'm at the hospital now waiting to hear something from the doctors."

"Come again?" Josh asks, his voice now at full alert, and I tell him everything that's happened tonight.

I tell him how I was more nervous than Elliot was because I knew she would be there.

I tell him how Elliot had to force me to stay with him after Mom told us she had arrived.

I tell him how I felt weak in the knees when I saw her among the guests before the ceremony, and how shocked I was when I saw how different she looked.

I tell him how I tried to dance with her, and how my dad didn't allow me. I tell him that I wanted to hit my dad in the middle of the dance floor for doing that.

I tell him how I hugged my dad in front of everyone when he said that he has a plan for me to talk to Ana.

I tell him how I repeated everything I wanted to tell her in my head, and how I forgot every single word when I saw her swollen hand.

I tell him how different she was as she was talking to me in the bathroom, and how much hatred seeped from her words.

I tell him how she was not as hateful _that_ night as she was tonight.

I tell him how I went to get my mom and dad, and how the three of us literally ran back to the boathouse. I tell him how we found Ana on the floor, her face all bloodied up, and Jose kicking her.

I tell him how I managed to get in a couple of punches to Jose's face before Mom asked for my help with Ana, and how I wished I had been able to kill him.

I tell him everything that has happened on that bathroom floor, and everything that has happened since I arrived to the ER.

By the time I finish talking, I realize that I made it out to the hospital's back garden. Looking at my wrist watch, I find the time approaching 2:45 a.m., and I rest my head against the wall I'm leaning at and let out a loud sigh.

"None of this is your fault Christian." I hear Josh say, making me sigh again. "I'll be there in 20 minutes tops. Stay where you are. If you need to talk to someone until I get there, talk to Elliot or your dad. Stay away from Ana's father, because he's very emotional right now."

"I don't think he'll want to talk to me anyway." I say, and I'm actually surprised to realize that I'm a bit hurt over how he now thinks of me.

"Christian, I repeat, he's very emotional right now." Josh says with his own sigh. "Nevertheless, try to stay away from him, and no matter what happens, if you hear anything from the doctors until I get there, or if you just sit by yourself and think, no matter what, do not get anywhere near Jose's room. Do you hear me?"

"I've been trying really hard, Josh. Believe me."

"I know, but you need to help Ana, and you won't be able to do it from a prison cell." Josh says, and I hear him whispering something to his wife in the background. "I have to get going now, Christian. I'll be there in 20."

With that, Josh hangs up, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

As I sit back on the bench, Elliot and Josh's voice fill my head, telling me that it's not my fault, but for the life of me, I can't believe that. Deciding that I should just stop thinking about it for the time being, I pull out my phone and bring up the folder that holds all of Ana's pictures from when we were still together.

I can't help but smile as memories of that time flood my brain. I actually catch myself laughing softly at a few of the pictures of her fooling around in Escala or on the Grace, and before I even realize it, I feel silent tears falling down my face.

I gasp when I see a white handkerchief in front of my face, then I gasp louder when I see the person holding it for me.

The one person I honestly never thought I would see again.

Taylor.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, my eyes moving from the small white cloth to his stoic face and back.

"We were supposed to be here for the wedding, but our flight got delayed. We drove up to Bellevue as soon as we landed, and Gretchen told us what happened." Taylor says and offers me the handkerchief again, this time making me take it and wipe away my tears.

"What are you doing _here_?" I ask, and I notice him sigh before he moves to sit in the empty space beside me.

"Elliot told me everything." He says before he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "I still think you're an asshole for the way you treated Ana that night."

"I'm not going to even try and deny that." I say, earning a hint of a smile from him.

"However, I should've trusted my instincts when they told me that something was wrong with her. She suddenly stopped taking my calls, stopped responding to my texts and emails. When I was finally able to reach her, that fucking prick told me flat out that she doesn't want to talk to me; that she doesn't want any reminder of you in her life."

"He's convinced Ray to keep away as well." I say with a sigh of my own, making Taylor raise an eyebrow at me.

"Abuse 101."

"Dad said the same."

"You know that it's not your fault." Taylor says, making me silently shrug at him. "If it were your fault, it would also be mine, Kate's, Ray's. It would be on all of us for believing him and staying away."

"Maybe it is."

"He's the only one to blame here, Christian." Taylor says as he rubs his hands over his face.

"Dad said that as well."

"Your dad is a wise man." Taylor says with a nod. "It made me wonder for the longest time how an asshole like you could be his son, but I guess we have to thank Elena fucking Lincoln for that."

"I could kill that bitch with my bare hands." I say through grit teeth, the mere mention of her name making my blood boil with anger. "This is all her fucking fault. If she had just stayed the fuck out of mine and Ana's life, we would be married by now."

"The universe works in mysterious ways, Christian. You can't dwell over the what ifs and what could've been." Taylor says, then I notice him looking towards the door, and his back stiffens when he sees Josh approaching.

"At ease, soldier." I joke, making him look at me with a raised eyebrow. "That's Josh, my psychiatrist."

"What happened to Flynn?"

"He wasn't helping." I say and stand up to greet Josh, who, for the first time since I've met him, is wearing a pair of sweat pants and a Harvard hoodie.

"Elliot told me I'll find you here." Josh tells me before he turns to face Taylor. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No, not at all. This is Jason Taylor, my ex head of security. Taylor, this is Josh Williams, my friend and doctor."

"The famous Jason Taylor." Josh says as he shakes Taylor's hand. "I've heard so much about you, but I have to admit, I never thought I would actually meet you in person after what Christian told me had happened."

"Yeah, he was a royal prick." Taylor says as he nods his head at me.

"Hey!"

"Are you trying to deny it?"

"No, but I'm standing right here!"

"You don't pay my salary anymore. I get to call you whatever I want in your face." Taylor says with a shrug, making me shake my head at him and making Josh burst out laughing.

"How long are you staying in town?" I ask Taylor as Josh takes a seat on the bench.

"Until we make sure Ana is ok. I know Gail will refuse to leave until she knows Ana is back on track."

"That might take a while."

"We have all the time in the world." Taylor says before he takes a deep breath and lets it out in a sigh. "What happened to Ana might not be our fault, but she will need all of us to recover, and I'll be damned if I leave her alone again."

With that, Taylor turns around and walks away without saying another word, leaving Josh looking at him with both eyebrows reaching his hairline.

"What was that about?" He asks as I sit beside him.

"Apparently Jose had cut Ana off from everyone she knew, including Taylor and Gail. He just told me that when he was finally able to reach her, Jose told him that she doesn't want to talk to him; that she doesn't want any reminder of me in her life, and he believed him. He had a feeling that something was not right, but he stayed away regardless."

"He's right, you know?" Josh asks, making me look at him with questioning eyes. "None of this is _your_ fault, any of you."

"Everyone is saying that, yet, I can't bring myself to believe it."

"Fine. Now answer me this." Josh says before he pauses for a second, as if contemplating his next words. "When you finally realized the truth of what Elena did to you, did you think it was your fault because you never told anyone? Did you think it was your parents' fault for sending you to work for her? Did you think it was your family's fault for not seeing the signs or the bruises?"

"No." I finally say after a long silence, finally understanding what he's saying.

"The only person to blame in your case was Elena, just like Jose is the only one to blame here. I'm willing to bet that Jose did the same to Ana as Elena did to you. He alienated her and brainwashed her, just like Elena alienated and brainwashed you. You've spent years thinking that you were undeserving of love and incapable of giving love, but Ana managed to change that, yet you remained friends with Elena because you didn't see her for who she truly is. I don't know exactly what Jose did to Ana, and I don't know if I ever will, but I can assure you, he must've preyed on her weaknesses and used them to his advantage, making her believe whatever it is that he wanted her to believe, just like Elena made you believe that your family would never accept you if they knew the true nature of your life."

"But Ana is one of the strongest women I know." I say, seeing the logic in every word he spoke.

"You'd be surprised how many strong women end up being abused." Josh says with a shake of his head. "The most successful abusers are the ones who know their victims before their relationship begins. The ones who know the weaknesses and the details of their victims' lives. They know which buttons to push, which points to stress. You told me that Jose was Ana's friend in college, that means that he knew her before you came into the picture. You also told me that he had feelings for her, feelings she didn't return. This whole relationship could be his sick way of taking his revenge for Ana choosing you over him. It could be something else. I can't be certain unless I talk to either Ana or him, and I can promise you this, neither options are going to be easy."

"Why don't you think that talking to Ana is going to be easy?"

"How old were you when Elena first got her claws into you?" Josh asks instead of answering my question.

"15, you know that."

"And how old were you when you finally realized that she's a pedophile and that you were a victim?"

"29." I answer, my heart sinking as I begin to realize where he's going with this.

"And how many times did Flynn and Ana tell you that you were a victim before you actually believed that?"

"I lost count." I say, my voice coming out small to my own ears.

"It took you 14 years to open your eyes to the truth of what happened to you, Christian. Don't be surprised if Ana wasn't so willing to admit that she's a victim of abuse quickly. She might even ask to see Jose as soon as she wakes up, and she might get aggressive when she finds out that he's been arrested."

"Oh my God." I gasp, fully knowing that every word Josh has said is true.

"And don't be surprised if she refuses to press charges as well." He says, making me look at him with wide eyes.

"He could walk away?"

"If she does not press charges, yes, he might walk away without even a slap on the wrist."

"Fuck!"

"Regardless of what her reaction might be, there's one thing you need to keep in mind Christian." Josh says after a few long minutes of silence.

"What's that?" I ask as I try to stop my mind from wandering to very dark places; places where I torture Jose with my bare hands.

"If Ana decides that she doesn't want to see you or talk to you, you have to accept that and respect it. Your top priority now has to be Ana's safety, both physical and mental. If she decides that your presence in her life is going to add fuel to the already raging fire in her life, you have to step back and let her put the fire out on her own."

"You can't ask me to stay away, Josh, not after everything that's happened."

"That's exactly what I'm asking, but only IF Ana says that that's what she wants. She might find solace in your friendship, but she might also blame you for what happened. No matter what, you have to always remind yourself that none of this is your fault, and you have to respect her wishes, no matter what they are."

"Are you telling me that I might never have a chance with her again?" I ask, feeling my world shatter again at the possibility. "Are you telling me that I might have actually lost her for good?"

"You can't think about that now Christian." Josh says, his voice stern yet sympathetic. "You can't think about yourself. The only person you have to think about now is Ana and her recovery, both mental and physical. She's the only one that matters now, not you, not your wishes and your dreams of a happily ever after with her."

"What if she decides that she doesn't want anything that has to do with me?"

"Then you'll have to let her go and move on."

"No! I can't accept that!" I snap and jump to my feet. "I just got her back, Josh! You can't ask me to do that!"

"I'm asking you not to be selfish for once in your life, and maybe, just maybe, she'll be able to see that you still care about her! The poor woman has been abused for God know how long, do you think that forcing yourself back in her life is going to work in your favor?" Josh snaps back at me. "I wouldn't be surprised if she swears off men for the foreseeable future! And can you blame her? Her first boyfriend was a BDSM dominant who only offered her a contractual relationship before he finally admitted that he loves her, and then he goes on to believe that she cheated on him without even hearing her side of the story. Her second boyfriend is an abusive asshole who nearly killed her for simply being in the same proximity as her ex! Does that sound like someone who would be willing to trust men again easily?"

Josh's words crash over me like a ton of bricks, and I feel my knees go weak to the point that I have to sit down.

How could I be so selfish? How could I only think about myself when Ana has been to hell and back?

How could I even think about us getting back together when both Jose and myself have fucked up her view of men, probably forever.

"What should I do now?" I ask, my voice shaking.

"Just be there for her, for now. Show her that you care about her, that you worry about her. Give her the lead. Don't go deciding for her, let her make her own decisions. If you want to go home and change, do that, but make sure to be here when she wakes up. Put the ball in her court and allow her to make the shot."

"Why don't I just go ahead and leave her alone? I've only ever brought her pain and heartache."

"You've also given her love and happiness. You told me yourself that one of the things she didn't like about your relationship is that you used to make decisions for her; you can't do that again now." Josh says before he takes a breath and lets it out in a long sigh. "What if you leave and she decides that she needs you in her life, even if it were only as a friend? Are you saying you're only have her as your lover and nothing else?"

"I'll have her any way I can, as long as she's part of my life." I say without missing a beat, not even taking a second to think about it.

Simply because a life without Ana is no life at all.

"There's your answer." Josh says with a weak smile. "Now, I suggest you go back inside and see if there are any updates on her. If there aren't, I think you should go home, get some rest, and come back tomorrow morning. You won't be able to do anything for her if you're too tired to stand up."

"What if she wakes up tonight?"

"I don't think she'll be waking up for another two days, Christian." Josh says, his eyes dripping with sympathy. "The bastard did a good number on her. Let's hope there isn't any permanent damage."

"I'm going to kill him!" I say through grit teeth, already imagining all ways I could actually do that to him.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that." Josh says with a weak smile, making me shoot him a deadly look. "Now, is there anything else I can do for you tonight? If not, I'd like to go back to my wife."

"Tell Kelly that I owe her a bottle of Crown Royal." I say with a smile of my own, knowing what a great woman she is and how amazing she has been, even when I used to call Josh at all hours of the night.

"I have a feeling you'll owe her a barrel when all of this is over." Josh says as he gives me a quick slap on the shoulder before he walks away, leaving me alone once again.

Taking a deep breath, I look up at the red-rimmed sky, and I realize that with this new day, I have to make new changes.

Changes that will guarantee Ana's wellbeing.

Changes that will ensure her recovery.

Changes that will keep her as a part of my life, even if she chose to only have me as a friend.

I just hope that she eventually decides that she wants more.

Simply because she has always been my more.

My love.

My everything.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: It's been exactly 6 months to the day since I've updated this story, and it's not something I'm proud of. Those of you who know me know that my life has been quite a circus this past year, and I hate the fact that I've abandoned my stories. However, somehow, today I was able to pick this up. I just hope that my muse doesn't go into hiding again. If you're still reading this, thank you. Thank you for waiting for the update and thank you for remaining faithful to the story.**

 **Thank you!**

* * *

 **Chapter 4**

 **APOV**

I can hear soft murmurs around me, but for the life of me, I can't understand what is being said. I can't even tell who is there. My eyes won't seem to cooperate with me at the moment, and my body feels like I've been run over by a mac truck.

My brain is a jumbled mess, and I can't seem to be able to remember what happened. I feel a rough hand hold mine, but as I try to press on it in a silent attempt for communication, I feel pain shoot up my arm.

 _Jose!_

 _Kate's wedding!_

 _Christian!_

That jolt of pain brought back memories of what happened at the Greys' house, and I shudder thinking about what might have happened after I passed out.

I do a mental check over my body, and what I can tell is that my right hand is in a cast of some sort, and I feel pain all over my body, especially as I try to breathe.

After long minutes, I finally will my eyes to open, making a loud groan leave my lips at the bright light in front of me.

"Annie?"

 _It's dad!_

"Annie, sweetie? Can you hear me?" He asks again, and I only nod because my voice doesn't seem to cooperate with me.

"Are you in pain?" He asks, making me nod again and squint my eyes. "The light's bothering you, isn't it?"

Before I could respond to that, I see him reach out behind me to turn the lights down, allowing me to open my eyes fully.

He's looking down at me with a look of pure love on his face, mixed with a clear evidence of anguish and apprehension, as well as a hint of anger.

"Water." I manage to mumble out, making him reach out behind me. He then lifts up the back of the bed before he holds a cup and a straw in front of me and tells me to take small sips.

Even though I'm parched, I know I can't take more than a few sips because the water burns as it goes down my throat.

Once my eyes adjust to the dim lighting, I look around the room, and I can feel a frown on my face when I don't see Jose anywhere around.

"Jose?" I manage to ask, receiving a string of curses from my dad as he paces in front of my bed and tugs on his hair.

"That asshole better rot in jail. He'll be a dead man if I see him." He grits, making my frown deepen.

He doesn't understand.

He'll never understand.

"Where is he?" I ask again. "I want to see him."

"You'll never see him again, Annie, even if my life depends on it!" Dad says through grit teeth.

"You don't understand."

"Like hell, I don't!" Dad now snaps, making me turn my head away from him. "That bastard beat you to a pulp, you're lucky you haven't sustained any permanent damage. You almost died, Anastasia!"

"He was just upset!" I say, my voice coming still weak. "It's all my fault!"

"No, it isn't!" Dad says, his voice almost coming out as a yell. "It isn't your fault! None of this is your fault!"

"Please, Dad. I need to see him." I now beg. "Is he ok?"

"How can you even ask about him after everything he's done to you?"

"Daddy, please." I beg again, and I can't stop the tears from falling from my tired eyes. "Please tell me he's ok. I need to know that he's ok."

"He's only ok because I haven't gotten my hands on him yet." Dad spits out, and I feel my throat closing up in panic.

 _They can't do anything to him. This is all my fault._

 _I should've just stayed back in Rome. I wouldn't have caused this if I had. Kate would eventually understand._

 _Not that she would've cared if I didn't show up. She hasn't been much of a friend anyway._

"The police want to talk to you when you're up for it." Dad says after a long minute of silence, making my eyes grow wide.

"Why would they want to talk to me?" I say, my voice now coming out hoarse.

"So they can start processing the case against that son of a bitch." He says with a roll of his eyes. "They wouldn't allow me to press charges against him. They said since you're an adult, you have to do that."

I look at my dad in horror, not believing my ears.

 _What the hell does he mean by that? Jose didn't do anything! Why would I want to press charges?_

"I asked them to wait until the doctor says you're better enough to talk to them." Dad says with a sigh.

"Press charges? For what?" I ask, and the look of shock and anger my dad gives me makes me shudder.

I see my dad take a few deep breaths before he slowly approaches my bed. He takes a seat on the chair beside me, and he holds my hand before he gently rubs his thumb against it.

"Annie, I need you to listen to me, and listen to me well." He starts and takes another deep breath. "You have a concussion, two broken ribs, a broken nose, minimal vaginal tearing, and internal bleeding. If the Greys hadn't come to you when they did, I would probably be planning your funeral now."

I gasp at what he says, but I can't bring myself to say anything.

 _I made him do this! This is all my fault!_

"The doctor says that you have older bruises, some are weeks old. This tells me that the bastard has been doing this for some time." He says and shakes his head, as if to rid himself from the thoughts going through his mind. "I've been talking to Kate and Taylor…"

"Taylor?" I manage to ask, interrupting him.

 _How did he talk to Taylor?_

"He's here. He was invited to the wedding." Dad explains quickly. "I've talked to both of them, and they told me that they've tried to reach you many times in the past months. I've tried to talk to you so many times I've lost count."

I feel my eyes grow wide as I hear what he's saying, but somehow, I find a hard time believing him. I would know if they tried to reach me.

"That's not true." I say as I weakly shake my head. "I always have my phone with me. You all left me."

I can see my dad wince at my words, but right now, I don't care how he feels. I'm not going to sit here and have him lie to my face. I won't have him try to make me go against Jose.

"We've tried to call, text, even send out emails. The texts and emails were never answered. Jose talked to Kate more than once and always told her that you were busy or forgot your phone at home. Same goes for Taylor, except on the last time they talked, Jose told Taylor that you don't want to talk to him at all and that he and Gail should stop trying to contact you. I even talked to him a few times, and he would tell me the same thing he told Kate. Only difference, he couldn't keep you away from me completely."

"You're lying." I whisper as I feel the tears fall from my eyes.

 _Jose would never do that._

"I would never lie to you, Annie, and you know that. I've always been brutally honest with you even when I knew the truth hurts." He says, and I'm shocked to see silent tears falling from his eyes.

My dad is a military man. He NEVER cries.

"I believed him." He says, his voice breaking down a notch. "I trusted him and I believed him whenever he told me that you were ok."

"Daddy…" I begin, but I don't know what else to say. Next thing I know, my dad holds my hand for dear life as he breaks down in sobs, and I'm rendered speechless, not knowing what to do or say.

My head is spinning. It's spinning with what Dad just told me, and it's spinning as I think of Jose. Yes, I know that this is not the first time he's laid his hands on me, but he's never gone this far before. I do realize that it's my fault for talking to Christian, but I tried to avoid him as much as I could. I tried to explain that to Jose, that much I remember. He just wouldn't listen to me.

It takes my Dad a few minutes to calm down, and once he does, he just wipes his eyes and looks at me with eyes filled with determination and love.

"I'm going to go tell the doctor and everyone else that you've woken up. They've only left the hospital at night and came early in the morning, and the doctor needs to check you out."

"How long have I been here?" I ask, already dreading his answer.

"The wedding was almost a week ago, sweetie." Dad says, making me gasp in shock. "But it's ok, your body needed to recover. The doctor told us that you'd wake up when you were ready."

"Everyone?" I ask, not wanting to think about what he just told me.

"Yeah. The Greys, Kate, although technically now she's a Grey as well, as well as Taylor and Gail."

"All of the Greys?"

Dad gives me a weak smile and just nods at me before leaving the room, leaving me with my mouth gaping open.

 _Christian has been here every day?_

 _Why would he do that?_

I close my eyes as I try to shut my brain down from thinking over everything that Dad just told me. I'm just too tired for that, and I wish I can go back to sleep.

My wish goes unanswered as I hear the door open again, and this time, I see two doctors and a nurse walking in with warm smiles on their faces.

"Glad to see you're back with us, Ms. Steele." One of the doctor says, but he doesn't get any reaction from me. "I'm Doctor Daniel Morris, a neurologist, and this is Doctor Sandra Healy, a general physician and surgeon. How are you feeling?"

"Everything hurts." I whisper as I close my eyes again.

"That's understandable, considering what you've been through." I hear Dr. Healy say. "We're going to check you over now, then the orthopedic surgeon and OBGYN will come over. We didn't want to over crowd with all of us at the same time."

"Thank you." I say, although I'm not feeling very thankful at the moment. I just want something for the pain that would make me sleep.

"Could you open your eyes for me, please?" Dr. Morris asks, making me reluctantly oblige. He holds a light pen against my eyes, and I can't help but wince and look away. "I know this is uncomfortable, but I have to make sure that your brain is functioning properly after the concussion."

"It's ok." I lie, because it's not ok. It hurts too much to look into that light.

"What's the last thing you remember?" He asks, and I stay quiet. I don't know how to answer that.

 _Do I just tell him that the last thing I remember is pissing my boyfriend off?_

"Ms. Steele, I need you to answer my questions." He says firmly, and I suddenly feel like a scolded child. "I fully understand that you might want to keep the details of your accident private, but please remember that whatever you say here will not leave the room."

"I remember the wedding." I say vaguely, not adding any more details to my answer.

"Ok." Dr. Morris says without saying anything else. He checks me over for a few more minutes before Dr. Healy take over, and she does so quietly without asking any questions.

"Your bruises are fading well, but we will have to do some scans to make sure that the internal bleeding has fully stopped. We did one two days ago and there were small remains of it, and I just want to make sure it's all gone."

I silently nod at them, not having the energy to say anything more.

"We'll send in Dr. Charles and Dr. Hannigan now." Dr. Morris says as he holds my chart and writes a few notes on it. "Once they give us their updates, we'll give you something for the pain."

"Thank you." I say and close my eyes again. I can hear them as they leave the room, but I can sense someone is still there. I open my eyes and find the nurse whose name I don't know checking my IV.

"Close your eyes dear." She says and her voice drips with warmth and affection. "The doctors will be right with you."

"What's your name?" I find myself asking, receiving a warm smile from her.

"My name is Nurse Shawl." She smiles and pats my hand gently. "Just rest while the doctors get here. You'll need it with all the people waiting to see you."

I just nod and close my eyes again, but only for a few minutes because I hear the door open and two other doctors walk in.

"Good afternoon, Ms. Steele. I'm Dr. David Charles, your orthopedic surgeon, and this is Dr. Mary Hannigan, the OBGYN."

"Hi." I say, and I notice that my voice is becoming stronger.

"Dr. Charles will check your hand first, and then I'll take a look at you and see how things are going, ok?" Dr. Hannigan says with another warm smile, making me nod.

"We had to operate on your wrist, Ms. Steele. The bone was shattered to pieces and it wouldn't have repaired itself with a simple cast." Dr. Charles says as he lifts up my right arm, and for the first time since I opened my eyes, I actually take a look at it. "The surgery we did is called open reduction and internal fixation surgery, or ORIF for short. We used some metal pins and plates to put the bone back together."

I can't take my eyes off my swollen fingers, and I silently wonder if the damage is going to be permanent.

"The swelling is going down, which is a good sign. However, you will have to undergo some intensive physiotherapy to be able to use your hand properly again." He says, unknowingly answering my unspoken question. "We'll do a couple of scans later today to make sure everything is right on track."

I silently nod at him, not knowing what to say. My hands are my source of living. I'm an editor, I write and I type all the time. I'll be doomed if it can't be fixed.

"Don't worry, Ms. Steele." Dr. Hannigan says, making me look at her with what I'm sure are scared eyes. "Dr. Charles is the best in all of the US. He flew up here just to make sure that your hand gets back to normal in a few months."

Hearing this, my eyebrows reach my hair line.

 _He flew up here just for me? What the hell?_

"Dr. Trevelyan and I went to med school together." He says with a wink, but my heart still sinks at the cost of all of this. I don't have insurance here anymore, and I sure as hell don't have the money to pay for all of these medical expenses. "I'll let Dr. Hannigan do her job now, and I'll let Dr. Morris know how your wrist is doing."

My mind is still reeling with the idea of the bills that I will be getting when I get out of here, and I don't even acknowledge the doctor with as much as a nod as he walks out of the room.

"Ms. Stele, can you move a bit and lift up your gown?" Dr. Hannigan asks, making me look at her with questioning eyes. "I need to do an internal exam to check if the tearing is healing properly."

When she says that, my mind drifts back to that moment on the bathroom floor, and my eyes quickly fill with tears.

I suddenly remember how scared I felt at that moment, _terrified_ even. I had never seen Jose this upset before, and even with everything he had done, I had never imagined he would reach that level ever.

"May I call you Ana?" Dr. Hannigan asks sympathetically, and I only nod at her. "I won't tell you that I understand how you're feeling, because I've never been in your shoes before. I can, however, assure you, that whatever happened, is not your fault. I will need you to tell me what happened so I know what I'm dealing with. You've been unconscious since you were brought in last week, and no one saw your attack. We've done the needed tests, but I still need to hear your side of the story."

"He didn't rape me, if that's what you're asking." I say, my voice coming out in a whisper, making her nod.

"I didn't think he did. The vaginal tearing you have is not consistent with that of rape. I still need to know what happened."

"He wanted to check if I had sex with someone else." I whisper, somehow not able to hold myself back. Maybe it's the fact that she's a woman and I can talk to her with more ease than I would a male doctor, or maybe it's the compassion and sympathy I see in her eyes. Whatever it is, she gives me a vibe that allows me to open up. "He put his fingers inside me to see if I was wet, and he was wearing a ring."

"Was that the first time he's done something like this?"

"Yes."

"But it wasn't the first time he's hit you." She sates rather than asks, and I silently nod at her as silent tears fall from my eyes.

"It's going to be ok, Ana. I promise." She says as she pats my hand, just like everyone else seems to be doing today. "Now, can you lift up your gown for me or do would you like Nurse Shawl to help you?"

"I think I could use the help." I say as I try to move but find that my body isn't fully cooperating.

"It's normal after being unconscious for a week. Your muscles are out of use and it will take a couple of days for you to move normally again." Nurse Shawl says as she helps me lift up my gown.

I open up my legs as the doctor moves to the end of the bed on her chair. She puts on a pair of gloves before she starts her examination, and I wince as she inserts the speculum.

"I still can't believe that with all the advanced technology out there, no one has yet created a better device for this." Nurse Shawl jokes as she smooths my hair away from my eyes. "Makes you dread seeing your lady parts doctor, doesn't it?"

I can't help but chuckle at what she says, even though my tears are still falling. I know I'm not crying from the pain of the exam, however, I don't know if I'm crying because of what happened or because I'm starting to realize that Jose has really gone too far this time.

"Things look great down here." Dr. Hannigan says as she takes off her gloves and throws them in the trash after she finishes her exam. "The tearing was very minimal and we didn't have to do any reconstruction surgery to repair it. We've just been applying some medication on it, and things are good. I'll give you a prescription so you can continue the treatment for the next couple of weeks, and I would like to see you after that."

"Thank you." I say as Nurse Shawl helps me fix my gown. "What time is it?"

"It's a little after 1 p.m." Dr. Hannigan says as she looks at her wrist watch, and as soon as she says that, my stomach growls, making her and Nurse Shawl smile at me.

"I'll go let them know that you're ready for your lunch." Nurse Shawl says with a smile before she leaves the room, and I can't help but blush at the noises coming from my stomach.

"The police are waiting on word from us to let them know that you've woken up." Dr. Hannigan says as she jots down her notes on my chart. "Would you like me to tell them to come tomorrow?"

I know that the hospital is legally obligated to inform the police, and I know that I can't ask the doctor not to tell them. However, I'm glad she's not telling them to come today, because I also know that there's no running away from talking to them at all.

"Yes, please."

"Nurse Shawl will bring your lunch now, and once you finish that, she'll bring you something for the pain. Maybe you'll be able to get a few hours of sleep before your friends come to see you."

With that, the doctor leaves me alone, and I let out a deep sigh.

 _Everyone I know is here. Everyone who has abandoned me during the past year is here._

 _Why? Is it guilt over not having stayed in touch? Is it a sense of obligation?_

I can't bring myself to find an answer to those questions. They've left me alone when I was at my weakest. Then again, I _am_ at my weakest now, and they're all here.

I have talked to Dad during the past year, but not as much as I would have liked to. Whenever I mentioned it to Jose, he always said that Dad was away on a fishing trip with Jose Sr. or busy with his life and shop. However, Dad said that he didn't always get through to me, and that most times Jose would answer his calls.

How would that be possible? We didn't have a land-line. We only had our cell phones, and I always carried my phone with me. I don't recall ever leaving or forgetting my phone at home, because I always wanted to be able to receive Dad's calls.

Dad also said that Kate and Taylor were never able to reach me, not through phones, texts, or emails. Again, that's not possible because of the same reason.

 _I always carried my phone with me!_

I don't want to think about the possibility of my Dad lying to me, but then again, what other explanation is there? I always knew that if he ever found out about Jose and me that he wouldn't support it, especially if he ever found out about Jose's anger issues. Now that he has, he could be trying to break us apart by any means necessary.

I let out another sigh as I wipe away the tears that won't stop falling. This is just too much for me. It's overwhelming and suffocating.

A knock on my door breaks me away from my thoughts, and I weakly call out to whoever is on the other side to come in.

I was expecting to find my dad walking through the door, but I'm not really surprised to see Kate standing there.

"Hi." She says weakly, and I can't help but smile at her, and it's like my smile was all that she's been waiting for, because next thing I know, she has her arms wrapped around me as I feel her tears fall against my neck.

"I'm sorry." She mumbles between tears. "I'm so fucking sorry, Ana. I should have never listened to him!"

I can't stop the wince that leaves my lips as she presses against my bruised side, and she quickly pulls away, still apologizing.

"Stop. Please stop."

"I don't know what else to say." She says as she wipes away her tears.

"How about you tell me how you've been?" I ask with a small smile, simply because I don't want to talk about me at the moment. I need anything to distract me from what I'm going through.

"What?" Kate asks as she looks at me like I've grown another head.

"Kate, please." I beg, my voice coming out weaker than I wanted it to. "I don't want to think about it. Not now."

"Ok. What do you want to know?" She questions as she fills the seat beside my bed.

"Everything."

And for the next hour, she tells me just that.

Everything.

She tells me about her job, and how she's quit her dad's newspaper so she can spread her wings. She tells me about her engagement and about how Elliot proposed. She tells me about the crazy wedding planning with her mother and Mia, and how she almost eloped because of all the madness.

For that one hour, I felt like I had my best friend back. I felt like we were back in our dorm room catching up after a long weekend, and I felt my heart shatter at the year I've lost.

"Shouldn't you be away on your honeymoon?" I ask when Kate doesn't have anything else to tell me.

"I couldn't leave you." She says with a small shrug. "You're my best friend, Ana. I couldn't leave you."

"But you already left me." I say, making her tear up and shake her head.

"No, I didn't." She says and wipes away her tears. "I swear to God I didn't, Ana, and I'm going to do everything I can to prove that. We've all tried to stay in touch, but that asshole has gone to crazy lengths to keep you away from us."

"That's what everyone is saying, apparently."

"You don't believe us?"

"You haven't been there, he has."

Hearing that, Kate just stares at me open mouthed. For a good 2 minutes, she just stares at me without uttering a single word.

"He's got you brainwashed." She finally whispers under her breath, but loud enough for me to hear.

"You're not the first one to say that." I snort, yet deep inside, something makes me wonder if she's right.

 _Has he got me brainwashed?_

 _Am I one of those cliché women that I've read about all my life?_

I shake my head at the thought. I refuse to let my mind go down that rout. Jose may have anger issues, but he's not a liar.

"I'd like to rest now, please." I say as I rest back in my bed.

"Of course." Kate says after a few seconds of silence, and I can hear the hurt in her voice. "Do you want me to ask them to leave you alone for now?"

"Who's them?"

"Taylor, Gail, Grace, Elliot, Mia, Carrick." She says and pauses for a few second. "Christian."

"I don't want to talk to him." I strongly say, not sure why I feel that way at the moment. "And yes, please let everyone else know that I want to rest for now. I'll see them later."

"Sure."

With that, she leaves me alone, and once again, I let out a loud sigh.

When Kate was updating me on her life, we were interrupted for a few minutes as Nurse Shawl brought my lunch, which was disgusting chicken broth, and she installed a new IV with pain meds in it. She showed me how to administer the meds when I needed them, and since I was busy catching up with Kate, I chose to wait on the meds for the time being.

Now, I just press the button, push the bed back, and close my eyes, waiting for the meds to kick in and for my mind to quiet down.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I'd like to give out a loud HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all mothers, mothers to be, mothers who have lost children, mothers of fur-babies, and mothers who didn't give birth to their own children. You rock. You matter. You're doing a great job!**

* * *

 **Chapter 5**

 **APOV**

I open my eyes when I hear someone move around my hospital room, and I look at the digital clock by my bed, finding the time to be 8 in the morning.

"Good morning, Ms. Steele." I hear Nurse Shawl's soft voice, and I can't help but weakly smile as I turn to look at her and see her smiling warmly at me. "How are you feeling today? Did you sleep well last night?"

"Yes, the meds knocked me out." I say as I try to sit up, and she moves to help me as she brings the back of the bed up.

"Good morning, Annie." I hear, and I turn to find my dad standing by the window looking outside. "How are you feeling?"

"Morning, Dad." I say with a sigh. "I'm ok, I guess. I just have a bit of a headache."

"It's normal after suffering from a concussion." Nurse Shawl says as she checks my vitals. "I'll have them bring you something with your breakfast, but if the headache continues or becomes unbearable, please let me know."

"I will." I say with a small nod. The room is then engulfed with silence, none of us saying a word as the nurse continues checking over me and writing notes on the chart. Once she finishes, she informs me that breakfast will be there in a few minutes, and then leaves me alone with Dad.

"You talk in your sleep." Dad suddenly says after a long moment of awkward silence. "You never did when you were younger."

"I didn't know I do that." I say, a bit confused as to why he would bring that up now. "I didn't know you stayed here last night."

"You were already asleep when I came in. I didn't want to disturb you, but I wasn't going to leave you alone either."

"What did I say?"

"You were begging him to stop." Dad says with total honesty, but he still doesn't turn around to look at me.

"It must've been the meds. I'm sure they caused me to hallucinate." I say after a few seconds of silence, but as soon as the words leave my mouth, Dad turns to look at me with so much anger and hate in his eyes that I actually recoil in my bed.

"Fuck that shit, Anastasia!" Dad practically yells, making my eyes grow wide. "You were begging him to stop! You were telling him that it hurts and begging him to stop! How long has this been going on? How long has he been beating you around?"

"He hasn't…"

"Don't you fucking finish that sentence, young lady!" Dad interrupts, not allowing me to even defend him. "How long has it been going on?"

"I don't want to talk about this." I say, my voice coming out weak even to my own ears.

"You don't have a choice, cause right now, you will answer all my questions, or I swear to God…"

"I said I don't want to talk about this!" I know yell as tears begin to sting my eyes. "You don't have the right to ask me anything, none of you do! You all abandoned me! You left me alone!"

"We didn't! How many times do I have to repeat it before you actually believe me? That fucking bastard must've done something so you wouldn't get our calls or texts or emails! You were at vulnerable stage in your life and he took advantage of it!"

"I don't care how many times you say it! Until you give me proof that he did that, I'm going to believe him. He loves me. He loved me when no one else did! He loved me when I didn't even love myself! So, you can all go fuck yourself and leave us the fuck alone!"

My dad just stares at me, his eyes a mixture of shock and sadness, but right now, I really couldn't give a damn about how he felt. He didn't give a damn about how I felt when I had no one but Jose. He didn't give a damn about how I felt when he barely called. He simply didn't give a damn.

None of them did, and I owe them jack shit.

I see Dad take a deep breath before he rubs his hands over his face in frustration. He opens his mouth to say something, but he decides against it. He then walks back to the window and stares out of it for a few minutes before he speaks up again.

"When your mother married Morton, I hated her for taking you from me. I hated her with all my heart, even more than I hated her for cheating on me with that scumbag. I knew he was up to no good, but your mother just wouldn't listen to me. And then you called me _that_ night, and as I drove down to get you, I pictured all the different ways I could kill him. I imagined every possibility of how I would make him suffer, but then I saw you. I saw how weak and scared you were, and I swore that I would do anything and everything I could to protect you, and I couldn't protect you from jail. That's why I never laid a finger on him, because you needed me. You needed me with you more than you needed me to kill him. God knows I wanted to, I still do to this day, but he's out there somewhere because I chose to protect you." Dad says before he pauses to take another deep breath. "When Kate called me last week, I felt like I was thrown back to that night, and I knew I had failed you. I had failed to protect you, because Jose is not better than Morton. The only difference now is that you won't admit that Jose has abused you. You know what Morton was doing was wrong the minute he laid his hands on you the first time, and you only kept quiet because he threatened to kill your mother if you ever said anything."

"Don't compare Jose to Morton." I say through grit teeth, saying _his_ name out loud for the first time in years. "He's nothing like him."

"He's exactly like him." Dad says calmly. "Jose may not have threatened you, but he must've said or done something to have you accept each punch willingly. Carrick told me how terrified you were at the wedding when Christian wanted to dance with you; he saw it in your eyes. You knew this would happen if he saw you talk to Christian. You were only 15, yet you knew that was Morton did was abuse. I can't understand how you're not seeing it now. The doctor discovered bruises on your body that were weeks old, so I know this wasn't the first time Jose has done this, and there's no point in you trying to deny it."

"Stop…" I say, my voice breaking and my mind going a million miles a minute.

 _He can't be right. He just can't be._

"I've talked to Carrick, and he gave me three options on how to handle this. First one is for you to come to your senses and press charges against the bastard, but somehow, I don't think you'll be doing this. You've always been stubborn and you wouldn't see what's right in front of you even if it slapped you in the face. Second option is for me to have you declared mentally unstable due to trauma and PTSD and take charge as your father and next of kin." Dad says, earning a loud gasp from me. "But I would never do that to you no matter what happens. Third option is, and this is the one we decided on, is for Carrick to press charges as the prosecutor, even if you weren't willing. The evidence the doctors and police gathered is enough to take him to court, but you will be subpoenaed to testify, and if you refuse, you could go to jail as well."

"You can't do this!" I gasp again, the tears now falling freely from my eyes.

"I can, and I will." Dad says with a sigh. "I swore to protect you the day your father died and you were only a few days old. I failed you with Morton, and I failed you again with Jose. I will not fail you a third time, Anastasia, even if my life depended on it."

"I love him!"

"I don't care if you worship his ass, he's going to jail for what he's done to you!"

"You can't do this!" I now yell and I feel like I'm being suffocated.

"A psychologist will come and see you today, and you will talk to him. I don't care if you talk about the weather or your job or fucking unicorns, but you will talk to him." Dad says and takes another deep breath. "I will contact your job in Rome and inform them that you will not be coming back. Once you're discharged, you'll move back in with me. I've asked Elliot to find me a suitable apartment here in Seattle, because we both know you can't find a decent job in Montesano. I'll be closing down the shop for the time being, and once I'm sure that you're back to the old Anastasia I know, I'll move back there and you can go on with your life."

"You can't treat me like a child!"

"I will treat you like a fucking child when you're acting like one!" Dad now screams, making me flinch. "You've been more of an adult while you were growing up, Anastasia, so pull you head out of your fucking ass and start acting like one now!"

I wipe away my tears forcefully from my face, but I don't say anything else, simply because I don't know what else to say. At this point, I'm more pissed at my Dad than I am hurt by what he's doing. I'm pissed at him for thinking he has the right to take charge of my life like this.

"Two detectives will be coming by in a bit." Dad says after a long silence, making me glare at him angrily. "Carrick will be with you when you talk to them. They have some questions they need to ask you, and you better answer them. Like I said, the evidence they've gathered is enough to take Jose to court, but you will make your own life easier if you just give them what they need."

"I don't have a choice, do I?"

"You do have a choice. You can choose to woman up and realize what you've been going through for God knows how long, or you can choose to act like a hormonal bull-headed teenager and make life difficult on everyone involved."

"I'd like to be alone for now, if that is still possible." I say after a long silence. "Or am I too childish to be left alone?"

"Very mature, Anastasia." Dad says as he walks to the door. "One las thing." He says before he walks out. "Everyone who's been waiting to see you? You will show them the respect they deserve and allow them here. They've spent every waking hour in this hospital waiting for you to wake up."

With that, he walks out of the room, never allowing me a chance to say anything in response to that.

I throw my head back on my pillow before I let out a frustrated groan. How does he think he has the right to do any of this? Yes, he's my dad, but I'm fucking 25 years old! I'm a grown up who can make her own decisions, and I've decided that I won't press charges against Jose.

I've come to that decision yesterday as I was getting all the scans done. No one can ever understand the kind of relationship Jose and I have, not even if they wanted to. Yes, I know he has anger issues, but he loves me, and he cares about me. They would never see that, but I do. I see the way he looks at me and the way he treats me on his good days, which are far more than the bad ones.

A soft knock on the door breaks me away from my thoughts, and I don't even have the chance to say anything before the door opens and a nurse walks in with my breakfast. He places is on the overbed table, tells me that there are two pills for the headache under the tray cover, then leaves without saying another word.

Deep down, I know I should eat something before I take the pills, but I know that after the conversation I just had with dad, my stomach won't be able to handle anything. I reach for the tray with my good hand, take the pills and down them with the small glass of juice that came with breakfast.

I just hope they'll help because I feel like my head is going to explode.

Before I can allow my mind to go off again, I hear another knock. This time, whoever is on the other side doesn't just walk right in, but rather waits for me to tell them to come in before the door slides open.

My first reaction is shock, then it switches to anger when I see Christian standing timidly by the door. I want to yell at him, and hit him, and swear at him, but instead, I go for a very simple question…

"What are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?" he asks as he shoves his hands in his pants' pockets.

"You didn't answer my questions."

"I wanted to see how you're doing."

"I'm fine. You can go now." I say, and I see a look of hurt flash over his eyes, but it's gone so quickly that I question myself if it was really there.

"I need to talk to you, Ana." Christian says with a sigh, his eyes silently pleading with me. "I need to tell you a few things, and if you still don't want to ever see me or hear from me again afterwards, I'll walk out of this room and your wish will be my command. Just hear me out."

I look at him for a long minute, and for the first time since that night, I can feel something different about him. Something has changed in him, but I can't put my finger on it, and I'm not quite sure if I even want to know what that is.

However, I simply nod at him, making him give another sigh before he walks in and closes the door behind him.

"Have a seat." I say after he stands awkwardly in front of my bed for a few seconds. I see him hesitate, but he eventually fills the seat that's further away from me.

"First of all, I just want to say that I'm glad you're ok now. We were really worried about you."

"So I've heard." I say as I look straight at him, not wanting him to think that he has any effect on me anymore.

"Second of all, I want to apologize." He says, ignoring my snide comment.

"For what?"

"Everything." He says, making me raise an eyebrow at him. "But the most important thing I want to apologize for is not believing you when you tried to tell me that Elena had abused me. You saw right through her from the first time I told you about her, yet I never believed you, and I'm sorry for that. Maybe if I have, we wouldn't be here today."

"She had her claws deep in you." I say and turn to look through the window, trying to ignore the anger boiling up in me at the mention of her name.

If there's one person in this world that I hate more than anything, that would be Elena fucking Lincoln.

"That she did, but I should've listened to you."

"Yes, you should have, but that doesn't matter anymore, because you have finally realized what she is and what she has done to you."

"Yes, I have." He says and rests his elbows on his knees. "The only thing I regret is that it I only realized that after we broke up. We might still be together if I had opened my eyes earlier."

"It is what it is." I say with a shrug.

"I also wanted to give you this." He says as he reaches for his wallet. I see him pull out a card before he stands up and places it on the overbed table. "That's the card for my new therapist. He's an amazing guy, and he'll help you out if you decide that you want to talk to someone."

"I'm not going to talk to Flynn." I say, my voice full with indignation. "He never really helped you!"

"I haven't talked to Flynn in over a year." He says, and I'm actually surprised by this. "I'm seeing a new guy, and he's really helped me out."

"Is that all you wanted to tell me?" I ask after a few seconds of awkward silence.

"No, it's not, but the rest can wait for another time." He says and stands up.

"What makes you think I will want to see you again?"

"If you don't, just say the word, and I'll forever disappear from your life." He says, and I can actually hear his voice break as he says the words. "Just know this, Anastasia. I will always be here for you, even if it were just as friends. You mean the world to me, and I'd rather have you in my life as a friend instead of not having you in my life at all."

Before I can even respond to that, I see him walk towards me, and he quickly places a soft kiss on the crown of my head.

I'm left speechless by his small gesture, not sure how to react. I see him walk to the door, then he turns to me with sad yet pleading eyes.

"Can I ask you for one last favor before I leave?" He asks, making me only nod at him. "I want you to think about everything I have ever told you about Elena, and how I always defended her. Think about what you thought whenever that happened." He says before he pauses for a couple of seconds. "Then I want you to think about Jose and what he has done to you, and how you are defending him."

With that, he leaves, and I'm left speechless at what he just said. My mind quickly remembers how I always thought he was crazy for not seeing what Elena has done to him, and how evil yet smart she was for being able to do that to him. To have him so embedded in her web of deceit that he was never able to fully grasp that he was a victim at her hands.

Then it hits me.

It hits me like a ton of bricks.

I feel the air leave my chest as panic sets in.

 _No. It can't be the same._

I feel as if the walls are closing in on me, and I grab my throat in a futile attempt to help myself breather better.

 _No!_

My head snaps up as I hear the door open yet again, and I can see Carrick walk in with a man and a woman, but I can't bring myself to say anything. I just look at them in panic, my eyes wide and full with fear.

I see Carrick's mouth moving, but for the life of me, I can't hear a word that he says. I just shake my head at him, trying to wordlessly ask for help.

 _No! This can't be true!_

My vision starts to blur, and I feel my eyes roll to the back of my head. The last thing I see before everything goes black is Carrick running out of the room.

* * *

I open my eyes to see Nurse Shawl and a doctor I don't know standing over my bed, both checking my vitals and talking quietly to each other.

"What happened?" I ask, my voice coming out hoarse.

"You fainted." The doctor says with a sympathetic smile. "It seems like you had a panic attack."

My mind quickly drifts back to the conversation I had with Christian, and I feel my heart begin to race again.

"You need to calm down, Ms. Steele, or you'll drive yourself into panic again." Nurse Shawl says, that warm smile ever evident on her face. "Try to think of something that relaxes you, or a place that calms you down."

As if on command, my mind takes me to Christian's boat, _The Grace_ ; the only place where I've only ever felt really calm and relaxed in my life. I feel my heart beat slow down and my breathing going back to normal, and within minutes, I feel a little bit better.

"There you go." Nurse Shawl says. "That's better."

"Want to tell us what happened?" The doctor asks, and I only shake my head in silence. "Well, the police were here to see you, but I'll ask them to come back at another time."

"No!" I quickly say as I move to sit up. "I need to talk to them."

That earns me wide eyes from Nurse Shawl, before the shock disappears and changes into a beaming smile. She had heard me trying to avoid talking to the police yesterday when I was talking to dad, so I can understand her shock at my change of heart.

"Are you sure you're up for it now?"

"Yes. Please, ask them to come in."

"Of course." Nurse Shawl says before she goes out to the hall. Less than a minute later, she comes back with Carrick and the man and woman who were with him earlier.

Carrick looks at me worriedly but doesn't say a word. Instead, he just looks at the doctor, silently asking him if I was ok.

"Ms. Steele seems to have had a panic attack. She's refusing to tell us what triggered it, so I have to ask you to take it easy with her." The doctor tells the two detectives firmly. "If at any minute you feel like she's going to panic again, just let us know."

"We will." Carrick says the detectives nod, making him nod in return and leave the room, closely followed by Nurse Shawl.

"Before we start, can I have a second to go and let Ray and Christian know that you're Ana is ok?" Carrick asks the detectives, and they nod again.

I guess they're not people of many words.

"Mr. Grey." I call out before he reaches the door, making him turn to look at me. "Could you tell Christian I say thank you?"

Carrick just looks at me in confusion bust simply nods. He comes back less than a minute later, and the room is immediately filled with palpable tension.

"Anastasia, this is Dt. Smith and this is Dt. Cassidy." Carrick says as he first introduces the woman then the man before they take seats on the couch and chair in the room. "They would like to talk to you about what happened."

"Ok." I say, my voice coming out weak, not sure how I will be able to handle this.

"Before we begin." Dt. Cassidy starts. "Do you confirm that Mr. Carrick Grey is here in the capacity of your attorney?"

"Yes, I do." I say, looking at Carrick with a weak smile, and earning an encouraging one in return.

"Ok. Can you tell us what happened on the night of July 7th?" Dt. Smith asks as both she and Dt. Cassidy pull out small notebooks and pens from their pockets.

I look at Carrick, and he just nods at me, silently telling me to go ahead. I take a deep breath before I close my eyes, and when I open them, I start explaining everything that happened on the day of the wedding, from the moment we left the hotel. The last thing I clearly remember from that night was someone pulling Jose away as he was kicking me, and Grace asking Christian for help.

"How long have you and Mr. Rodriguez been dating?" Dt. Cassidy asks, not taking his eyes from his small notebook.

"About 6 months."

"Was that the first time he hit you?" Dt. Smith asks, and I see Carrick lean forward in his seat.

"No, it wasn't." I say and take yet another deep breath. "First time he slapped me was about 2 months after we started dating."

"How many times has that happened since?"

I look at Carrick, perhaps silently seeking confidence in a somewhat familiar face.

"I lost count." I say, making Carrick close his eyes.

"How sever were the assaults?" Dt. Cassidy now asks, as Dt. Smith just looks at me sympathetically.

"Never this bad, but I've had to go to the hospital a few times. Once was for a broken nose, once for a fractured rib, and another couple of times for sever bruises."

"Where was that?"

"Rome."

"As in Italy?" Dt. Smith asks with a hint of surprise to his tone.

"Yes."

"How did you meet Mr. Rodriguez?"

"We went to college together and we became close friends. He asked me out once, but I turned him down because I wanted to focus on my studies." I say with a small sigh. "I left to Rome last year after a particularly bad breakup, and I ran into him there 3 weeks after I moved. He said that he got my address from our other friend Kate, and that he didn't want me to be alone after my breakup."

"How long after did you start dating?"

"5 months, I think." I say and notice how they both haven't stopped taking notes. I also notice them going back to old pages and reading over notes off them.

"Have you ever heard the name Natalie Sanisti?" Dt. Cassidy asks, and I notice a look of shock pass over Carrick's face.

One that I'm sure mirrors mine.

"Um, I think she was Jose's girlfriend a couple of years ago." I say as I try to remember when he mentioned her to me.

It was when he moved to Chicago for a few months to try to find a job there. I remember him calling me once and telling me about her, that he has met the love of his life. We then began to drift apart for a bit, but he called me when he moved back to Seattle. When I asked him about Natalie, he just said that things didn't work out.

"Has he mentioned her while you were dating?"

"No. He refused to mention her name at all. I once asked him about her and he got really upset, I just assumed that things between them didn't end on good terms." I say as my mind goes back to that day. We hadn't started dating yet at the time, but I do remember having to try hard to get him to calm down after asking about her. "I just didn't ask again because I didn't want to upset him."

The two detectives look at each other, silently exchanging a conversation before looking back at me.

"Ms. Steele, we're going to be completely honest with you here." Dt. Smith says as she puts her small notebook away. "Ms. Sanisti has been missing for almost 18 months. Last person to have seen her was Mr. Rodriguez. The police questioned him at the time, but he claimed that they had broken up the night before her disappearance, and that he hasn't heard from her. Her parents said that they saw some bruises on her a few times, but she always had an excuse on how she got them."

"Are you saying…"

"We're not saying anything." Dt. Cassidy interrupts me from finishing my sentence as he keeps looking at his note book. "We wanted to know if he mentioned her to you during your relationship or not."

"No, he hasn't." I say, trying to stop my mind from going on overdrive.

"We just have one last question for you before we head out." Dt. Cassidy says before he looks at me, and the look in his eyes tells me that I won't like what I'm about to hear.

"Of course." I say with a gulp.

"Do you know a Mrs. Elena Lincoln?"


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Holy fucking shit! I can't thank you guys enough for the amazing reviews I've received for the last chapter. You've made me so happy, and you've made my muse even happier, and we all know that when she's happy, you guys are! Thank you!**

 **Also, please note that I don't have a beta, and I write at night after my munchkin goes to bed. Therefore, if there are any mistakes, they are mine and mine alone, and they are caused by sleep deprivation.**

 **Chapter 6**

 **APOV**

I stare blankly at the two detectives for what feels like hours, then I look at Carrick, who has a look of utter shock on his face.

"Excuse me?" I finally manage to ask. "What does that bitch have to do with all of this?"

"So, you do know her." Dt. Cassidy states rather than asks, and I look at Carrick again. I can visibly see the change on his face as he switches back to the amazing lawyer he is, and somehow, I know that I shouldn't say anything else.

"Ms. Steele neither confirmed nor denied knowing Mrs. Lincoln." Carrick says, his face stoic and serious. "Unless you give us an explanation as to why Mrs. Lincoln is relevant to Ms. Steele's situation, I will have to ask you to leave as I believe you got all the answers you need."

"When Mrs. Lincoln was arrested, the police looked into all her associates. It appears that Mr. Rodriguez has met with Mrs. Lincoln a few times before her arrest, and he visited her in jail more than once before he relocated to Italy."

I feel the wind get knocked out of my chest as I hear that, and the ability to breathe suddenly becomes a hard feat.

What the hell does this mean? Was he in on what Elena did to Christian and I? Was Elena in on what Jose has been doing to me for the past months?

 _What the fuck does this mean?!_

"Ms. Steele, I need you to calm down and explain to us how you know Mrs. Lincoln." I hear Dt. Smith say, but her voice sounds a bit distant.

I look at Carrick with panic in my eyes, and he quickly jumps to his feet.

"Ana, look at me." Carrick's voice sounds distant as well, but I feel him grab my head and force me to look at him. "Anastasia, breathe. Please, sweetheart, breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth."

I do as he instructs, and it takes me a few long seconds before I feel myself begin to relax a bit.

"What does this mean, Carrick?" I ask, the tears evident in my voice. "Did he know all along?"

"We don't know what this means. We won't know anything unless we talk to him and Elena."

"I'm going to have to ask you to explain what you are talking about." I hear Dt. Cassidy say, and my eyes grow wide again.

I know that Christian was the one who basically put Elena behind bars, but I don't know if it's a matter of public knowledge that he was one of her victims.

"I need to get Christian in here, Ana. Is that ok?" Carrick asks, ignoring the two detectives who are now standing and looking at us with a mixture of confusion and apprehension.

"Why?"

"I can't disclose anything without his approval."

That answers my question about whether anyone knows if he was one of Elena's victims. I silently nod at Carrick, but my heart sinks as I know how private Christian is and how much he values that privacy.

"I need to bring my son in here." Carrick says as he stands up from where he was sitting on the edge of my bed. "Should he choose to, he will be able to answer some of your questions. However, please remember that if he chooses against it, you can't force him to say anything."

The two detectives give curt nods as a scowl decorates their features. It's obvious they don't like what they just heard, but we all know they really can't do anything when Christian decides to keep quiet.

I want to tell Carrick not to bother, because I know that Christian is not going to approve to any of this, but before I can even say a word, he walks out of the room, leaving me with the two detectives.

"Ms. Steele…" Dt. Smith begins, making me look at her with questioning eyes. "I apologize for having caused you another panic attack, but you have to understand that we need all the information we can get if you want him to be put behind bars."

Again, I don't know what to say, so I quietly nod at them. It takes Carrick a little over 10 minutes before he comes back with Christian, who has a stoic look on his face, one I can easily identify as that of CEO Christian.

"Detectives, this is my son, Christian Grey."

"Mr. Grey." They both say, greeting Christian with a polite nod.

"Son, as I quickly explained to you outside, these two detectives say that there's a link between Jose and Elena, and they wanted to know how Ana knew her."

Christian doesn't say anything, but he just looks at me for the longest time. I see a wild array of emotions flash through his eyes, and for the life of me, I can't identify where one begins and the other ends.

"I was one of Elena's victims." Christian begins, and a loud gasp leaves my mouth, making him give me a weak smile before he turns to face the two detectives.

"I see." Dt. Cassidy says before he starts writing down notes again. "How is that relevant to Ms. Steele and Mr. Rodriguez?"

"Until last year, I never allowed myself to admit that I was a victim of molestation. I had stayed friends with Elena, even went into business with her. She had a crazy fixation with me, borderline obsessive, but I never really saw that, until I fell in love with Anastasia." Christian explains before he takes a deep breath. "On more than one occasion, Elena tried to convince me that Anastasia was not good for me, and that she was after my money. I always shut her down, until one day, she actually managed to break us apart."

"How did was she able to achieve that?"

"She sent me fabricated pictures of someone who closely resembled Ana in different forms of intimacy with another man." Christian says as he closes his eyes, and I can only imagine that his mind is taking him back to that day.

I look at him, and I can't really identify any of the emotions I'm feeling at the moment. On the one hand, part of me, a huge part, wants to start swearing up a storm as I remember that day as well. I haven't allowed myself to think about it in long months but speaking about it now doesn't allow me to shut away the memories. One the other hand, a very small part of me wants to reach out for Christian's hand, because no matter what, I know that him admitting this to total strangers can't be easy for him.

That part quickly disappears with Christian's next words, as he clearly reminds me of what happened that night.

"The woman in the pictures had a tattoo matching Ana's, and that was all I needed to believe what I was seeing. I humiliated her that night and kicked her out."

"How do you know that Mrs. Lincoln sent you those pictures, and how did you figure out that Ms. Steele wasn't really the woman in them?"

"For the entire week after Ana left, I didn't leave my house. Then my mother showed up at my doorstep, and she mentioned that Elena told her about Ana cheating on me. For that entire week, I didn't speak to a single soul. I contacted the people at my company via email. I didn't have any personal interaction with anyone."

"Did it occur to you that Ms. Steele might have spoken to Mrs. Lincoln about it, or even to someone else who might've told Mrs. Lincoln?" Dt. Cassidy asks, and I can't help but hiss.

"I wouldn't talk to that woman even if my life depended on it." I say through grit teeth. "I hated her even before I ever met her, because I knew what she had done to him even when he refused to see it."

"That doesn't mean that you didn't talk to anyone else who might've delivered the news to Mrs. Lincoln." Dt. Cassidy states, and I realize that I'm really starting to get annoyed with him.

Dt. Smith seems more like a person, when he's simply acting like an emotionless robot.

"I never mentioned any of what happened to the people I spoke to after that night." I say as I shoot daggers at Dt. Cassidy with my eyes. "I quit my job the following day because I worked at Grey Publishing, a subsidiary of Grey Enterprise Holdings. With the help of a friend, I left town to clear my head. I stayed away for about three weeks, during which I only spoke to three people. My dad, Kate, and…"

My voice falters as I realize who else I've spoken to during that time.

 _Jose._

"And?" Dt. Smith asks, probing me to finish my sentence.

"Jose."

Christian closes his eyes as he hears that, and by the way he's clenching his fists, I can tell that he's tethering on the edge of blowing up.

"What explanation did you offer them about your absence?"

"I simply told them that Christian and I had broken up, and that I need the time to myself."

"I'm assuming this is the bad breakup you mentioned earlier that had you moving to Italy." Dt. Smith says, and I only nod at her.

"This explains how Ms. Steele would know Mrs. Lincoln, but it doesn't explain the link between Mrs. Lincoln and Mr. Rodriguez." Dt. Cassidy says as he quickly goes over his notes.

"I believe that Mr. Rodriguez was as obsessed with Anastasia just as Elena was obsessed with me." Christian says, making the two detectives look at him with questioning eyes, silently asking him to explain further. "They way he looked at her when he thought no one was watching. It was the same way I looked at her, and I was her boyfriend. His hostility towards me when we first met showed signs of jealousy that I had Ana and he didn't, and when he attempted to be friendly towards me, you could tell that it was just that, an attempt."

"On one of his bad days, he said that he was angry that Christian got to have me first." I say vaguely, not wanting to go into details of that night.

The night I ended up with my first broken nose and rib.

"Who knew about your connection to Mrs. Lincoln?" Dt. Smith now asks Christian.

"Elena was a friend of my parents. However, the only person who actually knew the details of my past relationship with Elena was Ana, and I know for a fact that she never told a soul about it." Christian says, making the two detectives look at me for confirmation.

"He trusted me with that secret as his girlfriend." I say and I look straight at Christian. "I was never going to break that trust, no matter how hard I wanted to."

I can see Christian slightly flinch at my words, having understood my hidden dig at him.

 _I would have never broken your trust, yet you chose to believe the bitch troll over me._

"All of this doesn't explain the connection between Mr. Rodriguez and Mrs. Lincoln." Dt. Smith says with a sigh, obviously frustrated.

"Elena is a cunning and manipulative woman. I wouldn't be surprised if she saw what everyone else saw in Jose, and she reached out to him." Christian says after a moment of silence.

"You mean his claimed obsession with Ms. Steele." Dt. Cassidy states, earning a nod from Christian. Again, I can tell by the way he's clenching his fists that he's trying really hard not to explode in the detectives' faces.

"If the two of them made that ploy to break them apart, Christian would be free from Ana like Elena wanted, and Ana would be free from Christian and Jose can sweep in and nurse her broken heart." Carrick says, and for the third time in as many hours, I feel the wind leave my lungs in a huff, and it actually makes me feel ashamed for not having seen the possibility before.

 _How could I have been so stupid?_

"As complicated as all of this is, it's not what we are looking for." Dt. Cassidy says, making all three of us look at him with wide eyes. "When Mr. Rodriguez was brought into custody last week, the two flags that were raised were his connection to Ms. Sanisti and his connection to Mrs. Lincoln. There is still no evidence that links him to the disappearance of Ms. Sanisti, and nothing of what you just told us shows any criminal link to Mrs. Lincoln charges of pedophilia and molestation."

"What are you exactly saying, detective?" Carrick now asks, and by his nervous posture, I can imagine that this is not good.

"The only reason we've been able to keep Mr. Rodriguez in custody for this past week was because Ms. Steele was unconscious. We were hoping that she could provide us with any information about his relation to Ms. Sanisti or Mrs. Lincoln, but unfortunately, that didn't happen." Dt. Smith says as she looks at me with sympathetic eyes. "If you decide to press charges against him for putting you here, he will have to attend a hearing tomorrow where he'll most likely be let out on bail before he goes to trial."

I just stare blankly at Dt. Smith as she basically tells me that Jose will be a free man tomorrow. If she had told me that earlier today, before my talk with Christian, I would be cheering up a storm, happy that he's out.

Now?

Now, all I feel is utter panic and fear.

It's crazy what one small conversation does to open your eyes, isn't it?

"He'll never come near you again, Ana." I hear Christian say, and I'm actually surprised to see him sitting on the edge of my bed.

 _When the hell did he come here?_

"You can't guarantee that." I say, my voice shaking and barely coming out in a whisper.

"I can and I will." He says before he reaches to hold my hand, but something inside me tells me to move my hand away from his reach, and I do that, making his hands fall on top of my legs in a silent thud.

I don't miss the look of hurt that flashes over his face, but it disappears as quickly as it appeared.

"Do you want to press charges, Ms. Steele?" Dt. Cassidy asks, making me look at him with scared eyes.

This morning, I didn't want to press charges because I was blind to what he had done to me. I was blind to what he had been doing for months.

I was simply blind.

Right now? I'm just scared. Terrified, even. What if pressing charges throws him of the edge and he comes for me? What if he decides that if he can't have me, no one else can? What if…

My thoughts are interrupted by the feeling of a hand on my face, and I'm surprised to see it's Christian's, moving my head so I can look at him.

"He will not come near you, Anastasia." Christian says, and the sincerity in his tone actually causes me to shiver. "I swear, he will never lay a finger on you ever again."

Somehow, someway, I believe him, and I just nod.

"I'll take that as a yes." Dt. Cassidy says, and for the first time since he walked into my hospital room, he actually smiles.

And it's a warm smile, one full of appreciation and promise.

"If you feel like he might be a threat to you, we can appoint you a police officer to stay here until you're discharged." Dt. Smith says as she puts away her notebook and pen.

"That won't be necessary." Christian says, making my eyes grow wide in fear. "I'll take care of that. She'll have round the clock protection even after she's discharged."

"Very well." Dt. Cassidy says before he turns to look at Carrick. "Since Ms. Steele is incapable of coming down to the station to file an official complaint, we will need you to come with us and do that since you're her attorney."

"Of course." Carrick says with a nod before he turns to look at me. "Everything will be all right, Ana. Don't worry."

"Easier said than done." I say with a humorless chuckle, earning a small smile from him.

The two detectives quickly thank me for my cooperation before they take their leave, closely followed by Carrick, and leaving me alone with Christian.

The room is engulfed with silence; one that I can't really call awkward but I can't call it comfortable either.

"Thank you." I finally say, deciding to break the silence.

"You don't have to thank me." Christian says as he stands up and takes a couple of steps away from me. "Offering you protection is the least I can do after everything that's happened."

"Well, thank you about that as well, but that's not what I was talking about."

Christian turns to look at me with a raised eyebrow, and I just look down at my suddenly interesting cast.

"I mean our talk earlier." I say after a long silence, not knowing what else to say.

 _Thank you for making me realize that's I've been a victim of domestic abuse?_

 _Thank you for helping me see that I'm the embodiment of stereotypical abuse victims?_

 _Thank you for showing me that Jose is just as bad as Elena?_

"It was the only way I could think of."

We fall into silence again, and I can see Christian shuffling from one foot to the other. I don't think I've ever seen Christian like this before, feeling awkward, or even uncomfortable.

Christian has always been sure of himself. He walks into any room like he owns it, and within seconds of opening his mouth, he does own everyone in it. He's always been able to capture people with his intelligence and personality.

That's why seeing him in this state of discomfort is rather comical.

"If you don't need anything else from me, I'll just head out."

"Ok." I say and offer him a small smile before he leaves me alone to my thoughts and my emotions.

As soon as the door closes behind Christian, I let go of a very loud sigh and lean back in my bed. I have tears in my eyes that are threatening to fall, but I refuse to let them down. My mind is going on overdrive with all the questions I have, but one thought keeps jumping to the forefront of my thoughts.

I will not be weak.

Never again.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: I started this chapter on August 11** **th** **, and I only wrote the first page before I reached a brick wall and couldn't go anywhere with it. Then a few days ago, I found out that this story has won 5** **th** **place in the Top Five WIP FSOG Stories for the month of September. Real life has not allowed me to write as much as I used to, and I know I've lost readers because of that. However, this nomination and win showed me that you guys still care, and I hope you believe me when I tell you that it hurts me that I'm not able to update as much. So, thank you for those who nominated me, and for those who voted for Regrets. I love you all!  
**

* * *

 **Chapter 7**

 **CPOV**

As soon as I close the door to Ana's room, I lean my head back against the wood with my eyes closed and I count to 10, then 20, then 30.

I feel my blood boiling with anger, and if I weren't in the hospital, I would definitely be breaking things, or at least screaming at some poor soul whose only fault was walking by me at a bad time. I take a deep breath in a futile attempt to calm myself down, and I keep repeating one line silently in my head.

 _I will not get into my car._

 _I will not get into my car._

 _I will not get into my car and go kill Elena._

I know for a fact that I would do more harm than good if I drive up to the state prison and demand answers from her. She'll revel in my misery, and I'm sure as hell that she'll be ecstatic over what happened with Ana.

And if what we suspect is actually true, she'll be over the moon at this entire situation.

I take another deep breath and let it out in a sigh.

Even after this past year, I still can't believe I've stayed blind to what Elena had been doing for years. That's why when Ray told me that Ana is refusing to press charges, I immediately understood where she was coming from, and I knew, I just _knew_ , that if I talked to her, I would make her see reason.

I reach for my phone to call Mike, so I can arrange a security detail to stay with Ana at all times. However, before I can press the speed dial button, I see Taylor and Gail walking towards me, obviously wanting to see Ana.

"Mr. Grey, is Ana awake?" Gail asks as they reach me.

"Yes, and for the millionth time, Gail, please call me Christian." I say with a small smile, but she just gives me a polite one before she knocks on the door. I hear Ana's voice from the other side giving permission to come in, and Gail opens the door.

"Are you coming, Jason?"

"In a bit, sweetheart." Taylor answers, his eyes not leaving me. "You go ahead, I'll join you in a bit."

Gail nods again before she walks inside the room and closes the door behind her, leaving me alone with Taylor.

"What did the police say?"

"It's fucked up, T." I say as I run my hand through my hair in frustration. "It's fucked up more than I ever thought it could be."

"How worse can it be?"

"The police think that there's a link between Elena and Jose." I say, and for the first time since I've met Taylor, I see a lock of utter shock on his face, one that is quickly replaced with scary anger.

"Come again?" He asks, his voice deadly calm.

"You heard me." I say with a sigh. "Jose and Elena have met a couple of times before she was arrested, and he's visited her in prison a few times before he left to Italy."

"Holy shit!" Taylor swears as he takes a step back and rubs his hands over his face. "Holy fucking shit!"

"I know."

"Did they say what they're going to do now?" He asks, making me give another sigh.

"They were hoping to get information from Ana that would connect him to Elena's charges of molestation and pedophilia. She didn't have that, she was just as shocked as you were to discover there was a link at all between them."

"I don't like the sound of that, Christian."

"Well, you're not going to like the rest either. Since they don't have any incriminating information, Jose will probably be released on bail by tomorrow. He'll still be prosecuted for what he did to Ana, but he won't be in jail during the trial."

"Wait, she's pressing charges?" Taylor asks, and there's a shimmer of hope in his eyes.

"Yeah, she finally realized what's been going on."

"That's good." He says, and I'm almost glad he doesn't ask for a further explanation. "How did she react about Jose being released?"

"She was terrified, but I'm going to talk to Mike to get her a CPO."

"Sawyer is looking for a job." Taylor casually says as he shoves his hands in his pockets. "I spoke to him a few days ago, and he mentioned that he has quit his job."

"I don't think he'll agree to work for me again after everything that's happened last year."

"He won't be doing it for you, he'll be doing it for Ana." Taylor says, and I raise an eyebrow at him. "We may or may not have talked about the possibility of Ana needing protection."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Are you looking for a job?"

"You can't afford me." He says, and I simply raise an eyebrow at him. "Ok, you can, but that doesn't mean that I'll agree to work for you again."

"Listen, T. I know I was a royal pain in the ass back in the day…"

"That's the understatement of the century." Taylor interrupts, making me let out a small chuckle.

"But I've changed." I continue, making him look at me with eyes full of doubt. "Don't get me wrong, Mike is a great head of security, but he's not you."

"Did it occur to you that we might be going back home after we make sure Ana is fine?" Taylor challenges me, I guess in an attempt to prove that I'm still a selfish prick.

"Gail already told mom that you spent the past year traveling, and you just want to settle back home here in Seattle." I say with a smug smile, earning a chuckle from Taylor as he shakes his head. "Think about it, and the salary is not an issue."

"I'll have to talk it over with Gail." Taylor says, but that small sentence gives me a bit hope that he might actually be considering it.

I mean, really, Mike is a great guy, but like I said, he's not Taylor.

For the years that Taylor worked with me, we developed some kind of professional chemistry. He knew what I wanted even before I asked it. He knew what needed to be done and when it needed to happen.

In simple words, I miss him and I want him back as my CPO and head of security.

"Sure. Her position is still open if she'd like to take it back as well."

"How many housekeepers have you had in the past year?" Taylor asks, and I can see a hint of a smile on his lips.

"I lost count." I say with a smile of my own, making Taylor simply shake his head.

"I'll talk to Gail and get back to you with our answer later. For now, I'm going to go check on Ana." Taylor says right before he opens the door to Ana's room and walks in without saying another word.

However, less than two seconds later, he peeks his head out and look as me with a combination of a devilish yet sympathetic smile.

"You might want to think about how you'll explain to Ray about Jose and Elena's connection." He says before he goes back in and closes the door.

My eyes grow as I fully register what he just said, and I feel my heart sink to my balls.

 _Fuck!_

 _Fucking fuck!_

 _He's going to kill me, bring me back to life, then kill me all over again._

* * *

I'm sitting in the hospital garden with an ice-bag over my cut lip, which I'm sure is swollen by now.

I saw it coming a mile away, but there was nothing I could do to stop the punch that Ray threw at me. Not that I wanted to do anything, anyway, but damn, he carries a mean punch for someone his age.

I had found him at the cafeteria after I left Ana's room, deciding that it's better to just bite the bullet and talk to him now rather than later. He didn't say a word as I asked if I could join him, and he only stared at me for 5 minutes, during which I was trying to figure out what to say.

At the end, I just started by telling him that Ana had decided to press charges, hoping that it would get me on his good side once I explained how she came to that decision. The look of utter relief on his face when he heard that gave me hope, but that didn't last long as I explained everything.

At first, I could identify the look of sympathy on his face as I told him about my introduction into sex, and his hands balled into fists as I explained who Elena was to my parents and how she basically used my mother to get all the information she needed to get her claws into me. That look of sympathy was quickly replaced by shock when I told him that I remained friends with Elena, and that I didn't see her for what she really was for long years.

Of course, I left out all mentions of BDSM. No father wants to hear about his daughter's kinky fuckery, ever! However, I had to tell him that Elena was the one who hooked me up with my _"casual partners"_ , and she wasn't too happy when I met Ana.

Until that point, Ray didn't have all the details of why Ana and I broke up, and when I explained _that_ part, I knew that I would be at the receiving end of his punch by the time I finished my talk. He didn't disappoint. When I explained every last detail I had from my past and what the police told us, he just sat in his place, and his fist flew over the table to connect with my face. That punch was so hard I actually fell back in my chair, and for a long minute, I just stayed there on the floor, too stunned to move.

"You should be thankful that's all I did."

I stiffen when I hear Ray's voice from beside me. I was too deep in my thoughts that I didn't notice him approach. I'm not worried that he would hit me again; he could've done that earlier. I totally believe that he got what he wanted, but that doesn't stop me from sitting there nervously, simply because I know that if he decides that he wants to throw in more punches, I won't do anything to stop him.

"Will I still be thankful when we finish this conversation?" I asked after I removed the ice pack from my lip. Talking wasn't painful, but it wasn't comfortable either.

"If I wanted to do more, I would've done so back inside, and no one could've stopped me, not even that bodyguard of yours." He says as he nods towards the empty spot beside me, silently asking if he can sit there.

"Sure." I say as I move over to the side a bit, giving him more room to sit. "Listen, Ray…" I begin before I take a deep breath and let it out in a loud sigh. "I can't apologize enough for hurting Ana the way I did, nor can I apologize enough for putting her on Elena's radar. However, you need to put this aside for the time being, because we need to work together to figure all of this out."

"It's not going to be easy, but I get it." Ray says as he rubs his hands over his face in frustration. "One day, you're going to have kids of your own, Christian. I hope to God they don't go through what Ana has gone through, no one deserves that, but once your daughter calls you in tears, telling you that some asshole broke her heart after she's given him everything, you'll understand how I feel."

"I don't think children are in my future, or marriage for that matter." I say, receiving a knowing look from Ray.

"I know what you mean." He says with a sigh. "After Carla left, I was devastated. She had cheated on me, and then she took my daughter away from me. I never thought I could open my heart again, but then I met an amazing woman who helped me pick up the pieces of my broken heart and life. She was everything I was looking for in a woman; beautiful, smart, caring, and above all, she loved me."

I'm stunned as I listen to Ray open up. This is probably the most honest he's ever been with me, and I'm afraid that if I say anything, he'll shut down again.

"A few days before Ana called me from Vegas, she was in an accident. A drunk driver passed a red light and slammed right into her. She died on the spot." Ray explains, and I can feel my jaw hit the floor. "When Ana asked me to get her from Vegas, I had just buried the love of my life the day before, and the grief was so consuming that I wasn't sure that I wanted to live anymore. I mean, my daughter was away with her mother, who would barely let me talk to her, and the woman who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with had died because someone decided that it was ok to get behind the wheel with 0.25 BAC. But then I got that call from Ana, and I knew that I had to pull myself together for her sake."

"I'm sorry." I say, not knowing what else to say. "I didn't know."

"No one knew." He says with a shrug. "No even Ana knows about it. She was so distraught after what happened with Morton that I didn't find it in me to tell her."

I only nod at him, not having anything to respond with.

"My point is, I know what you mean when you say you don't see marriage or children in your future. As much as I hate what you did to her, and what you have put her through, I fully understand that Ana is it for you. Sara was it for me too, and I haven't been able to as much as look at another woman since she passed."

"I know you probably don't want me anywhere near Ana; not now, not ever, but I can't bring myself to just let go." I say as I run my fingers through my hair.

"I've never seen her as happy as she was when she was with you." Ray admits after a long silence, making me look at him with wide eyes. "She loved you with every fiber of her being, Christian, but right now, she only needs help getting over what that asshole did to her, and I don't mean physically only. Jose fucked up with her head more than he did with her body, and she has a long way ahead of her. She doesn't need you barging in there and declaring your undying love, because right now, she'll just tell you to go fuck yourself. All she needs at the moment is a friend, and I hope you can be there for her, because no matter what anyone says, and as much as I hate to admit it, she has a soft spot for you, even after everything you've done. If she didn't, she would've refused to see, and there's nothing I or anyone else could've done to change that."

"I know." I say with a nod. "I just pray that she will find it in herself to forgive me."

"That'll depend on you, Christian. What you do in the coming weeks will determine if she will forgive you or not. But don't be mistaken, even if she does forgive you, that doesn't mean that she'll take you back."

"You sound like my therapist."

"Then he must be a wise man." Ray says with a hint of a smile on his face, making me smile in turn. "Since you've mentioned him, I need to find Ana a good therapist. I don't like the doctor here, he seems arrogant and I know Ana is not going to talk to him."

"I gave her Josh's card earlier, and I told him that he might get a call from her, but she might want to talk to a female therapist."

"I'll have her call this Josh guy today, and if she decides that she would feel better about talking to a woman, we'll ask him to recommend someone." Ray says and takes a deep breath, as if bracing himself to what he's going to say next. "I'm a proud man, Christian. I'm sure you've figured this out a long time ago, but my daughter comes before my pride, and I have to put it aside for her best interest."

Ray pauses for a long minute, and I keep silent because I'm afraid if I say something, he'll change his mind about asking.

"I'm shutting down my shop in Montesano for the time being, because Ana needs me here with her while she goes through physical and mental therapy. She won't find any good options there, and I'd rather have her stay here and not move back and forth for each session. I asked Elliot to find me an apartment, but with Jose probably getting out on bail tomorrow, I'll most likely need a safe place, somewhere with a strong security system and a guard at the door."

"Escala has that."

"Elliot said the same, and thinking about it from all aspects, it is the best option since your security team would be close by. I'm a strong guy, but I don't think I'll be able to take on Jose on my own if he decides to do something crazy." Ray says with yet another sigh.

"GEH has the apartment right below mine. We keep it for business guests who stay in Seattle for long period of times and for the staff from the overseas branches. I can have my housekeeper prepare it for you two so it can be ready when Ana is discharged." I quickly suggest, not wanting him to actually ask for me to help. I can imagine it's bad enough for him to have this conversation with me, but to actually ask for help, I wouldn't want him to go through that.

"I can't ask you to do that, Christian. Ana has a long way ahead of her, we're talking months, and I can't ask you to keep the apartment occupied for that long."

"You don't need to worry about that." I say with a small smile, making Ray just look at me for the longest time before he just nods.

"Thank you." He finally says as he pats me on the shoulder. "You're a good man, Christian, you just needed to pull your head out of your ass, and it took Ana leaving you for that to happen."

I only nod at him, as I don't know how to respond to that.

"Now, we need to figure out one last thing." Ray says, and I look at him with questioning eyes, and for a split second, I'm actually scared by the fury I see in his.

"What the fuck are we going to do about Elena and Jose?"


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I would like to thank everyone who took the time to review the last chapter, and the ones who are now following the story and have added it to their list of favorites. Your support means the world to me!**

 **Please note, that in this story, there was no fast engagement and no faster marriage. Christian and Ana have dated for around 3 years before they broke up. I hope you enjoy this rather long chapter.**

* * *

 **Chapter 8**

 **APOV**

I need to sleep, I really need to, but my mind won't seem to shut down. A loud sigh leaves my lungs as I look at my Dad's sleeping form on the couch. God, it must be very uncomfortable to have been spending every night for the past 2 weeks like this.

It's been a week since I woke up, and the doctors say that I should be good to leave tomorrow morning. I still need to undergo physiotherapy for my hand, but otherwise, they say that I'm healing nicely and that I should be able to recover just as well at home.

However, I'm sad to say that I'm terrified of leaving. Jose has been released on bail, and for the past week, I've been safe in my hospital room. There's always been someone with me at one point or another, be that Dad, Kate, Gail, or even Grace. The day after my talk with the police, I was shocked into silence when Luke walked into my hospital room, and after a few minutes of just staring at him without being able to say a word, the tears just started falling and I couldn't stop them.

At first, I just thought he was there to visit, but then he told me that he's going to be my protection and that he's back on Christian's payroll, and the tears turned into open sobs.

When Christian promised me that he will get me protection, I knew that it would be anyone BUT Luke Sawyer. I really wanted to tell him to get Luke, but beggars can't be choosers, and I was just glad that Christian was offering his help at all. I knew from Taylor that Luke quit the day after that fateful night between Christian and I, and I never expected that he would ever agree to work for Christian again. I don't know what Christian did to convince him to take his job back, but I'm just grateful I'm not going to ask questions.

It's not like it's my business what Christian does, anymore.

I remember when Christian first assigned Luke to me back in the day. I threw a fit that could rival that of a toddler. I didn't want protection, I thought I was capable of defending myself just fine. Then I was mobbed by the paparazzi outside of SIP after news broke about Christian and I dating, and I had never been as grateful for Christian's underhanded ways as I was that day. Luke was following from a distance without my knowledge, and when the paps surrounded me, he just pushed his way through, throwing punches here and there. When he reached me, I was on the floor with tears in my eyes, and he just picked me up and walked back into SIP.

That had been the scariest moment of my life. Well, until the night of Kate and Elliot's wedding, that is.

Since then, I've always felt safe when Luke was shadowing me, and for the year that Christian and I stayed together after that incident, Luke and I developed a relationship that one would call a crossover between that of best friends and siblings. That's why it really hurt when he never reached out after everything went downhill.

I know Luke will do everything in his power to protect me. Hell, he's been standing at my door for the entire week, only taking a break at night when someone else took charge. But there are lots of barriers for Jose to break to get to me here at the hospital. There's the security Christian has put at the front and back entrances of the hospital, then there's the reception where Christian and Grace have both made sure that only a few people were allowed to be given information about my room number and floor, and finally there's both Luke and Dad with the former standing at the door at all hours and the latter never leaving my side unless I had to use the bathroom.

Now that I'm being discharged, the only barrier between Jose and me will be Luke, and it only takes one bullet to get him out of the way. I shudder at the thought, but after finally seeing the light about Jose, I wouldn't put it past him to go that far.

Dad still won't tell me where we'll be staying. He only told me not to worry and that we'll be safe, but unless we'll be staying at a certain ivory tower, which I know for a fact neither Dad or I can afford, I don't know how he'll be able to keep Jose away.

Carrick had filed a restraining order on my behalf when he pressed the charges, but even he knows that it won't do anything to stop Jose if he really wants to get to me. He, Dad, and I talked about how things will proceed from there, and we all think that Jose is just waiting until I'm out of the hospital to approach me. Everyone seems to believe that Jose is not going to stand trail without at least trying to persuade me to drop the charges; I'm just scared about what means of persuasion he's going to use.

I brush away a silent tear that has escaped my tired eyes. I can't believe I've let myself reach this point! For the life of me, I can't figure out how I've let him brainwash me the way he did. Yes, I've always been confident of myself and myself worth. Yes, when Christian first showed interest in me, I didn't believe he would even consider me for a relationship, but that wasn't because I didn't think I was beautiful or attractive, or because I wasn't worthy enough of someone like Christian. It was only because we came from different backgrounds. I've never been ashamed of my upbringing, but billionaires don't give middle-class girls a second glance. That's not the way life goes, and I was just being a realist in my thoughts. I wasn't being self-degrading nor was I being a pessimist.

To be fair, Christian always boosted my confidence and self-respect. Until that night when he shattered everything about me. He shattered my heart, my mind, my entire being. Maybe that's when it all started, maybe Christian simply paved the way for Jose to come and do whatever the hell he wanted to me.

When I first went to Italy with Taylor's help, I spent the entire three weeks trying to figure out where I went wrong. After weeks of thinking, I came to the realization that it must've been my strong personality that eventually ruined things. When we first met, Christian wanted a submissive, and by his own admissions, I don't have a submissive bone in my body. As I dissected our relationship, I brought myself to believe that I need to be more submissive in any future relationships I may have. That's what men want, right? A girl who asks how high when they say jump, at least that's what Christian wanted. One line that Christian used a lot with me was _why can't you just do what you're told, Anastasia?_ Maybe if I did, he wouldn't have believed some made up pictures over me. Maybe if I did, we would still be together and I wouldn't have had to go through this entire shit-storm with Jose.

That's why after weeks of willowing in self-pity, I decided that if I ever want to be happy with a man, I should be more submissive.

That's probably why I allowed Jose to do what he did. The first time he slapped me, I almost punched him right in the face, but then I forced that Ana back and did nothing. In hindsight, I probably should've just let her out to get her way with him, but what do they say about hindsight?

With every slap and punch, with every insult and degradation, that feisty Ana got buried deeper and deeper, until she disappeared altogether. I can feel her trying to push her way through the fog, but it's too damn thick for her to find her way.

For the past week, I've had my up and down moments, the down ones being more though. There are moments where I want to ask for help, mentally, but then I think _what's the point_? No one would want me after everything I've been through. I'm too damaged. Why waste time and money on something that's not going to get me anywhere. I did this to myself, I should live with my own actions.

I let out a lough sigh as I feel the headache brewing. The doctor warned me that the concussion is going to cause me headaches, but I guess thinking too much doesn't help matters. I'm tempted to ask for something for the pain, but I decide against it, even though I know it might help me sleep.

It's at moments like those that I wish Dad hasn't confiscated my phone. The police kept it as evidence along with my purse from when I was taken to the hospital during the wedding, but they only released it into my possession once I was awake and coherent. However, the minute I had it in my hands, Dad took it away and said that he'll be getting me a new one with a new number so that Jose won't contact me. He said that he doesn't want me to answer Jose's call when, not if, he calls. I told him over and over that I would never talk to him willingly, but I guess he doesn't trust me.

I don't know why he hasn't gotten me a new one yet. No, scratch that, I do. Dad refuses to leave my side for more than an hour, and even then, he spends it in the waiting room or talking to Luke or Taylor if he's there. He's been using the ensuite in my room for showers, and he's taken residence over the pull-out couch.

If this had happened a year ago, I would've kicked him out a long time ago, but his presence gives me peace and a sense of safety. This whole ordeal has taken me back to being daddy's little girl, the one who is scared of the monsters under the bed and knows that Daddy is the only one who can destroy them.

Only difference is, the monster this time is real, and he's just lurking around the corner waiting to pounce at the nearest opportunity.

I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to will the headache that is getting worse by the second away, but then a scream leaves my lungs as I hear a noise outside my room.

"Annie? What's wrong?" Dad asks, obviously having woken up by my scream.

"I… I'm sorry." I say, my voice breaking as my eyes stay glued to the door. "I heard a… a noise… I didn't mean to… to wake you up."

"Do you want me to check it out?"

I'm about to say no, that's I'm just being silly, but I hear the same noise again and this time, the scream that leaves my lips is louder as I pull the sheets up to cover myself.

"I'm sure it's nothing." Dad says as he gets up and moves to the door. I see him open it and talk to the night guard outside my room, but I can't hear what they're saying because I can hear the blood thumping in my ears.

"A nurse tripped and dropped his things." Dad says as he walks back to the room. "You have nothing to worry about."

"It's not him?"

"He'll never get near you again, baby girl." He says as he sits on the edge of my bed. He takes my left hand in his and rubs him thumb over my knuckles, silently soothing me enough to have my breath regulate. "I could kill him for doing this to you, and I'm not talking about the physical damage."

I don't know how to respond to that, so I just shrug. Next, I feel Dad's hand wipe away the tears that I hadn't realize were falling, and that simple touch tears apart the brave mask I've been trying to hold in place, and I break down sobbing.

"I'm scared, Daddy." I hiccup as my shoulders shake. "I'm terrified."

"I know, sweetie, but I'm going to do everything in my power to change that. You have my word that he won't come near you ever again, even if I have to kill him."

"I hate him. I hate him for doing this, but I hate myself more for allowing him to do this to me." I say as I wipe away the tears angrily. "Why? Why would I let him get to my head like that?"

"This is not your fault, baby girl. Don't even think about that. What happened is all on Jose. It's not your fault; it's no one's fault but Jose's."

I nod silently at him, but I don't stop crying. Dad lets out a sigh as he moves to sit beside me, then he wraps his arm around my shoulder, allowing me to rest my head on his chest. Once my head touches his strong muscles, the sobs become stronger, and I fist his shirt in my fingers as I let the pain and frustration out. I hear my dad softly singing _Mockingbird_ as he rubs his fingers over my hair; the same way he used to sing to me when I came back from Vegas, and in that moment, I just know that my Dad will keep me safe.

I don't know how long I cry, but the pain, frustration, and exhaustion finally catch up with me, and I faintly hear my dad whisper that he loves me before sleep finally claims me. 

* * *

My leg won't stop shaking, no matter how many deep breaths I take, no matter how many times I count to 10, they just won't stop shaking. I'm sitting in the back seat of one of Christian's SUVs, with Luke behind the wheel, Dad sitting beside him, and Kate sitting beside me.

"Ana, you need to calm down." Kate says as she reaches to hold my hand, but I'm too tense that I actually flinch when her fingers touch mine.

"I will, once I'm safe at home, wherever that is." I say as I nervously bite on my fingernails; a habit I thought I had kicked when I was 10, but apparently picked up back again now.

"Annie, how many times do I have to tell you that you'll be safe at home?" Dad says, and I can hear a hint of frustration in his voice. I don't blame him, but he won't tell me where he got us an apartment. Kate had offered our old apartment, but both Dad and Luke shot that down at that apartment is as safe as piece of cheese in a mouse's hands.

For the following 10 minutes, no one says anything, with Dad and Kate looking outside their windows and me just staring at my shoes. I don't even dare look out the windows for fear of finding Jose standing in the street waiting for me somewhere.

It was almost impossible for me to leave the hospital. As per hospital policy, I had to leave on a wheelchair. Dad pushed the chair from my room to the door, but once we reached the sliding doors leading to the outside world, I told him to stop.

I couldn't leave. I just couldn't. I felt the walls closing in on me and the breath leave my lungs as I saw cars passing by, imagining Jose in one of them, jumping out and grabbing me as soon as I left through the doors.

Dad, Kate, and Grace spent 10 minutes trying to calm me down, and it finally took Taylor standing by the door with his gun drawn out for me to feel safe enough to walk the small distance between the doors and the car. I could see the worried looks exchanged between everyone around me, but I couldn't bring myself to care about how they were feeling.

I was too terrified to care.

I haven't seen Christian since the day I spoke to the police, which is something I really appreciate. I can't help but be tremendously thankful for everything he has done for me so far, especially talking to the police about Elena, but at the same time, I just can't forget and forgive everything that happened, and I can't allow these mixed feelings mess with my head more than it already is.

"What are we doing here?" I ask nervously as I see us turning into the underground garage of Escala. "Dad, why are we here?"

I don't like this. I don't like this at all! Christian has done a lot to make me feel better and safer this past week; getting Dad here in Charlie Tango, hiring back Luke, getting that other security guard to take over for Luke at nights, giving us this car to use, and even though no one would admit it, I know he took care of all of my hospital bills. But staying with him, that's not going to happen! I can't handle that, not now, not ever. I can't go back into that apartment after what he's done to me the last night I was there.

"It's not what you think." Kate says as she reaches for my hand, and again, I flinch in surprise. "You're not going to be staying with Christian."

"Then why are we here?" I ask again as Luke parks the car in an empty spot, which I notice is a few spots away from Christian's fleet of Audis.

"Christian has kindly offered us the apartment right below his, the one he uses for GEH staff and guests." Dad says with a sigh as he runs his hand over his hair and turns around to face me. "This is the safest building in the city. There are more rooms than you and I can use in this apartment, which means that Luke can stay with us and not have to go back and forth each day, not to mention that it also means that there's no need for another security guard to take over for Luke when he goes home at night. Moreover, Christian's head of security will be on the floor right above us. If Jose somehow finds out where you're staying, and then by some sort of miracle he manages to get past the security at the front door, there'll be more than enough men to handle him."

"Did Christian offer this or did you ask?"

Dad closes his eyes for a split second before he takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

"Kate, Luke, can you give us a second please?" Dad asks, making the two of them nod before they leave the car, allowing me and Dad to have a moment of privacy.

"I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Christian, Annie. I'm a proud man, but you're my daughter, and you come before my pride. I wish I had the resources to offer you all forms of safety, but I don't, and I'm not ashamed of that. However, Christian does, and I wasn't above asking him for help to keep you safe. Initially, I was going to ask if we could stay with him, but before I could even mention that, he offered this apartment. It's the best solution."

"You were going to ask if we could stay with him? Are you out of your mind?" I ask, my eyes almost falling out of my head they're so wide.

"If the options were you being safe and having to deal with Christian, or being terrified out of your mind until Jose was behind bars, I'm sure as hell was going to go with the first option!" Dad snaps, and I have to close my eyes and take a deep breath to calm myself down.

Well, no point in getting upset about it. We're not staying with him, and that's all that matters.

However, I can't help but feel a bit warm that Christian offered this. He's really doing everything he can to make me feel safe, and to be totally honest, I already feel safer knowing that I'll be staying at Escala and not in a building that can easily be accessed.

"I'm sorry, Dad. I know this must've been difficult for you, and I can't thank you enough for everything you're doing. I guess this is just too overwhelming for me at the moment."

"I'm not the only one who's doing things, Ana." Dad says and reaches out to rest his hand on my knee, making me realize that his touch is the only one I can tolerate at the moment. "Everyone is doing something, and not small things either. Grace has called in favors to get you the best doctors in all of the United States, Carrick is representing you pro-bono, Kate and Elliot have put their honeymoon on hold just to stay by your side and to make sure you're doing well, Taylor and Gail have moved back here to be close to you and to help you out, and I can't even begin to list the things that Christian has done."

I stare at my dad with my jaw hitting the floor. Other than the information about Kate and Elliot, and Christian, I had no idea everyone else has gone above and beyond for me.

"Oh, and Mia has gone shopping for clothes and toiletries for you. She offered to go bring your things from Italy, but I think that was her excuse to just do some of her own shopping in Rome."

I can't help but chuckle at that, probably the first one I allow myself to let out since I woke up at the hospital, but then I wince, as I fully know Mia's taste in clothes.

"Don't worry, everything she bought had to be pre-approved by either Kate or myself. You won't be having an all-pink wardrobe. At least, that's what Kate said you'll end up having if Mia had her way."

I smile at Dad once more, and I can see the hope shine in his eyes at that, which only serves to make me think about he's basically put his life on hold because of my stupid ass. I shake my head to rid myself of that thought for the time-being, and I reach for the door handle, silently telling Dad that we should just head up.

The four of us silently make our way to the elevator, and I see Luke insert a code into the elevator panel, making my eyebrows raise to my hairline.

"Only the penthouse is accessible by a code, Luke." I point out, making him shrug at me.

"Mr. Grey had the security system upgraded."

"What about the other residents on the floor? I know for a fact there are 2 other apartments on the 29th floor."

"Those apartments are currently empty, Ana. There won't be anyone on that floor except for the three of us and anyone who comes to visit."

I notice both my dad and Kate's eyes grow in surprise, and I can't help but wonder if Christian had anything to do with these apartments being conveniently empty. Nevertheless, that sense of safety spreads a little bit further in my heart, and I find myself relaxing a bit more as we go up to my new residence.

"Didn't Christian ask you to call him by his first name instead of the formal Mr. Grey?" Kate asks with a snicker, making Luke shake his head.

"Well, until he proves that he's not an arrogant asshole anymore, he'll be Mr. Grey to me." Luke says, making Kate burst out laughing, while Dad tries to stifle his laughter with a cough.

I, on the other hand, just roll my eyes.

It takes us about five minutes to finally reach the apartment, and even though I've been here once before when Christian showed it to me a couple of years ago, I'm shocked to see the change that's been done to it. The colors are warm and welcoming, not the clinical white that it used to be. The walls used to be bare of any art, now they have colorful paintings of nature, the same type of paintings I usually find myself admiring.

"Holy hell!" Kate gasps as she takes in her surroundings. "The Mogul has gone all out!"

"Huh?" I ask as I look at Kate with confused eyes.

"I came with Mia to put away your new clothes earlier this week, and the apartment wasn't like this. It was like a smaller copy of the penthouse, and I might have mentioned that you may feel better with more color here."

"Kate!"

"I only told Mia! He wasn't even here!"

"Well, you might as well have called him and told him yourself! You know how Mia is!"

"I didn't think they'd actually do anything about it!"

"Girls!" Dad says with a mixture of shock and amusement in his eyes. "Christian's heart was in the right place, Annie. Don't get upset over this."

"I'm not upset that he did this, Dad. It's just too much. He's done too much already." I say with a sigh as I plunk myself on the couch.

"He's doing it because he wants to, not because he has to, baby girl." Dad says as he sits beside me.

"Christian never does anything he doesn't _want_ to do, I know that, but I can't give him what he wants. I don't think I'll ever be able to give him what he wants."

"What do you think he wants?" Kate asks as she sits on the coffee table in front of me, and I raise my eyebrow at her.

"He wants me to forgive him for the way he treated me when Elena sent him those pictures, and he wants me back." I say and close my eyes. "When I first woke up, I couldn't really remember everything from when Jose attacked me, but with each passing day, bits and pieces came back, and I remember the last thing Christian told me before I passed out was that he still loves me. I think he said it twice, but I can't be too sure."

"We're not even going to try and deny that, because we would be lying to your face." Kate says before she takes a deep breath. "Ana, while you were in Italy…"

"Kate!" Dad warns, but Kate being Kate, she just rolls her eyes, not even slightly intimidated by the signature Ray Steele glare.

"She needs to hear this, Ray." Kate says and looks at me again. "While you were in Italy those first three weeks, Christian was a mess. At first, I wanted to kill him with my bare hands for what he did to you. Keep in mind, at the time I didn't know the details of what had happened between you. All I knew is what you told me; that you two broke up and you were going away to clear your mind."

"I know what I told you, Kate."

"Well, after Elliot talked me down from killing him, and once he realized what had really happened, he went into destruction mode. He gathered the entire family and told them every sordid detail about his relationship with Elena. He had already told Grace when she confronted him upstairs, but he told Carrick, Elliot, Mia, and myself, everything. He then started on destroying Elena and eventually put her behind bars."

"I know all of this, Kate. He told me everything when I saw him at your place."

"What you don't know is that once Elena was in jail, he went into _self-destruction_ mode. It was like his mission to destroy Elena kept him occupied with something, and once it was accomplished, he realized that he had lost the best thing that ever happened to him." She says and takes another deep breath. "When you showed up, both Elliot and I were hopeful that you two will work things out, then you announced that you were moving. That's why Elliot called him that night, I know you still hold that against him by the way."

"I don't…"

"Ana, you've been short and rude to Elliot all week when he's been doing nothing but trying to cheer you up. But it's ok, we both understand that you've been through a lot, and he's ok with it for now."

"I…"

"Let me finish." She interrupts me again, and I only nod at her. I realize that I've reached out to hold my dad's hand half-way through her speech, and that he's now rubbing his fingers over mine, silently offering me his support. "I thought I had seen him at his lowest before you left again, but I was wrong. Ana, Christian almost lost GEH. He was losing money left and right because he wasn't going to the office anymore. People didn't want to do business with him anymore, and the ones who were already in business with him wanted out. Ros had to do miracles to stop the company from crumbling to the ground."

"Oh my God!" I gasp, shocked to my core but that piece of information. GEH is Christian's baby. It's his life. For him to be this reckless about it… I don't even have the words to even consider it.

"Almost a month after you left back to Italy, the family decided that they've had enough and they wanted to intervene. Elliot told them to back off and that he would talk to him, and if that didn't work out, the rest could come and speak their mind. You have to understand, Ana, even when he was distant and generally an asshole to everyone, including his family, Christian was never depressed, at least not to the point where he wanted to end his life."

"What?" I scream and jump to my feet. "What the fuck are you talking about, Kate?"

"Katherine! Ana doesn't need this now!" Dad almost yells at Kate, shooting daggers at her with his eyes.

"No dad! I want to hear this!" I say and look at Kate with tears welling up in my eyes. "Why didn't anyone tell me? I would've come back!"

"We didn't tell you because Christian begged us not to." Kate says with a sigh as she rubs her hand over her face. "When Elliot came to see him, he found him sitting in the kitchen with a bottle of scotch and two bottles of pills. The pills were anti-depressants and sleeping pills that Flynn had prescribed. He was just staring at them. When Elliot saw that he shoved his fingers down Christian's throat, forcing him to throw up, but even when nothing but bile came out, and even when Christian swore that he didn't take anything, Elliot camped there for a week, never letting Christian out of his sight for a second. He even sat on the toilet while Christian showered, and stood by the bathroom door while he did his business."

"Oh my God!" I gasp again as I sink to the couch, my left hand covering my mouth as the tears fall silently from my eyes.

"For that entire week, I was the only one who really knew what was going on. I wanted to call you, I really did, but I knew that you needed your space and if I did, you would be coming back for the wrong reasons. Christian was at the worst he's ever been, but that didn't cancel out what he did to you, and he needed to become a better person before he tried to win you back." She says before she stands up and walks to the kitchen that is right across from the living room. I see her pull out a bottle of wine from the fridge, and I'm almost _not_ surprised to see it fully stocked. "Does anyone want some?"

"I could use a glass." Dad says, but I just shake my head as I'm not supposed to be consuming alcohol with my meds.

When she has the two glasses filled, she offers one to Dad then takes hers and sits on the coffee table again.

"Grace had Flynn lose his license when she found that he had prescribed Christian those pills. One should never take these two meds together, but Flynn never warned Christian against that." Kate says before she takes a sip of her wine. "She connected Christian with Josh, and he was able to help Christian get out of the depression he was in, without even giving him so much as a sleeping pill. He told him what we all knew; Christian needed to become a better person before he had to win you back. Yes, we all know that he was already a good person at heart, but he had issues, issues that he never dealt with properly. How you managed to date him for 3 years is beyond me, but it also tells me how much you truly loved him."

I don't have anything to say, so I just sit in silence, waiting for Kate to swallow the huge sip of wine she took so that she can continue.

"By the time Christian was at a good place in his life to contact you, we were never able to reach you. From the few emails and messages that you sent me, you only told me that you met someone, but you never told me who. Had I known it was Jose, I would've tried to talk some sense into you. I knew he was bad news even back when we were in college, but he's always kept his distance."

"Wait, hold up." I interrupt, my head snapping up and my eyes grow wide. "What did you just say?"

"What? Which part?"

"You knew Jose was bad news."

"Yeah, I've always had a bad vibe about him, I just couldn't really put my finger on it."

"Then why the fuck did you give him my address in Rome?" I yell and jump to my feet again, then realization hits me, and my hand covers my mouth in shock. "You never gave him my address, did you?"

"Ana, sweetie, I haven't seen Jose or spoken to him since the night he tried to shove his tongue down your throat after our graduation." Kate says and shakes her head. "Did he tell you that?"

"Yes. He said that he didn't want me to be alone when I was getting over a bad break up, and that he got my address from you." I say, and suddenly, I realize that Jose's abuse had started a long time before he ever laid a hand on me.

"How long did it take for Christian to finally be at a better place?" I ask as I mentally go over the timeline of my year in Rome in my head.

"I think about four months or so." Kate asks, and I can visibly see the change in her from friend to investigative reporter. "When did you and Jose start dating?"

"I ran into him about 3 weeks after I first arrived, then he asked me out about 5 months after that."

"That means you started dating two months _after_ Christian got better, and for those months, I was rarely able to reach you." Kate says and I can almost hear the wheels turning in her head. "Wait a second! I distinctly remember receiving an email from you 3 months after you left that you had met someone and that you decided to give it a chance. According to what you say, you weren't dating Jose at the time yet."

"No, I wasn't, and I never sent you an email like that." I say with a strong shake of my head. "I noticed that your emails and texts became less and less around that time as well, which only left Jose for me to talk to and open up to."

"Annie, hold on a minute." Dad says, speaking up for the first time in a while. "How would Jose know your address if Kate didn't give it to him? Who else had your contact information?"

"Only you and Kate."

"I never told him anything about you." Dad says and pulls out his phone. I notice him tapping on it a few times then scrolling over as if he was trying to find something. "You sent me and Kate an email with your address and phone number."

"Yes."

"How can we find out if he had hacked into your phone and email?" Dad asks as he first looks at Kate then at me, and without missing a beat, both Kate and I answer at the same time,

"Barney!"

"Who the hell is Barney?"

"I'll call Christian, you explain the God of everything IT to your dad." Kate says as she pulls out her own phone and walks a bit further away to the kitchen.

"Barney is the head of Christian's IT department. He's basically a genius with technology and will be able to figure out if Jose had hacked into my phone and email." I say and lean back on the couch, my head already about to explode with this new information. I can hear Kate talking to Christian, but I tune her out. If Jose has really done this, it means that he's been planning for this whole rollercoaster since before he followed me to Rome.

Did Elena put him to this? But what would she have gained from it? She's already behind bars, and it's not like once I'm out of the picture Christian would go crawling back to her.

"Baby girl, why don't you go rest a bit in your room? All of this can't be good for you, and you can't get yourself stressed out." I hear Dad say, and I can tell that he's now sitting beside me by the dip in the couch.

"I know I should, but I don't think I'll be able to shut my mind down enough to get a couple of hours of sleep." I say, not even bothering to open my eyes. "My head hurts, my hand hurts, and above all, my heart hurts, Daddy."

"I know, sweetie. If what we suspect is true, then this goes much deeper than a case of domestic abuse."

"Was I that stupid and blind that I didn't see it?"

"No, you weren't." dad says with a sigh. "You've always been a good person, Annie. You've always assumed that people were good until proven otherwise. You just trusted him, and he has been your friend for a long time."

"Christian has always warned me against him, you know?" I ask and finally open my eyes to look at him. "He always said that Jose wanted me, but I never saw it. I just assumed that Christian was being jealous. Maybe agreeing to date him was my final slap to Christian's face. Me dating the one guy he always warned me against."

"You were hurt, and Jose took full advantage of that." Dad says and he takes a deep breath. "I really think you should call Josh, sweetie. This is getting too much, and you will need to talk to a professional."

"Later." I say, giving him the same answer I've been giving him whenever he brings this up.

"Ana, Christian says that Barney is in Portland. He's sending Charlie Tango to get him, so he wouldn't be here for a while." Kate says as she puts her phone in her back pocket. "Why don't you go lie down for a bit until he arrives?"

I look at the door, half expecting Christian to burst through it any second now. That's why he does best, invading your world with everything he has.

"Yeah, I think I'll do that." I say after a long minute of staring at the door. I stand up slowly, knowing that the headache is going to get the best of me in a bit, and I silently reach for Dad's hand to help me to my room.

"Kate, can you come here for a second?" I ask, and she only nods as she follows us to the bedroom. As soon as I open the door, a soft gasp leaves my lips. The room is painted in lavender and very light grey; my favorite colors. The bed is a black queen size with a beautiful bedding set in different shades of purple. The decorations, bed-side tables, everything is so perfect. It wouldn't be this perfect even if I had designed it out of my dreams.

"Kate, did you…"

"No, I didn't." Kate says, her voice almost coming out in a whisper.

"What's going on?" Dad asks as he helps me sit down on the edge of the bed.

"When we were still in college, Ana and I would joke around describing how we would decorate different rooms in our dream houses." Kate says as she looks around the room in amazement, which I'm sure mirrors the look on my face. "Ana's fantasy was always a house for you with a room for herself there, and this is exactly how she described it to me over and over."

"When Christian and I started dating, we played this game." I whisper as I run my fingers over the duvet. "I can't believe he remembered."

Dad just looks at me for a long moment before he just nods and leaves the room, leaving Kate and I alone.

"Did you expect him to come down here?" Kate asks, and I look at her with a hint of shock and embarrassment in my eyes. "I saw how you were looking at the door."

I just shrug at her, not knowing what to say.

"Ana, the old Christian would've done that. He would've barged in here and didn't let you leave his sight for a second, but he's a different man now. However, sweetie, he's not your boyfriend anymore. He doesn't know _what_ he is, and he doesn't want to cause you any added stress or tension. That's why he's kept his distance this past week, and that's why he's still keeping his distance even though he's right above you."

"Why is he doing this, Kate?"

"The simplest answer would be because he loves you, but it goes much deeper than that." Kate says as she sits beside me. "He doesn't want you to worry about anything while you recover and deal with the whole issue with Jose. He wants you in a place that's safe, but above all, a place you can call home. He just wants you to focus on yourself at the moment."

"When did you become the Official Public Defender of Mr. Moneybags?" I ask with a humorless chuckle, making Kate bump her shoulder against mine.

"We kind of bonded over your absence. For a multi-billionaire, he's not that bad."

"A what? I thought you said he almost lost GEH!"

"Yeah, _almost_! You know Christian better than anyone, if he sets his mind to something, he doesn't do a half-assed job. Once he was back to himself, he took the business world by storm, recovered all his losses, and quadrupled them!"

"Oh God!" I groan as I throw myself back on the bed and cover my eyes with my injured hand.

"Well, love, I have to run now. I'm meeting Mia and Grace for lunch." Kate says as she gets off the bed. I hear her walk away from the bed, but then I feel her throw some clothes at me. I look up and find a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt on my legs, and as soon as I realize what brand they are, my eyes grow in horror.

"Kate! These are…. They're… Oh God!"

"Yes, they are." Kate says with a smirk before she walks to the door of my bedroom. "And before you ask, yes, he paid for everything."

With that, Kate leaves me alone in my bedroom, too stunned to say anything. It takes me a few minutes before I slide under the soft covers, and a long content sigh leaves my lips as my body rests against the cloud-like mattress and pillows.

However, that sigh quickly transforms into one of disappointment, as I'm shocked to realize that I've seriously felt disappointed that Christian didn't come down after Kate called him.

 _Oh, crap!_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Words can't describe how much I love and appreciate every single review the last chapter received. You guys rock!**

 **I know I take too long between updates. A fact to prove that is that Chapter 3 was dedicated for a dear friend of mine for her birthday, and this chapter is dedicated for her, for her birthday again a year later! I know your birthday was yesterday, so consider this a belated gift. Love you, boo!**

 **Trigger warning: this chapter deals with mentions of thoughts of suicide. You've been warned.**

* * *

 **Chapter 9**

 **APOV**

"Ana?"

I groan as I hide my head under my pillow, simply because I've only been sleeping for about half an hour. After Kate left two hours earlier, my mind just wouldn't shut down long enough for me to sleep, and I finally did out of sheer exhaustion.

"Annie, sweetie. Barney's here."

That jolts me right up in bed, and my heart begins to race as the blood rushes to my head making the room take a quick spin before my eyes.

"I'm coming, Dad." I call as I take a deep breath, trying to will the dizziness away. "Give me a few minutes."

It takes me five minutes to get myself together, and I make my way out to the living room, where I find Barney sitting on the dining table with his laptop already fired up.

"Ms. Steele, it's good to see you again." Barney says as she stands up to shake my hand, which he awkwardly does given my injuries. "I apologize it's under such circumstances."

"Please, call me Ana." I say, giving him a weak smile. "Do you know what you'll be looking for?"

"Yes, Mr. Grey briefed me over the phone. I just need your phone and your laptop." He says, making me wince as I realize that I never got my things from the hotel Jose and I were staying at.

"Here's everything you need." Dad says, and I watch with wide eyes as he pulls both my laptop and my phone from a bag that he pulled out from the coat closet.

"How did you get that?"

"Elliot and Kate got your stuff from the hotel room before Jose could get there first." Dad says with a shrug.

I just shake my head at him, knowing that I can't argue with him about not giving it to me before now. Not that I would've been able to use it much with my injured hand, but still…

"Would you like anything to drink?" I ask Barney as I head towards the kitchen, wishing I could have a shot of tequila, even though it's barely 4 pm.

"A cup of coffee would be great, thank you." He says, but his eyes don't leave the devices in front of him as I watch him boot up my laptop and turn on my phone after connecting both to their respective chargers.

Once I have the coffee machine started and the coffee dripping slowly into the pot, I take a quick look around the kitchen. Like I had suspected, both the fridge and pantry are fully stocked, and the freezer even has a few containers of food that only need to be reheated.

I let out a loud sigh as I notice almost all of my favorite snacks in the pantry. Hell, there's a cabinet with my favorite drinks, alcohol and otherwise.

I shake my head as I prepare a tray with cups of coffee, milk, and sugar, then I realize that I can't carry it out with one hand. I go back to the living room to ask Dad for his help, only to find him sitting next to Barney, whose fingers are practically flying over the keyboard they're almost invisible.

"Dad? Can you help me out for a second?" I ask, making his head snap up at me.

"Sure, baby girl." Dad says, but I notice his eyes drift back to Barney even as he follows me into the kitchen. "That kid is scary." He says as soon as we're out of earshot. "It's like he went into some sort of sub-space or something. Once he had all the devices connected, he just switched off."

"Yeah, he's like that." I say as I point towards the prepared tray, which Dad carries easily and then goes back outside.

I silently follow Dad, and I can't help but smile as he asks Barney how he likes his coffee, who only answers with an almost robotic _black_ , and doesn't even take his eyes off the screen as he reaches for the cup and takes a sip, only slightly wincing at the heat as the hot liquid touches his lips.

"How long is this going to take, son?" Dad asks as he blows on his own coffee, receiving a silent shrug from Barney.

"Dad, Barney doesn't like to be bothered while he works." I say as I sit on the couch with my cup in my good hand. "I don't know much about IT, but I'm guessing this might take a while."

"Do you want to do something?" Dad asks as he moves to sit on the one of the empty chairs in front of me. "Maybe watch a movie or something?"

"I don't think I'll be able to pay it much attention." I say as I quickly glance at Barney before my eyes fall back to my coffee cup. "Dad, do you think I should talk to Christian?"

"What I think doesn't matter." Dad says after a long silence that he ends with a loud sigh. "Why do you want to talk to him?"

"Well, first of all, I want to thank him for everything he's done. I'm sure you've done that enough for the both of us, but I think he should hear it from me as well."

"And?" Dad asks when I didn't say anything else.

"I don't know." I say with a shrug. "Last time I was in this building, the night he broke up with me, he was so mean and angry. It was a side I had never seen of him before, and it terrified me that someone who I had known for so long could hide that side of themselves so well. The things he said, I still get chills thinking about them even after all this time."

I pause as I take a sip of my coffee, trying to gather around the thoughts that are running rampant in my head.

"For the longest time, I hated him for what he did and said that night, and Jose didn't help matters either by whispering in my ears about how much of an asshole Christian really is. However, now, with everything I've realized, I understand that what Christian did was out of hurt and anger. That doesn't excuse what he did, it doesn't, it just doesn't deserve the amount of hatred I have carried around for so long. Hate takes a lot of energy, and I'd rather direct that energy towards Jose than Christian."

"Do you forgive him?" Dad asks the million-dollar question, and without taking a second to think about my answer, the words leave my mouth,

"No, I don't think I do." I say with a sigh. "At least not yet anyway, but the mention of his name doesn't send my skin crawling anymore. Having said that, I think this is one of the reasons why I should talk to him. I know that he's doing all of this to make things easier for me, so that I don't have to worry about anything other than recovering and getting this over with Jose, but I also know that on a deeper level, he's hoping that doing all of this will get me to forgive him. But right now, I can't worry about that. I can't worry about what Christian is expecting or what he wants out of this."

"Why would you care about what he wants or expects anyway?" Dad asks with a raised eyebrow, and I can see the hint of frown beginning to form on his face.

"Because no matter what happens, or had happened, Christian has been my first everything, and he's been through a lot, whether before I met him or after we broke up. Everyone deserves to be happy, but now, I need to focus on me, on my happiness."

"And you think talking to him might help that?"

"Maybe, I don't know." I say with a shrug. "But it's one thing I can cross off my list in order for me to get better."

"Have you been talking to Josh?" Dad asks with a smirk, and I just shrug at him in a silent answer. I guess I'm having one of my _up_ moments now, who knows how I'll feel once Barney tells us what he discovers. "Do you want me to call Christian over now? Might as well get it over with while we wait for genius boy over there to finish his work."

"I don't want to talk to him in front of Barney." I whisper, although I'm pretty sure Barney is so focused he can't even hear us.

"You haven't taken a tour of the apartment yet." Dad states rather than asks. "Christian has set up an office/library for you here. You two can talk there and have all the privacy you need." He adds with a wink, but I don't even consider why he's winking at me, because my mouth is hanging open at the library tidbit.

"Library?"

"I'll let him show it to you once he comes over." Dad says with a small smile as he pulls out his phone, and before I can even say anything else, he holds the phone against his ear. "Hello there, Christian… Yes, he's working right now…" Dad says into his phone, but I still can't close my mouth as I listen to the one-sided conversation. "Listen, I know you're a busy man, but if you're home, could you come down here for a bit? Annie wants to talk to you…"

Next thing I know, Dad is holding the phone out for me, and I just look at him with questioning eyes.

"He wants to talk to you." Dad answers my silent question, and I just take the phone and hold it against my ear.

"Um, hi." I say, suddenly feeling awkward.

"Hi." Christian says, his voice coming out in almost a whisper, and I realize that for the first time since I've met him, I can't tell what he's feeling through one word.

I've always been able to tell how he's feeling through the first _hello_.

"Ray says you wanted to talk to me?" He asks, like he doesn't believe that I would want to talk to him.

"Yes, but I understand if you're busy. We can talk another time if you want." I quickly say. It downs to me that I'm not his top priority anymore, if at all. There are more important things for him to deal with, and I shouldn't assume that he would just drop whatever it is he's doing just because I want to talk to him.

Like Kate said, he's changed, and I need to deal with that.

"I'll be down there in a minute." He says, and without another word, he hangs up, leaving me sitting there in stunned silence.

I guess I am still a priority for him, after all. 

* * *

**CPOV**

My palms are sweating. My palms are fucking sweating like a damned teenager going on his first date!

I take a deep breath to calm myself down, then another, and another. Why the hell am I so nervous?

 _Because Ana finally wants to talk to you, dipshit!_

I shake my head at the snarky voice resonating in my skull, and I take yet another deep breath before I make my way to the elevator.

"Sir?"

My head snaps towards the source of the voice, and I find Mike standing by the door leading to the security office. He must've seen me over the monitors, and I just shake my head at him.

"I'm just going downstairs."

"Ok." He says and moves to follow me, but I glare at him, making him freeze in his spot.

"There's no need to join me, Mike. I'm just going one floor down. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be safe there."

"With all due respect, sir, Ms. Steele's ex is out there and he is a viable threat." Mike says, and I pinch the bridge of my noise in an attempt to stop myself from biting his head off.

"I understand that, but I'm fully capable of protecting myself in the very unlikely case that he shows up, not to mention that Luke Sawyer is downstairs, as well as Ray Steele, who is ex-military."

"But…"

"Just stay here, Mike. I'll call you if I need anything." I snap and step into the elevator, not bothering to say another word.

I sigh as for the millionth time, I wish that Taylor would just put me out of my misery and take his job back. I know that he's just enjoying my suffering, because even he couldn't hide his shock when I presented him with my offer.

I think the asshole just wants me to beg.

When the elevator doors slide open, I feel my heart get lodged in my throat, and I take a deep breath to calm myself down as I walk down the hall to where Sawyer is stationed at the door.

"Everything good, Sawyer?" I ask as I extend my hand for him to shake, but he just looks at it, then fixes his eyes on the wall in front of him.

"Yes, Mr. Grey." He says, his voice monotone, and his body standing in that signature military posture.

"It's Christian." I say, and I can't help but roll my eyes. His attitude towards me has been very cold and standoffish, and I can't help but wonder if he has feelings for Ana.

I then shake my head at the thought. If he did, he had time to go after those feeling when I broke Ana's heart. I remember how they acted around each other, and it very much reminded me of the relationship I have with Mia.

I guess if anyone does to Mia what I've done to Ana, I'll be cold and standoffish towards them as well, even if they paid my salary. That is, I fi didn't put them 6 feet under, first.

"Sure, Mr. Grey." Sawyer says with a snort as he opens the door for me, and I have to take yet another deep breath to calm myself down.

 _What the fuck is wrong with me?_

"Hello, Christian." I hear Ray say as soon as I step into the apartment, and it's like a magical calm washes over me as soon as I lay eyes on Ana, who is sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in her hands.

"Ray." I say with a small nod, but my eyes don't leave Ana, who is just looking at me with a mixture of emotions in her eyes.

"Christian." Ana says, her voice coming out in almost a whisper, and I feel like I want to just go to her and wrap my arms around her.

"Ana." I say with a small smile. "How are you feeling today?"

"Better, but not so great." She says and looks down at her cup, as if she's trying to figure out what to say next.

I take a quick look around the room, and my eyes quickly land on Barney, who is so engrossed in what he's doing that he doesn't even look up at me.

"Everything going well there, Barney?" I ask, and I only receive a silent nod in return, making me silently shake my head at him.

"It's like he's in a different world." Ray says with a chuckle, and I just smile and nod at him.

"Yeah, he does that a lot." I say as my eyes drift back to Ana, and I find her staring at her cup of coffee, which only serves to make me more nervous.

"Why don't you kids go and talk in the library?" Ray asks as he pats me on the shoulder. "You'll have your privacy there and I'll keep an eye on Barney if he needs anything."

"Ana?" I ask, wanting to leave the decision up to her, as I'm not sure she'll want to be alone with me at the moment.

"Sure." She says, but she still doesn't look up at me, making me let out a small, in-audible sigh.

"Would you like something to drink, Christian? We just brewed some coffee." Ray says, and I notice that his eyes are on Ana as well.

"A cup of coffee would be great, thanks."

"Sure." He says with a sigh of his own as he heads towards the kitchen. "You two go ahead and I'll bring you the coffee there."

I look back at Ana, and I'm at a loss of what to say. I want to leave this to her, I don't want to push whatever new boundaries she has set for herself, but at the same time, I don't want to just stay hanging here, not knowing what to do or say.

I see her take a deep breath and let it out slowly, as if she's gathering her courage or something, and my heart breaks a little bit more. She's never had to gather her courage around me before. She's always been able to speak her mind freely.

It's one of the things that made me fall in love with her in the first place.

"Dad told me you've set up a library here." She says as she looks up at me, and her eyes shine with so many emotions I can't tell where one begins and the other ends. "I haven't seen it yet, so you'll have to lead the way."

"Sure." I say as I shove my hands in my pockets and take a small step towards her, half expecting her to recoil from me. I visibly relax when she doesn't, and I slowly reach out my hand to her, to help her up from the couch.

"Thank you." She says, her voice coming out in almost a whisper as she places her good hand in mine, and I close my eyes as that _spark_ shoots up my arm and down my spine.

I guess she feels it too because she quickly lets go of my hand as if hit by an electric current.

"Lead the way." She says, and I only nod as I start walking down the hallway. Once I reach our destination, I step to the side, wanting her to walk in first.

"Ladies first." I say with a small smile, earning a roll of her eyes, and I can't help but smile more at that small move.

It's a typical Ana move, and it means _my_ Ana is still there.

My thoughts are distracted by the soft gasp I hear from Ana as she steps into the library for the first time, and I watch as her hand flies to her mouth before she takes a slow spin to take in the room.

"This…" She begins, and I just smile at her reaction as I step in behind her. I leave the door open, not wanting to press my luck, and I just watch her as she takes in the details of the room.

A few months before things ended between us, Ana and I had been contemplating the idea of moving into a house. We played around with ideas about the different rooms we wanted, and the one room that Ana basically designed herself was the library she insisted on having.

I tried my best to stick to the ideas she had when I insisted on this room, but since the space was smaller, I had to make do.

"I tried to stick to the details…" I begin, but the words die in my mouth as I feel her arms suddenly wrap around me, and I'm left frozen in place, not knowing how I should react.

"It's perfect, Christian." She whispers against my chest, and I have to close my eyes at the feeling I thought I had lost forever. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." I manage to say, but I still don't move to hug her back.

I don't want her to freak out on me, not when she's starting to open up again.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry." She says as she steps away from me quickly, making me feel like she's taking my heart with her. "I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry."

"It's ok."

"I shouldn't have assumed that I could still do that." She says as she looks away from me, trying to hide the shame that's evident in her eyes. "I mean, I'm not your…"

"It's ok, I promise." I say and shove my hands in my pockets again, because if I don't, I'll just pull her back and wrap my arms around her, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to let her go. "I can handle people's touch now. I even let Kate hug me." I add in an attempt to make her smile, which succeeds because she lets out a soft giggle, making me close my eyes at hearing that sound again.

The room is engulfed in silence again as Ana walks closer to the shelves before she gently runs her fingers over the books.

"Those are not first editions." She says with a smile, one that I return at making the right decision of not getting her those.

"No, they're not." I say as I watch her pull out a brand-new copy of Pride and Prejudice. "I didn't think you would appreciate that."

"You thought right." She says as she quickly flips through the pages, then looks up when we hear a cough from the door. I turn around to find Ray standing there with a cup of coffee in his hands, and I smile at him gratefully as I take the steaming mug.

"I wasn't sure how you took your coffee."

"Black is just fine. Thank you." I say and take a quick sip, allowing the hot liquid to wash down my nervous throat.

"I'll leave you two alone now. Let me know if you need anything." Ray says and turns to leave, but stops when Ana calls out for him.

"Dad, could you please close the door?" Ana asks, making my heart skip a beat at hearing that.

 _That means she still trust me, right?_

I shake my head at the errant thought. It doesn't mean anything other than her wanting privacy. I'm not sure what she wants to talk about, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't want her Dad hearing it.

"So…" I begin after a long moment of silence. "You wanted to talk to me." I state rather than ask, and I suddenly feel stupid for stating the obvious.

"Yes." She begins before she takes a deep breath. "I'm just trying to gather my thoughts here."

"There's no need to be nervous around me, Ana. You know that."

"Do I?" She asks without missing a beat, and I have to wince at that. "I'm sorry." She says as she shakes her head. "I shouldn't have said that."

"It's ok." I say with a small sigh. "I had that one coming, given how things ended between us."

"Well, that's part of what I wanted to talk to you about." She says as she walks to the small couch. "Maybe we should sit down for this."

I silently nod as I fill the single chair across from the couch before I take a long sip of my coffee as I watch Ana sit down on the couch in front of me.

"First of all, I want to thank you for everything you've done."

"You don't have…"

"Please, let me say this and don't interrupt me." She says with a look of determination in her eyes, making me just nod at her. "Yes, I have to say this. I have to thank you, because you didn't have to do any of this. We're not together anymore, meaning that I'm not your obligation any longer. You didn't have to pay my hospital bills, you didn't have to rehire Luke, and you sure as hell didn't have to offer this apartment for me and Dad. Yet, you did all of that and more, and I can't thank you enough for it. You've made Dad's life so much easier, and you're definitely making things easier for me as well.

However, I know that we haven't been together for a while, and I know that you've been through a lot during our time apart, so I'm not sure if I still know you as much as I did before or not, but the Christian I knew back then never did anything without wanting something in return. So, I have to ask this, what do you want from all of this, Christian?"

"I just want you to get better and get through this with as less emotional pain as possible." I say without missing a beat, making her look at me intently for a few minutes before she looks away.

"I would accept that if we were just talking about offering the apartment and paying the hospital bills, but you've gone above and beyond Christian. You could've hired any protection, but you brought Luke back, and I'm welling to bet it's because you know how safe I feel around him. You didn't have to decorate the apartment the way you did. This library, my bedroom, hell, the stocked-up kitchen! You didn't have to do any of that just for me to get better."

"Yes, I did." I say as I put the coffee cup on the small table separating us. I run my fingers through my hair before I rest my elbows on my knees, leaning a bit forward as I speak. "I did have to do all of this, because you know that when I do something, it has to be perfect. If I hadn't filled the kitchen with everything you and Ray need, you would've worried yourself about staying here while your Dad went grocery shopping. If I hadn't had the entire apartment, including your bedroom, decorated like this, you would've felt like you're staying at a hotel without actually feeling at home. If I hadn't brought Sawyer back, it would've taken you forever to trust whoever new I hired and that would've only added to your stress. So, yes. I did have to do all of this so you can get better quickly and get over this."

"And you weren't hoping that I'd forgive you for what happened after you've done all of this?" She asks with a raised eyebrow, and I can't help but let out a long sigh at that.

"Ana…" I begin, but pause for a bit because I need to gather my thoughts before I say something I shouldn't. "Listen, I can't apologize enough for the abhorrent way I treated you that night. Nothing I could ever do would be an apology enough for that. What I did, the way I acted, cost me the best thing that's ever happened to me, and that's you. And I can't help but think that maybe it's what allowed everything else to happen. I can't help but think that if things didn't end the way they did, maybe you wouldn't have let Jose in, and maybe none of this would've happened to you…"

"Christian…" Ana says, trying to cut me off, but I just raise my hand, silently asking her to let me continue.

"I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you that I've gotten over you or that I don't love you anymore, you deserve better than that. Do I want you to forgive me? Of course, I do. Do I wish you'd let me back into your life? You can bet your life on that. Do I want us back together? Obso-fucking-lutely. But this is not about me. I've always acted like I was the center of the universe, like the whole world revolved around me, but I'm not like that anymore. This is about you recovering from this horrific experience. This is about you getting better. This is about what you need and what you want."

Ana just stares at me for a long moment, as if she's seeing me for the first time ever. Maybe in a way she is. She hasn't had the chance to get to know the new me, the one who went through hell and back after I lost her.

"Kate told me." She says after a long minute of silence, and it takes me a few seconds to realize what she means, making me look down as I don't want her to see the look of shame in my eyes.

"I was hoping you'd never find out."

"I did, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm sorry you almost lost everything."

"It's not your fault, Ana. It's all on me. I'm the one who pushed you away, and I'm the one who didn't believe you." I say as I run my fingers through my hair yet again. "You walking out was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but in a very twisted way, it was also the best. I was finally able to see Elena for who she really is, and I was finally able to realize that my way of dealing with issues has never been the right one. I'm sure you already know this, but Elena has fucked up with my head so bad that I'm only just now learning who I really am. It took me long months of therapy to become the man I am now, and I know for a fact that I still have a long way ahead of me. What Jose did to you is just as bad as what Elena did to me, and you have a long way ahead of you as well, to bring back the Ana that we all know and love."

"You know, I some times think that maybe things wouldn't have happened the way they did if I had offered you what you wanted." Ana says after a long minute of silence, making my head shoot up to look at her, only to find her wiping away at the silent tears falling down her face. "You wanted a submissive, and I was anything but. Maybe if I had been more like that, maybe if I hadn't defied you at every turn, then you wouldn't have believed Elena over me."

"Don't, please don't say that." I beg, and it's like I've lost control of my body, I find myself kneeling on the floor in front of her, much like I did the night I saw her at Elliot's place. "Your strong personality is what made me fall in love with you. Your defiance, your lack of tolerance for my bullshit, your strong will… everything about you made me fall in love with you, and not having a submissive bone in your body is on top of that list."

"Do you think we would've still been together if all of this hadn't happened?" She asks, her voice coming out weak and almost in a whisper.

"Honestly, I don't know." I say with a shake of my head, and I can't help but reach out to hold her hands, which she gladly allows. "I don't think so. I would've probably fucked up in one way or another, and if that didn't happen, my friendship with Elena would've been your breaking point. Remember that I would've still been friends with her if all of this didn't happen."

"For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I understand. I can finally understand how you kept her in your life all those years. How you let her control you the way she did. I hate the fact that I do, and how I've come to this understanding, but I do."

"I wish you never had to. I wish you never had to go through any of this." I say as I rest my forehead on her knee, and I'm shocked to feel her fingers gently run through my hair. "I swear, if I could take all of this back, I would in a heartbeat."

"I know you would, Christian." She says as her fingers keep running through my hair, never stopping, like a lover soothing her hurting mate. "I would too, but we can't do that, and we have to live with it."

I don't know how long we stay like this, me on my knees and her finger through my hair, but for the life of me, I can't bring myself to get up. I can't bring myself to move away and lose her touch.

"Were you really going to end your life?"

My whole body freezes as I hear that, and lift my head slowly, only to find her looking at me with nothing but sympathy in her eyes.

"I think so." I admit, making her close her eyes as two silent tears escape. "If Elliot hadn't showed up when he did, I might have done it."

"Why?"

"I had lost you, and I was losing GEH. There was no more purpose for me to be alive."

"What about your family?"

"They would've gotten over it." I say with a small shrug. "I was at a very low point, Ana. I didn't see any other way to make the pain less."

"I would've come back if someone had told me about what you were going through." She says, making my eyes grow at that. "Don't be so shocked. Yes, you hurt me in a way I never thought was possible. You broke my heart into a million pieces when you threw me out that night, but I still loved you. I loved you for a long time after I left, and I would've come back if I knew what was going on."

"But you were already with Jose then."

"No, I wasn't." She says with a long sigh. "Jose and I started dating 6 months after I officially moved to Rome. Somehow, Kate received an email from "me" three months before that, telling her that I've met someone and that I'm giving it a shot."

I sit back on my ass as I hear that, and I can literally feel the blood boiling in my veins with rage. That fucking asshole! I begged Kate not to say anything to Ana because I thought she had moved on, when in fact she hadn't, and we could've worked things out if she came back.

"No point in thinking about the what-ifs, Christian." She says, earning a raised eyebrow from me. "I know what you're thinking. I spent an hour earlier thinking about the same thing, but the fact of the matter remains that we can't do anything to change what happened."

"But…"

"There are no buts here." She says as she leans forward and grabs my hand with her good one. "I've spent a lot of time thinking while I was in the hospital, and I've decided that I need to focus all my energy on getting over this and bringing Jose down. You said it yourself, I have a long way ahead of me, and I'd rather have my entire attention put on that, rather than thinking about what would've or could've happened between us. The universe works in mysterious ways, and there might be a reason for all of this that we are still yet to figure out. But I don't want to waste my energy on hating you, or wondering what if. I just want to heal, to be the Ana I was before that night."

"You hate me?" I ask, my voice coming out weak even to my own ears.

"At one point, I thought I did." She says with a sigh. "But with everything that's happened, I realized that I don't. Hate is such a powerful emotion, and it drains you, but right now, I can't help but hate Jose and Elena with every fiber of my being, and I realized that I never felt that strongly about you, not even right after that night."

Hearing that makes me let out a long breath of relief that I didn't know I was holding, and I gently squeeze on her hand in a silent assurance. Of what, I don't know. Maybe I just want to assure her that I'll always be there for her, or that I'll never stop loving her.

I just don't know.

"What can I do to help, Ana? What do you need from me?" I ask after another moment of silence, and I hold my breath again, hoping to God that she doesn't say she doesn't want me in her life anymore.

"I really could use a friend, right now." She says with a small shrug, and once again, I let out that breath in relief.

"I don't want you to feel this way out of some sense of obligation, Ana. I haven't done any of this to earn my way back into your life. I just want you to be better."

"I know that, and I'm not. Right now, I really could use all the emotional support I can have, and I'd love it if you could be a friend."

"I'll be anything you want me to be." I say as I rise to my feet before helping her up as well. "Is it ok if I hug you?"

"I would like that." She says as she looks up at me, a hint of a small smile decorating her face. Not wanting her to change her mind, I quickly wrap my arms around her, allowing her to rest her head on my chest as she wraps her arms around my waist, and for the first time since she walked out from Elliot's apartment, I feel like there's hope in my life.

"I really hope you'll be able to forgive me one day." I whisper as I run my hand up and down her spine.

"I hope so too." She says as she looks up at me, and as soon as our eyes meet, I feel that never-ending attraction to her engulf me whole.

A loud voice screams in my head that I shouldn't do this, that she doesn't need this now, but I can't stop myself as I lower my head towards her slowly, wanting to feel her lips on mine again.

She doesn't move, nor does she push me away, and I can see her eyes begin to flutter as my mouth draws closer to hers, making mine close as well.

"Barney's done."

My eyes shoot open as I hear Ray's voice, and the look of fear and shame on Ana's face make me take a step back from her.

"We'll be right there, Dad." Ana says, her voice shaking as she shakes her head.

I hear Ray walk away without saying another word, and I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out from between my lips.

"I'm sorry." Ana says after a few seconds.

"I'm the one who should apologize. I shouldn't have done that, I just…"

"I shouldn't have let you think that I'm ok with that." Ana cuts me off as she runs her fingers through her hair. "Friends don't kiss, Christian."

"You're right, they don't." I say with a sigh. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

Ana just looks at me, and I can tell that she wants to say something else, but she shakes her head again as if trying to rid herself of the thought.

"We better go see what Barney found out." She says as she walks towards the door, and as I hear that, I feel my blood boil with rage again.

Time to see what that asshole was doing all this time.


End file.
